So this is two years. Thank you for being with me throughout my lows, which was pretty much most of the time haha. I'll be sure to share my highs with you too. Happy anniversary blog.

I stumbled upon my journal entries from two to three years back, from the days where my eyes were caked from crying and my soul was parched. I wish I could go back in time to hug the then-me. It was so horrible, so bleak, so painful. Even tearing at the memory of all the pain, which is pretty distant and blurry by now. My words were so childish, so pathetic, so deluded. I can't believe I ever let myself live through those days. Those dark dark nights and cold cold shoulders. Goodness. *shivers* I feel so absolutely blessed and peaceful and happy now. Went through an intensive upgrade from piece of shit to actual human being :) And I wanna remind myself to be wiser, but not cynical, and most importantly to appreciate the present cos its a whole lot better :)

that was nonsense, this is living

Fourth day of work, five more to go. Time passed pretty quickly I must say, seemed like the first day not too long ago! Being a weekday it wasn't too crowded today too, spent most of my time laughing and laughing at some WEIRD and slack and just WEIRD colleague. Hahahaha. Did not feel like a workday. I've been feeling high and energetic even at late hours for the past two nights! Think I really laughed too much, endorphins are coursing through my veins.. That's good, hope they help me NOT to gain weight from the suppers these past 4 days... prata-cakebread-rotijohn-cakebread oh no hahaha.. but looks as though there's training on thursday which I'm off work yay!

$__$

fourth sunday of may, very happy day :)
and we're cruising into june...

wouldn't it be nice if we were older
then we wouldn't have to wait so long
and wouldn't it be nice to live together
in the kind of world where we belong

you know it's gonna make it that much better
when we can say goodnight and stay together

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new
and after having spent the day together
hold each other close the whole night through

Lack of blog posts recently, fulfilling times outside the hell-hole and fiery ones in it. Spent the last two days working. Though it's tough and painful and tiring, I love it cos it allows me to spend almost the entire day outside and come home only at 10 - 11 plus. Thus minimizing time at home. Haha sounds tragic isn't it, how much I hate it. That's what's keeping me going, the obvious influx of money, little as it may be, and the freedom for the day :) yippie :)

And sometimes, a tiny bit of hardship really makes life more enjoyable. Just for these two days, I started to eat my meals more slowly and appreciatively, and the feeling of sitting or lying down after standing for so many hours is just one word... woahhhhh... The feet hurt but there's also a weird and almost pleasant tingling feeling when I'm lying down right now. Endorphins to the rescue perhaps.

The weather is starting to get exceedingly warm again. It was unbearable a couple of weeks/months back in hall too I guess? I've the aircon and fan on in my room now and it reminds me of hall. my room. my dear, room. *fond* The memory is just so painful, sigh. How can life be so good, so perfect then, and so lacking now. Hopes and yearns for a similar near future, please.

Meanwhile, I still feel amazed and lucky every single day, and I appreciate that. Almost, I feel that there is a god bestowing blessings on me.

:)

I wonder whether in the future, when I have a stable, reasonable income, I'll ever fall into such a rut again. Of course I hope not, I hope I won't overspend, I hope I don't go bankrupt. Cos this feeling really really sucks. To not even have the basic finances to go out with friends and carefree-ly eat the same things and do the same things. It's like a fucking dark cloud hanging across my forehead all the time. Worry worry worry.

There are so many people around who earn their own keep, and I can only blame myself for not doing the same since I came into university. My own laziness and dependence. I can say I really really regret it. Having to take measly amounts of money from people who scold me everyday is the worst thing ever. Who have no friends and thus think that going out with friends is 'wanting to fly, bad for your health' (their words). And if I ever have kids, I promise to never make them feel the way I felt. To be reminded time and again since young of the sufferings, the sacrifices, the unwillingness to spend money on me, the way they said it MADE ME FEEL BAD. And which kid should ever feel bad for being born, for needing food to eat and clothes to wear? If you are so unwilling to spend money on your kids, why the fuck have kids? I know that working is tough and there are sacrifices to be made, but you don't need to say it in such a BLAMING way. Don't ALL parents need to work and sacrifice and save money for their kids? I don't see all of them BLAMING THEIR KIDS THIS WAY. It's not like I ever spend exorbitant amounts of money since I was young. I was always thoughtful and tactful even at a young age not to ask for unnecessary things cos I acknowledge and appreciate their sacrifice. Don't think they noticed though.

The other day I was watching this show called FATAL DADS on cable tv's crime network. It showed a series of stories of men who killed their pregnant wives or girlfriends. The men had something in common - violence, overwhelming need to control the women. And I shuddered. And ok so there are men who never wanted to become fathers. I get reminded of that day in day out for the past twenty years.

This is a time of my life whereby I've finally been blessed with everything I could want. I should be happy, I am. But this tampines hell-hole brings me anger every single day. I feel bad for existing sometimes, to need things. To reside in an affluent country, to have friends of normal (better) finances. I am a result of my environment. I have no choice but to desire the things our society desires. It's just my own stinking fault for not devising my own moneymaking schemes earlier.

No matter. No use for regrets. My time of filthy dependence is almost over. Almost. Temp job in 2 days.

And once again, a word of caution for anyone of reproductive age and ability. Having kids is not about 'liking babies, liking kids', that must be the silliest reason ever cos don't kids grow out of being kids in like 10 years? It's also not about peer or kaypohfuck aunties and mother-in-law pressures or the need for someone to provide for you when you get old. Never have kids if your heart's not in the right place cos you'd only bring a condemned soul into the world. And if your personality sucks, all the more, please wear those fucking condoms and take those pills, cos even though your kid might not suck, the torture you inflict on him over the years will suck his soul dry anyway. Let the nice and loving people have more kids. The world will be a happier place this way.

And that's why, I really don't know if I'll ever be ready to have kids.

YesYEsyesyesYESyESyesyeSYesYEsYesyesyesYEs

I have officially graduated from NTU, bachelor of communication studies! Very very worried about the electives this sem... so... super happy now!!! FYP got A, the other subs not good, but no changes to honors.

YES :)

cradled by happiness
the fear of dependence creeping up on me

that night, i slept late. kept up by the neurons firing through my heart, blood pumping through my brain.

it's three thirty three and i haven't been kept up this late for a very long time. i like it this way, and i'd like to keep it like this.

Maybe I can take heart from my past failures. To make the cut. To win the trust. To play the game. Uncertainties from high to lower. Could I gain confidence from having fallen down, rejected. Are the issues cross-applicable? What if it's hell, what if they're right. Are what we are capable of entrenched in our upbringing, our DNA, or can I make a difference now?

Can I actually?

Actually, I'm very sad over my inadequacies. Questions of what I'm good for. I try my best to put on a brave front most of the time. But when I'm alone, all I wanna do is cry.

why am i oh why am i so lousy
what oh what am i good at

Failure to measure up. What's wrong.

Trying very hard to look on the bright side, look at the big picture. But the grains of self-blame won't leave me now. They rub against my palms, my eyes, my heart.

Sad.

it's so wrong but it's so right
we could swing either way
i love gloomy rainy days
you may say its depressing
but i don't know
to me it's just mysteriously enjoyable
like a scar you shouldn't scratch

in and out of any weather i see that rainbow
i feel like how i should on a crisp summer's day
and an ice cold coke
that's how i see it

I've read many a post by people who have been on exchange, saying that its a semester away from the reality and stresses of life. Though I've never been on one myself, I had a full four years away from reality. Now it's back to being a mere mortal in this house of mine. This place, where there's not enough space in the cupboards to keep my stuff. I realised with a jolt while stuffing my undergarments into drawers that it was half as deep as the ones in hall. Hall, where the cupboard space in my single room was meant for two people. Oh, the luxury. Akin to being on exchange and not having to face up to supervision, having freedom and the best time of your life. I had that. I was free of the daily scoldings that drove them to sickness and violence. I was free. For now, I'm not. And it's seizing my heart and charging it up my throat. There's this sickening feeling of chest tightness and puking and I clear it up by raising my voice. Which undoubtedly makes things worse. What's the root of all this evil? Money, or lack thereof. Soon, soon.

Too many years of this = hospital, hougang chalet, changi prison. One, two or all of the above. Better to spend some money and move out, rather than use it on treatment in the future.

i'm really scared right now. i'm not used to people hating me. but there's no one to talk to right now. and no one will understand how i exactly feel. still, it'd be good for daybreak to come, when i can talk to someone again.

shivers.

i don't mind being in lalaland cos we're happy here :)

how did i get so lucky

there are things in life that get me down. shadows from the past that make me overly worried about my normal human behavior. poisonous people who hate me, and honestly that feeling really sucks. the extreme lack of money currently, which reminds me i need to learn to be more thrifty. and the nagging need to shift out of the wonderful place i called home for the past three years. haha ok wonderful is relative, cos the toilets and surroundings are getting dirtier by the day. but still, my little room rocks. it rocks even more so now. and i've to go. so this is really goodbye. no more tomorrows this time. i'll remember you for as long as i live.

how did i get so lucky, to have you
everything else is relative
:)

Went to Victoria Concert Hall to watch a symphonic band performance today. When the first notes played, I thought to myself, this is the sort of life that I've been waiting for. And I didn't know it. I wandered the maligned and lonely years, not knowing what I was searching for. And this is it.

sophistication brewed with beautiful maturity and good taste.