Tempest 7-2 Singapore School Girls
I had a horrible game. Extremely nervous from the word go and energyless. Freaking slow and tired and had stomach pain in the first period. I've spent the last few hours on-off thinking about why I was so tired and slow. I've always seen myself as pretty fast and determined, so it's an absolute blasphemy to run so slow and lose all the 50-50 chases.
Firstly, my fucking shoes are slippery, hell they are. I don't see anyone else having problems stopping and turning. Shit man. I think it's hard to go in to 50-50 balls cos I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop and fly out of the boards. I can only blame myself for forgetting to bring back my running shoes. It won't happen next week, ALL my shoes will be home by then.
Second, I think it's pms season and my energy is zapped. Timing's about there. I slept enough the night before so I don't see why I should be so tired. Oh well but I haven't had enough sleep for the whole freaking week and it comes back to haunt you. Late nights plus pms.. potent combination.
And I should stop psyching myself up before games. I always run through what I want to do for the next game etc, but it seems it just makes me more nervous? Seriously pissed with myself. Next time, I shouldn't think of anything and just go in and play. Hell.. Instinct should lead me right, not the stupid incessant nagging about what to do. I need composure more than ever in the next game cos it's gonna be much tougher. Stop the stupid self-speak.
And focus more on prepping myself physically for the game. Have enough water the day before and don't eat too full/oily food on the day itself. Have more sleep for the entire week. Arrive at tsh on time. Oh well but some days everything just doesn't go your way. I intended to cab to tsh but waited for 15 minutes to no avail. And this family came and stood in front of me, and an empty cab came in 1 minute. So I was late and I rushed and I hate rushing. Be more responsible for my physical condition next time, and don't be complacent =)
Something interesting, I was talking to jun on the train and she said that maybe some people are meant to score and bask in the glory, and some are not. I felt that way today, the nice passes that I make end up in shots but not goals, the runs into space I make are greeted by bouncy or off-target passes that I can't receive (my bad too), the screenings I do are rewarded with balls that are off-target or bounce somewhere far off. I understand that this sort of player is important to the team too, behind the scenes, threatening but not succeeding. It somehow can weaken the opponents minds and form a frame for the game. Though I get the idea, I told her no, I don't think it's totally true. I'm not scoring not because I am not meant to score, but because I didn't play my best today. I may be a behind the scenes player for this game, but not necessarily for all the games.
I made many mistakes today. Nervous miscontrols and one-handed misadventures. Failure to control passes. Uber slow. Passing to no one. It all boils down to lack of composure against good opponents. That's the key I need to find, and what brought me to tempest. All those psyching didn't work, I'm really gonna just go in and playyy the next time around.
Kudos to the those who played well and scored today.
Ayeen, I didn't see your goal cos I was blocked by some big butt standing in front of me.. haha. But congrats!! Vian, welcome back, you're certainly on fire after exams!
Veron is gonna do better the next game!
I went off @
9:34 AM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
I am terribly tired. Overslept again, as usual. This time, I remember my alarm ringing and reaching out for it. But I don't remember what I pressed or what went on after that. And thank goooodness I only overslept tilll 7.45 and not 9.30 like last week.
There's only one phrase to describe my physical condition - injured zombie. Not only is everything done in slow-mo, every step hurts, and there's a bad ache in my left upper arm from god knows what. Oh man, the lactic acid from wednesday's training must be having a delayed effect. The training where we somehow did not warm up, and I played lazily during games cos I didn't feel good in the random line. hahaha. ATTITUDE!! Must wake up for saturday's game.
This has been a sad april I guess, looking at my april posts. A very free one as well. I was attempting to jot down my assignments for my logbook and realised how unsubstantial they really are. And I've not been coming at 8.30 for the whole month. Though I was told time is flexible here and I can come at 9, I've gone too far recently and arrive at around 9.15 everyday. And I don't even sleep that late, in fact, I've improved from the first month and make it a point to sleep at 1+. Still... sigh. Waking up early for the job is the toughest part of all. Not the little slip-ups, the blurness, the staying late, the at times fussy and deranged colleagues, the loss of freedom, the boring work, the weight-gain. All I can say is that I'm a very un-morning person in the sense that I find it a lot harder to wake up than the average person. I bet its a result of my childhood habits. My mum is very soft-hearted and would always let my brother and me hit her snooze button ten times every morning she tries to wake us up. No offence to my mum, she's just too nice. But yeah, that's why I cannot wake up in the morning. It's a real pain. The good thing about shifting home for the last two months is that my dad will make sure I wake up and send me to the mrt. No more lateness whee!! But no chance to geng MC anymore =s My dad won't allow it and no more cheap NTU doctors to fleece. Hahaha luckily I took so many in the first four months then, no regrets!
Happy now that 16 weeks are done and only 8 more to go =)) 4 months gone, 2 months left. There are two public holidays in May and June should fly quickly by. And there are league games to look forward to every weekend.
Omg tomorrow's the game, tomorrow is saturday! Remember to play it as though its the final of some championship. Be responsible for myself and for the team. Give every 50-50 situation all the energy I've got, shield the ball properly and only make passes I'm sure of, take responsiblity that my shots will turn into goals.
follow. block. support. assist. score!!!
I went off @
12:51 AM
There's only one phrase to describe my physical condition - injured zombie. Not only is everything done in slow-mo, every step hurts, and there's a bad ache in my left upper arm from god knows what. Oh man, the lactic acid from wednesday's training must be having a delayed effect. The training where we somehow did not warm up, and I played lazily during games cos I didn't feel good in the random line. hahaha. ATTITUDE!! Must wake up for saturday's game.
This has been a sad april I guess, looking at my april posts. A very free one as well. I was attempting to jot down my assignments for my logbook and realised how unsubstantial they really are. And I've not been coming at 8.30 for the whole month. Though I was told time is flexible here and I can come at 9, I've gone too far recently and arrive at around 9.15 everyday. And I don't even sleep that late, in fact, I've improved from the first month and make it a point to sleep at 1+. Still... sigh. Waking up early for the job is the toughest part of all. Not the little slip-ups, the blurness, the staying late, the at times fussy and deranged colleagues, the loss of freedom, the boring work, the weight-gain. All I can say is that I'm a very un-morning person in the sense that I find it a lot harder to wake up than the average person. I bet its a result of my childhood habits. My mum is very soft-hearted and would always let my brother and me hit her snooze button ten times every morning she tries to wake us up. No offence to my mum, she's just too nice. But yeah, that's why I cannot wake up in the morning. It's a real pain. The good thing about shifting home for the last two months is that my dad will make sure I wake up and send me to the mrt. No more lateness whee!! But no chance to geng MC anymore =s My dad won't allow it and no more cheap NTU doctors to fleece. Hahaha luckily I took so many in the first four months then, no regrets!
Happy now that 16 weeks are done and only 8 more to go =)) 4 months gone, 2 months left. There are two public holidays in May and June should fly quickly by. And there are league games to look forward to every weekend.
Omg tomorrow's the game, tomorrow is saturday! Remember to play it as though its the final of some championship. Be responsible for myself and for the team. Give every 50-50 situation all the energy I've got, shield the ball properly and only make passes I'm sure of, take responsiblity that my shots will turn into goals.
follow. block. support. assist. score!!!
sudden surfacing of perennial bubbling
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I think, love never dies. The sun only has a billion more years to shine. An atomic bomb can only destroy that radius of earth. A king can only rule till his memory runs dry. Our planet may just combust or fall into a black hole one day.
In that black hole, I'll love.
If I could exsist forever, I'll love.
If my soul only has the chance to live this lifetime,
I'll love everyone I've loved till the end,
Till the last beat of my heart.
Love is more than an entity.
I went off @
9:48 PM
In that black hole, I'll love.
If I could exsist forever, I'll love.
If my soul only has the chance to live this lifetime,
I'll love everyone I've loved till the end,
Till the last beat of my heart.
Love is more than an entity.
This is what it feels like to be a tub of BnJ Phish Food ice-cream. Sweet and soft with even sweeter caramel swirls and even softer marshmallow spots.
People enjoy eating you up.
Soft. Softie. Soft spots.
Graham Cracker Swirls must be added (for your own good).
I went off @
9:15 PM
People enjoy eating you up.
Soft. Softie. Soft spots.
Graham Cracker Swirls must be added (for your own good).
Silly phrase on the cover of a corporate gift brochure : give and you receive.
That's not true.
I went off @
9:08 PM
That's not true.
Monday, April 20, 2009
My mood is just like the weather. It could be sunny, even scorching hot in the morning, overcast and gloomy in the afternoon, rain in between, and suddenly sunny again. All in the space of one day. I hate coping with this.
I'm the scorching sun, and I want to burn the skins of man.
I'm the overcast sky, and I want to shroud the earth in darkness.
I'm the violent winds, and I want to sweep away all that is treasured.
I'm the torrential rain, and I want to drown the innocent.
I just hate the world right now.
I went off @
9:59 AM
I'm the scorching sun, and I want to burn the skins of man.
I'm the overcast sky, and I want to shroud the earth in darkness.
I'm the violent winds, and I want to sweep away all that is treasured.
I'm the torrential rain, and I want to drown the innocent.
I just hate the world right now.
it's just another manic monday
Tired and slow and boring day at work.
I went off @
2:21 AM
I couldn't even entertain myself online cos the internet is so laggy, so I picked up my pencil at 4 and started to draw again. Decided to draw something for storm since 'some people' are so jealous that I didn't draw for storm last time and 'only used photoshop' to create something. Hahaha..
Version one! I asked jh to guess who the people are and he said it's too small in my display pic, so he said name the five and he'll choose the who is who. But he only got ONE correct HAHAHAHA. Then I said isn't it obvious by height, and he said no he guessed by the personality and way someone would stand. Woah deep deep..
Hahahah and the office auntie (corporate comm~~~) is HIGH today. Either she was in a bad mood last week or she got some last night hahahaha. Whole day act cute and the corporate comm~~~ is top-notch today. Dem melodious and LOL funny.
Examples of act cuteness :
"Eh haha how come you all so cold I not cold one! That means I so strong ah!" *raises arms into flexing position and does some aerobic movement*
"Go swimming la, swimming is very relaxing leh!" *does frog style action*
"My that who also lifeguard leh"
Me: "Who?"
*uses 2 hands to indicate a heart shape* "hehe"
cloud number nine
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I'm on cloud nine =)
Tempest got off to a good start in our first game of the season. Eight goals, four coming from qiao'e, two from soak, one from sue, and one from me. It's an understatement to say I am ecstatic, this is my first goal in div 1 or IVP, finally broke the duck/egg =) I don't know how to judge the standard of our opposition, but our team especially defence triangles held up well, they were composed and hungry and so full of energy I'm kinda ashamed of myself for being so tired =p I had a marvellous first period, had shots on target and made some nice passes, and scored that goal from a direct shot from a superb pass from liyana =) It's a challenge to keep it up in the second and third periods though. It felt so different cos I was tired, didn't run into the places I wanted to, couldn't receive or control the ball properly. It's lack of stamina, coupled with the pressure to keep performing well. And something jill said, to ignore the supporters cos they'll give you pressure. Haha I couldn't help but look, have to be less conscious next time!
Haha and yes ayeen I'm gonna repeat this! Not a bad partnership today, and that freaking last pass could have been dem nice if I hadn't slipped. Your positioning and the timing you call for the ball is very good, let's keep it up! And sheryls I'm really impressed, you really did improve in a few short months and didn't look like someone who pulled a muscle at all. You could still outrun everyone like hell (and earn us scoldings from eddie) and your holding the ball on the move is fwoah so much better now seriously. You're gonna do much better for the rest of the games when you recover, all the best! =D You will score! And I wanna worship Qiao'e, she misses alot of trainings due to work, usually looks quite rusty in them, and yet she did so well today. She's fast and her shots are good, and the most important thing I need to learn from her is her rebounding positioning. And the seniors really impressed me too, they showed their composure and experience yet youthful hunger for the ball. Oh and I cannot forget this, the goalies had an awesome game, on fire and saved our asses on a few occasions.
Let's keep this up =)
Thank you to those who came to support and fill water, we really appreciated it. At dinner we were saying how nice it is to have someone to fill water, if no one fill later 'must ration'.. haha. And those who supported us in their heart, I could feel it, seriously =)
Hahaha I know I sound like we just won some championship, but I can't help it =p We should treat every game like it's the final of 'some championship', isn't it ;)
I went off @
9:04 AM
Tempest got off to a good start in our first game of the season. Eight goals, four coming from qiao'e, two from soak, one from sue, and one from me. It's an understatement to say I am ecstatic, this is my first goal in div 1 or IVP, finally broke the duck/egg =) I don't know how to judge the standard of our opposition, but our team especially defence triangles held up well, they were composed and hungry and so full of energy I'm kinda ashamed of myself for being so tired =p I had a marvellous first period, had shots on target and made some nice passes, and scored that goal from a direct shot from a superb pass from liyana =) It's a challenge to keep it up in the second and third periods though. It felt so different cos I was tired, didn't run into the places I wanted to, couldn't receive or control the ball properly. It's lack of stamina, coupled with the pressure to keep performing well. And something jill said, to ignore the supporters cos they'll give you pressure. Haha I couldn't help but look, have to be less conscious next time!
Haha and yes ayeen I'm gonna repeat this! Not a bad partnership today, and that freaking last pass could have been dem nice if I hadn't slipped. Your positioning and the timing you call for the ball is very good, let's keep it up! And sheryls I'm really impressed, you really did improve in a few short months and didn't look like someone who pulled a muscle at all. You could still outrun everyone like hell (and earn us scoldings from eddie) and your holding the ball on the move is fwoah so much better now seriously. You're gonna do much better for the rest of the games when you recover, all the best! =D You will score! And I wanna worship Qiao'e, she misses alot of trainings due to work, usually looks quite rusty in them, and yet she did so well today. She's fast and her shots are good, and the most important thing I need to learn from her is her rebounding positioning. And the seniors really impressed me too, they showed their composure and experience yet youthful hunger for the ball. Oh and I cannot forget this, the goalies had an awesome game, on fire and saved our asses on a few occasions.
Let's keep this up =)
Thank you to those who came to support and fill water, we really appreciated it. At dinner we were saying how nice it is to have someone to fill water, if no one fill later 'must ration'.. haha. And those who supported us in their heart, I could feel it, seriously =)
Hahaha I know I sound like we just won some championship, but I can't help it =p We should treat every game like it's the final of 'some championship', isn't it ;)
floorball. tempest. div 1. starting.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Div 1 is finally starting! So enthusiastic that I spent my work day drawing these... trying out variations. Big T small T, connected non-connected, touch-up no touch-up.
GO TEMPEST! We'll do well this year =))
Photoshopped to accentuate the colour, took out the originals, and played around with the effects!
We won our friendly today! Pinkies, 3-1. Had a few shots on target that were saved cos my turn-n-shoot shots are hard but on the ground. Must work on that! Well I got lucky once, scored a 360 degree goal that went straight to the keeper on the ground, but her leg got lobang =p First goal in friendly! Broke the egg, broke the duck (dunno what's the phrase). Made quite a few good passes and received some too. All in all a rather good game =)
Work on:
1) Knowing my options before I get the ball
2) Use more body and two hands
3) More aggressive in pressuring
4) Getting the ball to fly in turn-n-shoot
5) More smart and composed in supporting
6) Drawing defenders away from teammates
7) Disciplined in blocking the shot instead of trying to get the ball
Have sore throat now though! Oh no! How to resist the forbidden fruit =s
I went off @
3:15 AM
GO TEMPEST! We'll do well this year =))
Photoshopped to accentuate the colour, took out the originals, and played around with the effects!
We won our friendly today! Pinkies, 3-1. Had a few shots on target that were saved cos my turn-n-shoot shots are hard but on the ground. Must work on that! Well I got lucky once, scored a 360 degree goal that went straight to the keeper on the ground, but her leg got lobang =p First goal in friendly! Broke the egg, broke the duck (dunno what's the phrase). Made quite a few good passes and received some too. All in all a rather good game =)
Work on:
1) Knowing my options before I get the ball
2) Use more body and two hands
3) More aggressive in pressuring
4) Getting the ball to fly in turn-n-shoot
5) More smart and composed in supporting
6) Drawing defenders away from teammates
7) Disciplined in blocking the shot instead of trying to get the ball
Have sore throat now though! Oh no! How to resist the forbidden fruit =s
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Quote of the day:
"Who is the skools coach ah, is it Mr RAMLY?"
Hahahahahaha you think too much about food already la!
No prizes for guessing who =p
I went off @
9:43 AM
"Who is the skools coach ah, is it Mr RAMLY?"
Hahahahahaha you think too much about food already la!
No prizes for guessing who =p
Sunday, April 12, 2009
walking along bedok interchange
snapped and cracked and pulled a trigger
slumped on the westbound train
tears ran out of a closed pair of eyes
alcohol calmed me
it told me
"what's the big deal"
"what's the matter"
"everything's alright"
"so what"
"calm down calm down"
then all I could think of was
"as I stared into space, and watch the sun rise"
I went off @
9:32 AM
snapped and cracked and pulled a trigger
slumped on the westbound train
tears ran out of a closed pair of eyes
alcohol calmed me
it told me
"what's the big deal"
"what's the matter"
"everything's alright"
"so what"
"calm down calm down"
then all I could think of was
"as I stared into space, and watch the sun rise"
day in a song
loneliness
your silent whisper
fills a river of tears through the night
memory
you never let me cry
and you
you never said goodbye
sometimes the tears blinded the love
we lost our dreams along the way
but i never thought you'd trade your soul to the fates
never thought
you'd leave me alone
time through the rain has set me free
sands of time will keep your memory
love everlasting fades away
alive within your beatless heart
dry your tears with love
dry your tears with love
and how can you mend a broken heart
how can you stop the rain from falling down
how can you stop the sun from shining
what makes the world go round
how can you mend this broken man
how can a loser even win
please help me mend my broken heart
and let me live again
下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴
期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
别想你忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心有些事也要过去
心很痛痛的不想再做我自己
别回头情已去缘已尽
很想你也不是因为失去你
爱了你用尽我全心全力
一生情只为这一次与你相遇
情难了难再续难再醒
人分飞爱相随
那怕用一生去追
我又怎么能追得回
与你相慰我为你痴为你累
风雨我都不後悔
我又怎么有路可退
曾经深情你给了谁
想着你的黑夜 我想着你的容颜 反反覆覆 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你一样不成眠 告诉我 你也盼我出现
I went off @
9:02 AM
your silent whisper
fills a river of tears through the night
memory
you never let me cry
and you
you never said goodbye
sometimes the tears blinded the love
we lost our dreams along the way
but i never thought you'd trade your soul to the fates
never thought
you'd leave me alone
time through the rain has set me free
sands of time will keep your memory
love everlasting fades away
alive within your beatless heart
dry your tears with love
dry your tears with love
and how can you mend a broken heart
how can you stop the rain from falling down
how can you stop the sun from shining
what makes the world go round
how can you mend this broken man
how can a loser even win
please help me mend my broken heart
and let me live again
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走 请你记得我
如果难过 请你忘了我下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴
期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累
怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴
其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉
别想你忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心有些事也要过去
心很痛痛的不想再做我自己
别回头情已去缘已尽
很想你也不是因为失去你
爱了你用尽我全心全力
一生情只为这一次与你相遇
情难了难再续难再醒
人分飞爱相随
那怕用一生去追
我又怎么能追得回
与你相慰我为你痴为你累
风雨我都不後悔
我又怎么有路可退
曾经深情你给了谁
想着你的黑夜 我想着你的容颜 反反覆覆 孤枕难眠
告诉我 你一样不成眠 告诉我 你也盼我出现
eltschlust and chibisclust
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Spirits are up, even better now. Thanks for talking to me online people =)
I didn't know you miss me THAT much! Truth be told I already miss being back in hall after two days at home. Back to hall tomorrow, on sunday afternoon =)
It's fun to speculate, even if it might be far-fetched and may not even be true. The disappointment can come later. It's fun to feel as though you might be the victim of someone's jealously and hate. Especially so when its over a colorful piece of candy.
It's nice to barter some candies, even if they might not be the tastiest of all. They might even be a little sour, not to your taste buds' liking, that's why spreading the taste is recommended. You can ask how they taste like, get some advice. Some candies are soft and shouldn't be chewed on if you don't intend on swallowing them, some can be sucked on and caressed by your tongue, then spitted out. The former will be destroyed and damaged, the latter will still retain its shine.
eltschlust and chibisclust
Shallowness comes in more ways than one.
I went off @
11:04 AM
I didn't know you miss me THAT much! Truth be told I already miss being back in hall after two days at home. Back to hall tomorrow, on sunday afternoon =)
It's fun to speculate, even if it might be far-fetched and may not even be true. The disappointment can come later. It's fun to feel as though you might be the victim of someone's jealously and hate. Especially so when its over a colorful piece of candy.
It's nice to barter some candies, even if they might not be the tastiest of all. They might even be a little sour, not to your taste buds' liking, that's why spreading the taste is recommended. You can ask how they taste like, get some advice. Some candies are soft and shouldn't be chewed on if you don't intend on swallowing them, some can be sucked on and caressed by your tongue, then spitted out. The former will be destroyed and damaged, the latter will still retain its shine.
eltschlust and chibisclust
Shallowness comes in more ways than one.
a little better today =)
Friday, April 10, 2009
I know why I get so emotional at home. Cos there's no one I can turn to here. They know nothing of it. In hall, I could turn left or turn right, knock on a door if I really needed the company and listening ear. Or just go somewhere quiet down the corridor to sulk away. But here, no, I have to stop the tears from falling though I'm already crying in my heart. I can't let myself go here.
Still, I'm feeling a little better today =) With the chatting and laughing taking my mind off things for a bit. Slowly but surely, I can occupy my mind with other things all over again.
I'm thankful for being able to stay in the most beautiful part of hall 13 for the past two years. Somewhere you can see the sky and feel the breeze, and with a few steps you can see the hills and trees. The most awesome part is the wonderful neighbours. I've run out of words to express how lucky I feel. Just lucky lucky lucky that fate brought me here. The dementor? Poof.. it'll just be another fond memory I'm sure. Our laughter and joy will triumph.
And something to look forward to is the commencement of div 1 floorball 2009! =) I do feel a bit rusty cos we haven't had court trainings for some time. Please let's have one more training before our first game! Gonna chiong storm trainings as well when courts reopen, I really really miss training. Arghhh...
Floorball trip to penang/kl anyone? I'll definitely help to organise if we get the go-ahead. Can't wait.
I went off @
11:30 PM
Still, I'm feeling a little better today =) With the chatting and laughing taking my mind off things for a bit. Slowly but surely, I can occupy my mind with other things all over again.
I'm thankful for being able to stay in the most beautiful part of hall 13 for the past two years. Somewhere you can see the sky and feel the breeze, and with a few steps you can see the hills and trees. The most awesome part is the wonderful neighbours. I've run out of words to express how lucky I feel. Just lucky lucky lucky that fate brought me here. The dementor? Poof.. it'll just be another fond memory I'm sure. Our laughter and joy will triumph.
And something to look forward to is the commencement of div 1 floorball 2009! =) I do feel a bit rusty cos we haven't had court trainings for some time. Please let's have one more training before our first game! Gonna chiong storm trainings as well when courts reopen, I really really miss training. Arghhh...
Floorball trip to penang/kl anyone? I'll definitely help to organise if we get the go-ahead. Can't wait.
i should just go fuck myself for the rest of my life
Welcome to the saddest day of my life, version four.
I've learned that failed distractions are far better than hopeless retetion. No matter how inadequate, disheartened, disappointed they make me feel, they can never be compared to hopeless retention.
The decision is not made because of it but in view of it. Things can be rocky, but it's in view of it that you give up instead of work it out. Cos there's a fucking back up. There's it. It is interested. A spanking new it instead of that foolish old cow trying her best to squeeze out a different flavour of milk when all is gone. That's humans for you. It just sucks big time to be on the receving end of it.
A simple plea for decency. No. Failed. Why the fucking hell why? I may not understand this till the day that I die. The whys and cries echo, banging against the walls in my hollow heart. The silence, the enigma. They attract me hopelessly yet drive me up the wall. My superengine brain churns out scenarios, images, explanations, reasons and its driving me crazier than ever. Why didn't I deserve it? Why the fucking hell why?
I'm sure it's not that I didn't deserve it. Any decent girl would deserve it. Things just happened that way. Ain't it sad when there's no reason... ain't it sad...
The plan now is to go ahead with the failed distractions. I wouldn't be hurting anyone, cos I'll fail anyway. Rejected, lambasted, insulted, nothing bothers me anymore. At least this spreads the hurt in different places.
Here's a piece of veron, go on and have a share in hurting her.
Stab kick punch beat hurl blaze slap whip drown whatever you want.
I'm always seen as the bad one anyway. I should just go fuck myself for the rest of my life. No one can see past the uncuteness, ungoodtemper, ungoodnature, unzainess, uncoolness, unrichness ANYWAY. No fucking one.
.that felt good.
I don't know what I'm looking for. Perhaps only answers.
I have only one ace, but it may be the most powerful of all. The card that feeds my ego. The card that makes me feel better.
I went off @
11:03 AM
I've learned that failed distractions are far better than hopeless retetion. No matter how inadequate, disheartened, disappointed they make me feel, they can never be compared to hopeless retention.
The decision is not made because of it but in view of it. Things can be rocky, but it's in view of it that you give up instead of work it out. Cos there's a fucking back up. There's it. It is interested. A spanking new it instead of that foolish old cow trying her best to squeeze out a different flavour of milk when all is gone. That's humans for you. It just sucks big time to be on the receving end of it.
A simple plea for decency. No. Failed. Why the fucking hell why? I may not understand this till the day that I die. The whys and cries echo, banging against the walls in my hollow heart. The silence, the enigma. They attract me hopelessly yet drive me up the wall. My superengine brain churns out scenarios, images, explanations, reasons and its driving me crazier than ever. Why didn't I deserve it? Why the fucking hell why?
I'm sure it's not that I didn't deserve it. Any decent girl would deserve it. Things just happened that way. Ain't it sad when there's no reason... ain't it sad...
The plan now is to go ahead with the failed distractions. I wouldn't be hurting anyone, cos I'll fail anyway. Rejected, lambasted, insulted, nothing bothers me anymore. At least this spreads the hurt in different places.
Here's a piece of veron, go on and have a share in hurting her.
Stab kick punch beat hurl blaze slap whip drown whatever you want.
I'm always seen as the bad one anyway. I should just go fuck myself for the rest of my life. No one can see past the uncuteness, ungoodtemper, ungoodnature, unzainess, uncoolness, unrichness ANYWAY. No fucking one.
.that felt good.
I don't know what I'm looking for. Perhaps only answers.
I have only one ace, but it may be the most powerful of all. The card that feeds my ego. The card that makes me feel better.
Been doing next to nothing for the past few hours. Not daring to leave the laptop and go to my bed. Cos I'm afraid I'll be helpless there.
Help. Who am I calling? I don't know.
Being at home stirs memories. How I used to look out of the window and feel the lyrics of somewhere out there.
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky...
It's cold, very cold, and it's raining, pouring heavily. I don't know how else to describe it.
I went off @
10:09 AM
Help. Who am I calling? I don't know.
Being at home stirs memories. How I used to look out of the window and feel the lyrics of somewhere out there.
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky...
It's cold, very cold, and it's raining, pouring heavily. I don't know how else to describe it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Big bear medium bear small bear. Forlorn faces but a sweet scent's still lingering around your melancholic air.
Will I ever throw you away?
___________________
Please be strong enough to resist the temptation of the distraction.
___________________
On a totally different note, looking forward to div 1, I really feel we'll do well this year =)
___________________
Another random thought : sharing food is one of my favourite feelings =) To be able to raid fridges and help myself to stuff from shelves knowing I am welcome to, to share what I have knowing I truly enjoy it.
___________________
See-saw feelings. A typical day in my world. Walking along a path, picking up a beautiful flower and smiling at it, taking a swig of wine and closing my eyes at the pleasant sensations. A beautiful place, a beautiful sight, but the sky is grey, resolutely grey.
__________________
You brought colour into my world. When you left, you may have left a trail of blood in your wake, but you left the colours too.
I went off @
10:49 AM
Will I ever throw you away?
___________________
Please be strong enough to resist the temptation of the distraction.
___________________
On a totally different note, looking forward to div 1, I really feel we'll do well this year =)
___________________
Another random thought : sharing food is one of my favourite feelings =) To be able to raid fridges and help myself to stuff from shelves knowing I am welcome to, to share what I have knowing I truly enjoy it.
___________________
See-saw feelings. A typical day in my world. Walking along a path, picking up a beautiful flower and smiling at it, taking a swig of wine and closing my eyes at the pleasant sensations. A beautiful place, a beautiful sight, but the sky is grey, resolutely grey.
__________________
You brought colour into my world. When you left, you may have left a trail of blood in your wake, but you left the colours too.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Hahaha my colleague asked me to scan some photos to pull out 'unflattering' ones before we circulate them, and I spent the morning stifling my laughter. My colleague is my new xinlin. She's quite pretty in person but 80% of her faces in photos are like weird, blinky-eyed and open-mouthed, distorted, pudgy, or with arms flapping like chicken wings. Hahahah.. also I had to pull out a few photos of another expert cos I felt he looked tiko.. lol..
And I saw a scene out of a jack neo movie when I went to the toilet just now. A trio of women in their thirties were standing outside the toilet...
Woman A: di yi ci, ni yao gan gan de da...
Woman B: dui lor tt time wo de nv er wo ye shi yao zhe yang...
Woman C: *oh really* look
I never knew his movies were that realistic till I heard that with my own ears! Beating kids, hmm, I really don't know if I'm an advocate. I used to think that violence shouldn't be used, but seeing the dire state of the average singaporean kid today, it's easy to blame it on the lack of beatings. Oh well it's probably not that simple, there must be some tricky way to discipline kids without violence. Cos violence, if used in the wrong way and on the wrong kid, can lead to serious degradation of self-esteem or rebellion. I personally know what that means.
Now I'm waiting for my office auntie's phone to ring so I can tape the 'corporate comm~~~!' again.. hahah.. why doesn't it ring!!!
I went off @
11:47 PM
And I saw a scene out of a jack neo movie when I went to the toilet just now. A trio of women in their thirties were standing outside the toilet...
Woman A: di yi ci, ni yao gan gan de da...
Woman B: dui lor tt time wo de nv er wo ye shi yao zhe yang...
Woman C: *oh really* look
I never knew his movies were that realistic till I heard that with my own ears! Beating kids, hmm, I really don't know if I'm an advocate. I used to think that violence shouldn't be used, but seeing the dire state of the average singaporean kid today, it's easy to blame it on the lack of beatings. Oh well it's probably not that simple, there must be some tricky way to discipline kids without violence. Cos violence, if used in the wrong way and on the wrong kid, can lead to serious degradation of self-esteem or rebellion. I personally know what that means.
Now I'm waiting for my office auntie's phone to ring so I can tape the 'corporate comm~~~!' again.. hahah.. why doesn't it ring!!!
One box down, two more to go (for this week =p)
OMG the dust! I koped toilet paper and wiped the CDs and books one by one, and I'm sure they need to be wiped down again when I go home. Still having difficulty throwing stuff away. How can I throw away the textbooks when I may need the information in the future? And my self-written notes look too nice and concise to just throw away, haha. In the end I kept only some of the notebooks though, only stuff that are interesting or useful.
You would understand why the level of dust is so thick when I tell you I haven't touched some of those notebooks since the day I shifted into this room. That's almost two years ago. 700 days ago. And that's the reason why I cried while packing. I flipped through the notebook to check if it was worth keeping, and I saw poems and self-sanity entries from two, three, four years ago.
Sigh. I don't know what to say over this, shall quote a book.
"Still it's a sound lesson to learn. The big rule in this regard. Whatever it is, move on. Get over it."
"There's no such thing as only pride."
That's the gist of it I guess, but I can't freaking get. over. it. How do you? Does one need an even more generous serving of time, or the introduction of a new dish? Yeah I've heard enough testimonies that it really works. And I've subconsciously been liking new people, one after the other, replacing that f-ing gape in my heart that just wants to like someone. Perhaps if one of them had worked out, I would have recovered by now. Hahaha, you would be laughing by now if you knew the people I am talking about. Still, I think it's selfish and risky to get involved with someone new, what if it's not enough to help and you end up breaking their heart? What if you're not suitable and you go into it anyway cos you're lonely? Highly possible.. It's a risk people take to save themselves.
p.s. I notice the parallels between things I can't throw away and relationships.
I went off @
5:52 AM
OMG the dust! I koped toilet paper and wiped the CDs and books one by one, and I'm sure they need to be wiped down again when I go home. Still having difficulty throwing stuff away. How can I throw away the textbooks when I may need the information in the future? And my self-written notes look too nice and concise to just throw away, haha. In the end I kept only some of the notebooks though, only stuff that are interesting or useful.
You would understand why the level of dust is so thick when I tell you I haven't touched some of those notebooks since the day I shifted into this room. That's almost two years ago. 700 days ago. And that's the reason why I cried while packing. I flipped through the notebook to check if it was worth keeping, and I saw poems and self-sanity entries from two, three, four years ago.
Sigh. I don't know what to say over this, shall quote a book.
"Still it's a sound lesson to learn. The big rule in this regard. Whatever it is, move on. Get over it."
"There's no such thing as only pride."
That's the gist of it I guess, but I can't freaking get. over. it. How do you? Does one need an even more generous serving of time, or the introduction of a new dish? Yeah I've heard enough testimonies that it really works. And I've subconsciously been liking new people, one after the other, replacing that f-ing gape in my heart that just wants to like someone. Perhaps if one of them had worked out, I would have recovered by now. Hahaha, you would be laughing by now if you knew the people I am talking about. Still, I think it's selfish and risky to get involved with someone new, what if it's not enough to help and you end up breaking their heart? What if you're not suitable and you go into it anyway cos you're lonely? Highly possible.. It's a risk people take to save themselves.
p.s. I notice the parallels between things I can't throw away and relationships.
pack up and move on, some things are overrated
Sunday, April 5, 2009
It's a quiet sunday back in hall. My mum gave me three boxes 'narh, pack some things in and bring back on friday k'. I look around my room and go 'oh nooo'. It's one shit pile of mess. Judging by the number of days I will spend going out or playing floorball, I must definitely set aside at least one weekday night to really pack in three boxes worth of things. Where shall I start? Clothes? CDs? Files? One thing's for sure, I really should throw away my five sems worth of schoolwork. Some of them at least =x I'm a hoarder, I like to keep things that may not be useful. Old notes which I can't bear to throw cos can they be quite fun to read, old magazines, a rackfull of sports stuff with a dozen floorballs (half cracked), two frisbees and perfectly working hockey balls and softballs (which are alas also useless now that IH is over).
Haha, but I must really thank my lucky stars they didn't insist on barging into my room to help me pack today. In the past, they loved to offer to help me clean up my room, change bedsheets and so on. That was when my room still looked normal. Haha, through my spread of lies and excuses, I've managed to keep them away from my rotten room for the past two semesters. And now it's time to shift out already! Seeing the forced shift in a good way, it's a perfect chance for me to throw out stuff I don't need, and re-embrace home life.
Ok this will be an abrupt change in topic, but I'm very very pleased with a new nickname we gave someone. HAHAHAHAHAH. Good one feiyong, you're really a marketing student, you always come up with the most brilliant taglines and call-names when we need them. In gratitude, I reminded you to go read up on asexuality, don't forget ok? lol..
Four weekday nights this week. Friday's a public holiday wooohooo! =))) One night for drinking, two nights for packing, one night for floorball I hope.
Thursday night FnG anyone? But be forewarned that the floor may be slippery and I'm sure you can't picture me going down to clean it first right? And don't ask me WHO'SGOING?!?! I'll just *&^%$#$%^ you.
LOL.
I went off @
6:50 AM
Haha, but I must really thank my lucky stars they didn't insist on barging into my room to help me pack today. In the past, they loved to offer to help me clean up my room, change bedsheets and so on. That was when my room still looked normal. Haha, through my spread of lies and excuses, I've managed to keep them away from my rotten room for the past two semesters. And now it's time to shift out already! Seeing the forced shift in a good way, it's a perfect chance for me to throw out stuff I don't need, and re-embrace home life.
Ok this will be an abrupt change in topic, but I'm very very pleased with a new nickname we gave someone. HAHAHAHAHAH. Good one feiyong, you're really a marketing student, you always come up with the most brilliant taglines and call-names when we need them. In gratitude, I reminded you to go read up on asexuality, don't forget ok? lol..
Four weekday nights this week. Friday's a public holiday wooohooo! =))) One night for drinking, two nights for packing, one night for floorball I hope.
Thursday night FnG anyone? But be forewarned that the floor may be slippery and I'm sure you can't picture me going down to clean it first right? And don't ask me WHO'SGOING?!?! I'll just *&^%$#$%^ you.
LOL.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
My positioning and composure still sucks =( I feel I have better on-court chemistry with guys than with girls. It's difficult for me to know where to run and where my teammates will run when I play with them. As a result I end up feeling lazy (for not running into space cos I dunno where to go) and lousy (cos I make passes to the wrong place). Then I run into totally wrong places cos I think it'll alleviate some of my guilt for feeling lazy. Argh, feel like pulling my hair out over this. Sorry teammates, it's my responsiblity to adapt and improve and I shall do it. Along with being more aware and agressive, and that long-standing issue, composure.
Anyway gotta mention that ayeen, you almost got a direct shot from my pass today! Almost almost! And vian, I'm sure I made some correct passes to you, they're just like one ball length off. Better luck next time =D
Just feeling sick, tired, sad, disatisfied, unhappy about life right now. Wallowing in self pity has never felt better.
I went off @
9:58 AM
Anyway gotta mention that ayeen, you almost got a direct shot from my pass today! Almost almost! And vian, I'm sure I made some correct passes to you, they're just like one ball length off. Better luck next time =D
Just feeling sick, tired, sad, disatisfied, unhappy about life right now. Wallowing in self pity has never felt better.
cufflink crush & heartthrob healer
Friday, April 3, 2009
I was walking to get on the 179 at pioneer mrt when I saw a very good looking guy. Tanned skin, fluffy haired, normally proportioned body, perfect sorta smalleyeshighnosebridgechiselled face. So good looking that I had to catch my breath and swallow my saliva. I chose a strategic position on the bus so that I could look at him. He was wearing office clothes that fit perfectly, with cufflinks. Every time I looked I could hardly believe my eyes. Haha, now I understand why when bold guys see very pretty girls they can just go up and get her number. They would hate it to be the last time they see her. That's how I felt too. Too bad he got off at city harvest and not in NTU. The last time I was so smitten, it was by a doctor in tampines polyclinic LOL. He was so good looking that I did not dare look up at him in the room, only taking small glances. But it was enough to make my heart throb. After I came out I tried my utmost best to search for the name of the doctor in that room but failed. I was very very sad that it was probably the last time I'm gonna see him. Well I was about 15 then =p
As an afterthought, I have overrated today's guy. The doctor was much more intriguing, classy. Today's was just your typical sunshine dude. Sunshine dudes turn my head but intriguing classy doctors twirl it.
I went off @
6:13 AM
As an afterthought, I have overrated today's guy. The doctor was much more intriguing, classy. Today's was just your typical sunshine dude. Sunshine dudes turn my head but intriguing classy doctors twirl it.
P.I WHINES
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I just wanna sleep... zzz...
Not in the best of moods today. Now I feel deflated that after working 'for so long', only three months are done and there's still three more to go. I just want this to end... 11 weeks and 1 day.
After lulling around in the office for this time and seeing the mundane day-to-day operations of the permanent staff, I do not wish to be trapped in this. And seeing as I haven't found my professional niche, I might want to follow some other guideline (my wish to see the world) in choosing a job. Namely, getting a position in the communications department in an MNC, where it will be my challenge to climb high enough to jetset on the job.
Oh well at least I'm not overworked here, and am in fact very slack. Went for a one and a half hour extended lunch break with nartz today. Hers is the classic case of working the intern too hard, overtime, without extra pay. And with mean, nosy, bitchy colleagues to boot. The silver lining? Getting to taste upmarket restaurant food every week. Haha. Which would you choose?
Thank goodness for my mostly nice colleagues. Out of the eight of them, six are perfectly fine. One gets deranged sometimes but you can't blame her cos the stress you get as director is overwhelming, the other, well let's just say she has had a hard life. Life really isn't bad here, the work is varied and approriately challenging sometimes. It's just me with the lazy attitude... zzz...
I think the unsatisfied bug has hit me cos training has stopped and I've nothing to look forward to at night. I'll have to fill my evenings with activities or perhaps come up with an aim for my days, then the next three months wouldn't be such a drag.
I went off @
11:38 PM
Not in the best of moods today. Now I feel deflated that after working 'for so long', only three months are done and there's still three more to go. I just want this to end... 11 weeks and 1 day.
After lulling around in the office for this time and seeing the mundane day-to-day operations of the permanent staff, I do not wish to be trapped in this. And seeing as I haven't found my professional niche, I might want to follow some other guideline (my wish to see the world) in choosing a job. Namely, getting a position in the communications department in an MNC, where it will be my challenge to climb high enough to jetset on the job.
Oh well at least I'm not overworked here, and am in fact very slack. Went for a one and a half hour extended lunch break with nartz today. Hers is the classic case of working the intern too hard, overtime, without extra pay. And with mean, nosy, bitchy colleagues to boot. The silver lining? Getting to taste upmarket restaurant food every week. Haha. Which would you choose?
Thank goodness for my mostly nice colleagues. Out of the eight of them, six are perfectly fine. One gets deranged sometimes but you can't blame her cos the stress you get as director is overwhelming, the other, well let's just say she has had a hard life. Life really isn't bad here, the work is varied and approriately challenging sometimes. It's just me with the lazy attitude... zzz...
I think the unsatisfied bug has hit me cos training has stopped and I've nothing to look forward to at night. I'll have to fill my evenings with activities or perhaps come up with an aim for my days, then the next three months wouldn't be such a drag.