Haha, I knew my paranoia and fear of your characters wasn't unfounded. You really did the very things I expected you to do. The question is why. Why is it important for you to do it. Why is it necessary.
I went out to jp to cut my hair yesterday night right after my last paper, as a sign of celebration and release? Unfortunately it's a little too short, shorter than all the other times I've cut it. And with people talking about it and after looking at it extensively in the mirror, I was angry with myself. Though I told myself that this is supposed to be a happy day and nothing should spoil it, the calmness only lasted as long as solitude. Irritated. What can I say, ugly hair, too-short hair, will grow back one day. Soon. So what if I'm a little suay, maybe I will have good luck in other areas. Hopefully exams :)
And you, who tried to spoil my mood on my happy day. I am heartened by the lack of anger and blame I feel towards you. You are merely my pawns in a computer game, whose thoughts and actions are so predictable and imbecilic that I feel powerful.
Today's gonna be an even happier day.
It's friday :)
I went off @
6:17 PM
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Was it a wait of fifteen mistakes, two and a half hours, one week or four years... After all is said and done, all the mistakes made, I just sat in an ntu exam hall and wrote down my matric number lovingly for the last time in my life. Anticlimatic feelings, as always. But happy that my very last paper was enjoyable and positive. East asian history is really interesting. Though I still couldn't pull myself to 930 lectures, the studying experience was honestly fun.
Now all I can do is cross my fingers and toes. For everything.
I went off @
6:09 PM
Now all I can do is cross my fingers and toes. For everything.
Friday, April 23, 2010
With every passing minute, irritation is escalating to anger. And good sense and logical judgment dissolving into conspiracy theories and paranoia.
Grrrrr.
I went off @
7:48 PM
Grrrrr.
When things are going well, the questions are not of the present, but of the past and future. And the conflicts of interest just outside the boundaries. I feel so unnatural, not because of what's happening, but because of the situations I'm obliged to participate in. I wish there was a way to avoid this, I wish the reasons were legitimate enough. I was preparing for this storm in paradise, and like most storms are, this is out of my control. And any attempt to tame the elements is gonna backfire on me.
Sitting alone in the library, being asked to book another table in addition to the one I'm sitting at. The awkwardness and feelings of having to tell someone that I'm booking 4 precious seats for people I don't even know, numbers I'm not even sure of, is making my face hot and my heart uneasy. I guess every river current needed a ripple and this was it.
In short, I'm getting irritated, which is sort of a forbidden emotion in this world I'm living in right now.
couldyoujustfarkoff?unfair?petty?thinktoomuch?idontknow.
I went off @
7:35 PM
Sitting alone in the library, being asked to book another table in addition to the one I'm sitting at. The awkwardness and feelings of having to tell someone that I'm booking 4 precious seats for people I don't even know, numbers I'm not even sure of, is making my face hot and my heart uneasy. I guess every river current needed a ripple and this was it.
In short, I'm getting irritated, which is sort of a forbidden emotion in this world I'm living in right now.
couldyoujustfarkoff?unfair?petty?thinktoomuch?idontknow.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
happiness is not a fish that you can catch
maybe that's why it feels so slippery and surreal
I went off @
3:35 AM
maybe that's why it feels so slippery and surreal
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Can I say that this was the happiest night all semester? One minute into the run, I immediately regretted not doing this for the past six months, or more, eeks. But then again, I didn't have anyone to run with me then. I like running alone sometimes, but it's such a big joy to have someone to run with, someone to encourage you, to sing with you, to talk and laugh with you. Although it's way too late to really do work now, although I have uncomfortable urinary tract again. I'm happy :)
I went off @
11:37 AM
Monday, April 12, 2010
The days are running away from me like ants making their getaway with cake from an open table. Right now, I only have fyp presentation on the 19th to prepare for. Everything else is done. I'm so happy that german oral is done yesterday, was rather scared about it! But it seems like I did quite well :) It appears like there's so little to study and so much time this exam. 3 subjects, 2 weeks. Only problem is the photocopying of the history textbook. So mafan! Grr hates.
I feel born again, to be awake and active and happy at 11 in the morning. Where have I been?
I went off @
9:45 PM
I feel born again, to be awake and active and happy at 11 in the morning. Where have I been?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Are we wired to enjoy what's wrong, what's dangerous and what will hurt the most when you fall? Did our ancestors learn that it was worth it for survival? Nah natural selection and reproduction is not the answer to everything. I think too much. Should just shut up and smile :)
I went off @
12:38 PM
This is gonna be a post about dreams.
I feel like I'm dreaming, and I hope I'm not. Cos this feels so good I can't believe that it's real. But then again, couldn't life be just a dream, if we're gonna turn to ashes when we die? Isn't life then just a very very long dream? I hope there's more to the afterlife. I hope nothing is a dream.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this, hoped for this, yearned for this. Never.
When I think of dreams, I think of perfect blue skies and cotton candy clouds. And we're sitting on them. For real.
I went off @
12:19 PM
I feel like I'm dreaming, and I hope I'm not. Cos this feels so good I can't believe that it's real. But then again, couldn't life be just a dream, if we're gonna turn to ashes when we die? Isn't life then just a very very long dream? I hope there's more to the afterlife. I hope nothing is a dream.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected this, hoped for this, yearned for this. Never.
When I think of dreams, I think of perfect blue skies and cotton candy clouds. And we're sitting on them. For real.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Those sticks and balls told me that if you can't do something, try half of it first. If you never try, you never know, if you don't try hard enough, you won't find out too. Although some things may seem impossible at first, if you set your heart and mind to it, just maybe, you'll succeed. Those courts and whistles remind me that as long as I live, there'll always be something I'll need to improve on. Cos honestly, there are some things we'll just never be that good at, or bad habits we'll never totally get rid of. That's where acceptance and assimilation comes in, but that doesn't mean that we should stop trying.
Those days. That I'm already terrified of missing. Correction, this time, it does qualify as missing. We might not have noticed it, but we have already had the last league trainings of our undergraduate life. And I spent it being unhappy in tempest training. What a waste. Thank goodness for the presence of the storm sisters. There's a dull ache in me already. I wonder if I'll burst out in tears when I really have to leave this place that I call home.
The past few months, I really wasn't that happy in hall anymore and was glad to use it as a silver lining for my graduation. But right now, all the tables have turned again and I'm not sure if I'm playing my cards right. Then again, I'm winning, and I should cherish that. What will be, will be.
I went off @
11:20 AM
Those days. That I'm already terrified of missing. Correction, this time, it does qualify as missing. We might not have noticed it, but we have already had the last league trainings of our undergraduate life. And I spent it being unhappy in tempest training. What a waste. Thank goodness for the presence of the storm sisters. There's a dull ache in me already. I wonder if I'll burst out in tears when I really have to leave this place that I call home.
The past few months, I really wasn't that happy in hall anymore and was glad to use it as a silver lining for my graduation. But right now, all the tables have turned again and I'm not sure if I'm playing my cards right. Then again, I'm winning, and I should cherish that. What will be, will be.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
another one from the carpenters...
after long enough of being alone
everyone must face their share of loneliness
in my own time nobody knew
the pain i was going through
and waiting was all my heart could do
hope was all i had until you came
maybe you can't see how much you mean to me
you were the dawn breaking the night
the promise of morning light
filling the world surrounding me
when i hold you
baby baby feels like maybe things will be alright
baby baby your love's made me
free as a song
singing forever
only yesterday when i was sad and i was lonely
you showed me the way to leave the past and all the tears behind me
tomorrow may be even brighter than today
since i threw my sadness away
only yesterday
I went off @
10:49 AM
after long enough of being alone
everyone must face their share of loneliness
in my own time nobody knew
the pain i was going through
and waiting was all my heart could do
hope was all i had until you came
maybe you can't see how much you mean to me
you were the dawn breaking the night
the promise of morning light
filling the world surrounding me
when i hold you
baby baby feels like maybe things will be alright
baby baby your love's made me
free as a song
singing forever
only yesterday when i was sad and i was lonely
you showed me the way to leave the past and all the tears behind me
tomorrow may be even brighter than today
since i threw my sadness away
only yesterday
Monday, April 5, 2010
It's the time of the season for schoolwork and exams again. And once again, it's not a dreaded time for me. Cos I take things easy and I've not been doing schoolwork all semester anyway. So yes libraries and more libraries and more songs on youtube... today's choices...
i'll say goodbye to love
no one ever cared if i should live or die
time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
and all i know of love is how to live without it
i just can't seem to find it
- the carpenters
life can show no mercy
it can tear your soul apart
it can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
and things have seemed to change
there's one thing that's still the same
in my heart you have remained
and we can fly, fly, fly away
- michael buble
I think walking through libraries, especially those with sun-filled shelves stacked with interesting books, makes one feel good. To be surrounded by so much intellect and feeling, perhaps you can feel it emanating from the pages. And libraries have so many books that even if you spent the rest of your life reading, you wouldn't be able to finish them. That is its sheer volume and the limitations of life on earth. But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't try...
I went off @
11:26 AM
i'll say goodbye to love
no one ever cared if i should live or die
time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
and all i know of love is how to live without it
i just can't seem to find it
- the carpenters
life can show no mercy
it can tear your soul apart
it can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
and things have seemed to change
there's one thing that's still the same
in my heart you have remained
and we can fly, fly, fly away
- michael buble
I think walking through libraries, especially those with sun-filled shelves stacked with interesting books, makes one feel good. To be surrounded by so much intellect and feeling, perhaps you can feel it emanating from the pages. And libraries have so many books that even if you spent the rest of your life reading, you wouldn't be able to finish them. That is its sheer volume and the limitations of life on earth. But it doesn't mean that we shouldn't try...
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Haha I went to the toilet and broke a cup. I was washing the cup and flinging it around to make it dry, and I misjudged and hit it too hard against the sink. Bammm, broken. Now it's up on my shelf, part of my alcohol memorabilia. Now I've forgotten what I want to blog about. Hmmm... Oh yeah... I'm terribly sad when my parents talk about my shifting home. They ask about when is the last date and when are we doing it etc. And I'm so freaking sad. I can't believe I have to shift home. Sighhhh... It's been a good weekend, my dad is somehow in a fabulous mood. But the thought of leaving hall is so gahhhh right now. Need a hug urgh!
I went off @
11:53 AM
I've been thinking, most of the time not consciously, not at times I would expect nor like. Why and how things happen, and why didn't they. I have regrets. But I also think some things can't be controlled by the hands of man. Perhaps, they can only be controlled by the hands of time. I think of things I've loved and lost, of things that I placed the seeds of my trust in, things that sowed my secrets far and wide. Empathy and forgiveness, but also unworthiness. If the sand hadn't slipped out of my palms, if the birds hadn't taken a migratory holiday, perhaps I wouldn't have...
It's 2am, early for my standards, I'm drinking for the first time in 3 weeks, once again, long for my standards. And I think I've just lost control of the bottle... this is a reminder of the importance of better control. Of judgment, of angles, of consequences...
I went off @
11:01 AM
It's 2am, early for my standards, I'm drinking for the first time in 3 weeks, once again, long for my standards. And I think I've just lost control of the bottle... this is a reminder of the importance of better control. Of judgment, of angles, of consequences...
I have high hopes in this mixture of black and white. I'm hoping it can taste good, feel good, drown thoughts and provide answers all at once. Well three quarters through and I think I'm three quarters pleased :) I can't really complain when I think too much cos I'm happy, there shouldn't be anything to whine about. Sometimes, life is lived best when you don't know what you're doing, what is coming, and how you're gonna deal with it. Sing for the moment.
sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
sing it with me, just for today
maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away
I went off @
10:26 AM
sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
sing it with me, just for today
maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away