Friday, January 29, 2010
this is a strange night, and this is a strange world
I went off @
10:54 AM
control
It seems to me I'm not real anymore, there's alot of holding back, pretending, ignorance, attempts to preserve what I have. Or what I think I have, but it's fragile. There's no such thing as reality or delusion, right or wrong anymore, there isn't even regret. For there are two sides to a cold shiny coin. Shouldahad on one, applause on the other. Wanting to reach out, but not letting it happen. Is it heading towards an I don't know, I don't care, I don't give a four letter word anymore?
cranky and hot and cold as it likes and all it does is frizz my hair up
I went off @
10:42 AM
cranky and hot and cold as it likes and all it does is frizz my hair up
I feel empty and useless on a normal friday night. Is it because I'm not keeping up with schoolwork though there's so little to be done? Not being proactive and hardworking in getting more fyp done. Sleeping too late and not going for lessons. It could be because of driving, my total ineptitude in taking the test. Freaking useless in the test. Couldn't even survive 5 seconds of the stress. And gone, gone, gone, wasting all my parents' money (I vow to pay them back). It could be because I make weird decisions that I actually don't want to make. That seem harmless but come and bite back at me in a very long-winded way. I want to stop doing things that make me worry. I want my carefree, purposeful life. I don't want to spend lonely nights in a dark and dingy room being melancholic over nothing and everything. Stop it, stop it.
I wish that my euphoria in triumph could have lasted a longer time, but I rarely get my cake and eat it. I'm happy about floorball, proud too, and I should think more about my successes rather than my defeats. And there's no merit in worry at all except more stress, when you can't anything, so quit it.
I went off @
5:04 AM
I wish that my euphoria in triumph could have lasted a longer time, but I rarely get my cake and eat it. I'm happy about floorball, proud too, and I should think more about my successes rather than my defeats. And there's no merit in worry at all except more stress, when you can't anything, so quit it.
this is what i've been dreaming of ever since the year 2006. this is it. looks like we made it. looks like i made it.
7-1. it was too good, too soon, too unbelievable that i caught glimpses of that prize but dared not reach out to it.
now it has really come true. this once in a lifetime. these smiles, frozen in our forevers. teamntuladies09/10.
Friday, January 22, 2010
There is still much work to be done, but I simply can't get to sleep in preparation for training later :( Luckily the timing at the end of my blog posts are wrong and I didn't know how to correct them, if not everyone can see how horridly late it is right now :p I don't want to lose my discipline and my health, but nothing I'm doing is putting me to sleep.
Keep that head screwed on when the lack of oxygen is threatening to blow it off. That, I think, is a crucial point. If your head is on, you'll know what to do, and you will do it well.
I went off @
1:46 PM
Keep that head screwed on when the lack of oxygen is threatening to blow it off. That, I think, is a crucial point. If your head is on, you'll know what to do, and you will do it well.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
slipping through my fingers...
sleeping with the light on...
I went off @
10:25 AM
sleeping with the light on...
fresh hurt dug up from years ago
the reality of my pathetic existence
The exact same situation can be funny, acceptable, or downright offensive depending on mood. Sometimes, when emotions are messed up, I just get so angry and sad at things out of my control. I miss sitting where I could see the sparkling south china sea from far, the sky, the trees, the muffled traffic of the ecp. I had my time, didn't I, when life was a rainbow and I jumped from colour to colour savouring all I could. Had I known the good times would end.
Not as focused as I want to be. I really really want this. It's my duty to them, to myself. Come what may, whatever other problems and inadequacies there are, they don't exist till late tomorrow night.
I went off @
10:06 AM
the reality of my pathetic existence
The exact same situation can be funny, acceptable, or downright offensive depending on mood. Sometimes, when emotions are messed up, I just get so angry and sad at things out of my control. I miss sitting where I could see the sparkling south china sea from far, the sky, the trees, the muffled traffic of the ecp. I had my time, didn't I, when life was a rainbow and I jumped from colour to colour savouring all I could. Had I known the good times would end.
Not as focused as I want to be. I really really want this. It's my duty to them, to myself. Come what may, whatever other problems and inadequacies there are, they don't exist till late tomorrow night.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Healthy emoness.
I think its fine.
Hey why is it that till this day, there are some things about myself, that I can't tell anybody, but you. And why is it that, there are some things that nobody else can see, but you.
I honestly don't care how the crowd jeers, I can see none of your faces. I only see within that plastic boundary. Beating myself up over some mistakes made, but there were more than a few triumphant moments, that just lacked that little bit of lady luck.
I know where to go from here, what to do, how to do. And above all, just run. fast. No matter what, rage like a rhino, block with body like a bear and shoot like a sharpshooter. hahah. I amuse myself.
cos tonight will be the night that i will fall for you
over again don't make me change my mind
I went off @
12:25 PM
I think its fine.
Hey why is it that till this day, there are some things about myself, that I can't tell anybody, but you. And why is it that, there are some things that nobody else can see, but you.
I honestly don't care how the crowd jeers, I can see none of your faces. I only see within that plastic boundary. Beating myself up over some mistakes made, but there were more than a few triumphant moments, that just lacked that little bit of lady luck.
I know where to go from here, what to do, how to do. And above all, just run. fast. No matter what, rage like a rhino, block with body like a bear and shoot like a sharpshooter. hahah. I amuse myself.
cos tonight will be the night that i will fall for you
over again don't make me change my mind
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
it's raining in my world...
and as i cry myself to sleep
i know this love of mine i'll keep
ocean deep.
I went off @
11:31 AM
and as i cry myself to sleep
i know this love of mine i'll keep
ocean deep.
five years on
i'm still standing at this spot
tried turning left and right
but time after time
i would u-turn with my tail between my legs
injured and sore
i read myself
and i saw the crop circles
one circle completed every semester
and in between drawing the circles
i sink into the ground and cry to the sky again
i spin my head off drawing these circles
which are not even real
they're a mystery, a lustful fantasy
and now i know
i've always known
i drew them for you
I went off @
11:25 AM
i'm still standing at this spot
tried turning left and right
but time after time
i would u-turn with my tail between my legs
injured and sore
i read myself
and i saw the crop circles
one circle completed every semester
and in between drawing the circles
i sink into the ground and cry to the sky again
i spin my head off drawing these circles
which are not even real
they're a mystery, a lustful fantasy
and now i know
i've always known
i drew them for you
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I went off @ 9:01 AM
Thursday, January 14, 2010
do we have to remember the time we fell in love, to fall out of it
what if you don't know why, what if you can't remember
for now there's nothing but crayon memories
one and only, the best i ever was
cos u made me come, you made me come alive
I went off @
1:05 AM
what if you don't know why, what if you can't remember
for now there's nothing but crayon memories
one and only, the best i ever was
cos u made me come, you made me come alive
Tired beyond recognition, but as I lay my head down onto my pillow, the adrenaline rushes as I picture scenario after scenario on the floorball court. Of events that I hope will happen. I could do so much better. I could provide the goals. I could 2 on 1. I could block that shot.
I went off @
12:51 AM
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Going away into hopefully, a deep long sleep. Goodnight world.
I went off @
9:15 AM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
If I lived a mere century ago or half a globe away, I would have died of urinary tract infection, aged 22. I'm blessed to have access to medicine that greater men have developed. I cannot imagine living my life anymore with the pain and discomfort, without the antibiotics. It would probably develop into a fatal infection, or the discomfort would be so bad that I'd spiral into disrepair anyway. I tried ignoring it for 2 weeks and taking lots of water to flush the toxins out, but it just wouldn't go away. The marvels of modern medicine.
Entire body not in good shape at the moment, its really really bad timing. Knee pains, butt pains, shins got hit by a stick such that sudden movements cause a sharp pain that's scary, sniffles... and so so so tired, such heavy eyelids that its unnatural. Feels like the flu's come knocking, hoping that with long sleep and more water, it'll not come in. Nightmares during afternoon nap. Very very upset with floorball... Trying very hard and my very best to go all out, but somehow I kept forgetting to 2 on 1, and general lack of stamina... I can't get the ball though I tried my best to run into the right positions. To them its still not right. Sigh.
In my dream, a tribal looking, very hot bodied, dark skinned man told me that if I wanted to fly, I could. He proceeded to jump off the building, flap his arms, and flew. He didn't have wings, but he flew.
I'm a wingless creature, can I fly too, by the intent, passionate flapping of my arms? I tried my best, I really did. I had no intention to slack off, but I failed to take off. How.
Don't think, just play? Maybe, maybe I put too much pressure on myself that I failed. I've been thinking I could play... but now I have very huge doubts about that. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe it's me, maybe it's them. So stop thinking and just attack the fng way.
I went off @
10:14 AM
Entire body not in good shape at the moment, its really really bad timing. Knee pains, butt pains, shins got hit by a stick such that sudden movements cause a sharp pain that's scary, sniffles... and so so so tired, such heavy eyelids that its unnatural. Feels like the flu's come knocking, hoping that with long sleep and more water, it'll not come in. Nightmares during afternoon nap. Very very upset with floorball... Trying very hard and my very best to go all out, but somehow I kept forgetting to 2 on 1, and general lack of stamina... I can't get the ball though I tried my best to run into the right positions. To them its still not right. Sigh.
In my dream, a tribal looking, very hot bodied, dark skinned man told me that if I wanted to fly, I could. He proceeded to jump off the building, flap his arms, and flew. He didn't have wings, but he flew.
I'm a wingless creature, can I fly too, by the intent, passionate flapping of my arms? I tried my best, I really did. I had no intention to slack off, but I failed to take off. How.
Don't think, just play? Maybe, maybe I put too much pressure on myself that I failed. I've been thinking I could play... but now I have very huge doubts about that. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe it's me, maybe it's them. So stop thinking and just attack the fng way.
Monday, January 4, 2010
vulnerable veron.
I went off @
9:48 AM
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I think I'm ill, been ill for a week and just didn't know it. Hot and cold spells, and sniffing. My parents tell me off for not taking care of myself, and feed me barley and chicken essence at home. What's wrong here, my unbalanced diet, my lack of sleep? Immune system's been down, but not down enough to warrant a trip to the clinic. Same thing goes for the urinary tract problem, its not serious enough but its been bothering me for almost 2 weeks now. Good thing my mum has some medication at home, I've been putting off going to the doctor cos I didn't want to waste money. Having a very edgy relationship with money now. Have a phobia of playing mahjong that's quite serious, cos I'm usually not the kind who'd want to reject or offend people. But that day at the table after just one game I felt like if I didn't get up soon I'd hyperventilate. I'm just so scared of losing any more money and I just don't want to play anymore. That's seriously serious cos I used to like to play it alot. And I felt irritated and uneasy when my parents paid for a not-very-nice dimsum dinner today. I didn't like the feeling of spending money that I did not earn. It's so near, yet so far, to earning my own keep and repaying my benefactors.
When you're sick but not that sick, you let the problem hide between the sheets and sail on with you unknowingly. And even if I wanted to do something about it, what? I don't think mild sniffing deserves medicine. Take vitamin C? It has never been proven to cure or help anything. But maybe placebo effect is the best I can do. Some situations and decisions in life are so confusing, that sometimes we don't know whats real anymore. Maybe a day out in the sun will add a glow to me that'll extend from my skin to my heart. When we have a problem, but have no idea how to go on about it anymore, maybe all we can do is just pretend and find some shallow cures.
I went off @
10:08 AM
When you're sick but not that sick, you let the problem hide between the sheets and sail on with you unknowingly. And even if I wanted to do something about it, what? I don't think mild sniffing deserves medicine. Take vitamin C? It has never been proven to cure or help anything. But maybe placebo effect is the best I can do. Some situations and decisions in life are so confusing, that sometimes we don't know whats real anymore. Maybe a day out in the sun will add a glow to me that'll extend from my skin to my heart. When we have a problem, but have no idea how to go on about it anymore, maybe all we can do is just pretend and find some shallow cures.
I am at a loss for words and expressions. You beat me at my own game.
I went off @
9:07 AM
Friday, January 1, 2010
It's been a year of typicality and contradictions. Of similar screw ups yet culminating confidence. I have no idea how does that work out.
Exam results were pretty darn bad as usual, but then again, the low expectations helped. I passed everything and am one semester closer to completing my university education. I do realise that this is finally it, this year, I'll have to face the real world. Not some sleepy slacky sloppy internship this time. The path's seriously ain't any clearer now than it was before. But I'm not that bothered anymore, I guess this is a rite of passage for many people. My plan, well, is to perform my best at whatever work gets thrown at me, and start my slow and steady climb to the top.
Floorball, well, I spent my second season in div 1 and didn't do too well I guess. Injured and nervous and bad-tempered and had my confidence shaken when people from the supporters' bench told me unconstructive stuff. But I believe I emerged from the experience stronger and better. It's my last competitive season in 10 days and it's gonna take a meshing together of all the experiences and feelings in the past few years to perform what I have to do. Best takeaway advice is that its mostly about confidence, and attitude.. the will to want the ball, to run faster, to block that shot, to keep your cool when things go wrong.
Lets see about family. Truth be told I enjoyed being at home the few times I was at home this last semester. Maybe its because I was at home so little and avoided all the scoldings and fights, but it feels as though things have improved. I grew up a little bit more and decided to lie a little less, only prudently and to the extent I have to to live my life as a normal 22 year old. This new year's eve and day, I knew they wouldn't let me spend it at countdowns or parties or even friends' gatherings, and honestly I'm sick of that possessive control. So I decided to just not come home and said I needed to do my fyp in hall over the holidays. And in hall did they let me stay, naggings and all but I think its a milestone.
Most people can't take a night in hall all alone, without a roommate and neighbours, but I'm all fine and happy by myself. It may be the best new year that I have ever spent. The best idea that consumed me recently, is to love myself more. That last point is treading the fine line of things I can and cannot control, things that I can and cannot think rationally about.
What can I say, I have a weak but blood filled heart...
I went off @
7:11 AM
Exam results were pretty darn bad as usual, but then again, the low expectations helped. I passed everything and am one semester closer to completing my university education. I do realise that this is finally it, this year, I'll have to face the real world. Not some sleepy slacky sloppy internship this time. The path's seriously ain't any clearer now than it was before. But I'm not that bothered anymore, I guess this is a rite of passage for many people. My plan, well, is to perform my best at whatever work gets thrown at me, and start my slow and steady climb to the top.
Floorball, well, I spent my second season in div 1 and didn't do too well I guess. Injured and nervous and bad-tempered and had my confidence shaken when people from the supporters' bench told me unconstructive stuff. But I believe I emerged from the experience stronger and better. It's my last competitive season in 10 days and it's gonna take a meshing together of all the experiences and feelings in the past few years to perform what I have to do. Best takeaway advice is that its mostly about confidence, and attitude.. the will to want the ball, to run faster, to block that shot, to keep your cool when things go wrong.
Lets see about family. Truth be told I enjoyed being at home the few times I was at home this last semester. Maybe its because I was at home so little and avoided all the scoldings and fights, but it feels as though things have improved. I grew up a little bit more and decided to lie a little less, only prudently and to the extent I have to to live my life as a normal 22 year old. This new year's eve and day, I knew they wouldn't let me spend it at countdowns or parties or even friends' gatherings, and honestly I'm sick of that possessive control. So I decided to just not come home and said I needed to do my fyp in hall over the holidays. And in hall did they let me stay, naggings and all but I think its a milestone.
Most people can't take a night in hall all alone, without a roommate and neighbours, but I'm all fine and happy by myself. It may be the best new year that I have ever spent. The best idea that consumed me recently, is to love myself more. That last point is treading the fine line of things I can and cannot control, things that I can and cannot think rationally about.
What can I say, I have a weak but blood filled heart...
So I spent the first day of 2010, January 1st, having pains and feelings that I couldn't control. One of the few things that I can't control in my life. It's not supposed to be a good omen, so its lucky I'm not superstitious. In case you're wondering, its mostly cramps and pressures due to you know what, but its one hell of a major case of discomfort. Thank goodness I'm lazing the whole day in. I won't know how to keep a straight face or even a straight back in a public setting with all this pain. As for the other pain, I asked for it. And I'll never regret it.
ninety miles outside chicago
can't stop driving i don't know why
so many questions still need an answer
two years later you're still on my mind
I went off @
5:38 AM
ninety miles outside chicago
can't stop driving i don't know why
so many questions still need an answer
two years later you're still on my mind