Haha another postless three days, and I'm starting to cultivate the habit of remembering to blog when I'm happy. Ok well I'm pretty worried bout the history essay today, just noticed that the country I'm doing on isn't covered within the last few chapters, but technically it's still under East Asia. It's too late to change topic now, and the most I can do is to cross my fingers and toes and hope that the prof is lenient and allow me a pass please. I'm even considering removing the SU option so that I can pass even if it is a D.
Still, it was an intensive and productive last three days. Went to JE library to take down the information I needed from a book there, and spent the whole of wednesday finishing up the essay. No matter how horrible the outcome can be, I've put in the effort and it's done! Conference paper is also already edited. Now there's just that management essay due next wednesday <1600 hrs. And fyp presentation but that's still pretty far away on 19 April. Ok there's also german oral on 12 April. Why does the second half of the semester seem oh so short, it feels like only a few weeks since the break and now it's coming to a close? It saddens me now that this semester is really going to come to an end so soon :( This sentiment is making me cherish the fact that since there is still schoolwork, I'll still get to enjoy my undergrad life. Oh but post-exam fun is pretty good too :)
Been happy the past few days really, glad to get the essay done, and especially cos I got to play my favorite sport besides floorball... badminton. Sometimes I love it even more than floorball, cos I'm not trained in it and thus don't need to feel so sad and inadequate over it as I do for floorball so much of the time. Haven't had the luxury of playing it for almost 2 years? I can't believe I let that happen considering how very much I love it. Sometimes you don't put in enough effort, sometimes you don't know how, but sometimes things just fall into place :) Very very rusty but I know what to do to improve, and I can! I strained my right leg quite badly cos of it though, walking is painful and even jogging is quite impossible. Another lesson on the importance of warming up and stretching, for me, my muscles are especially prone to strain. Don't know how it'll be tomorrow, but I don't really mind not training. That's how sian I am about floorball right now.
Been using my iphone to listen to youtube videos alot lately, in a bid to even use one gb of the data plan :p Latest song that has just entered into my obsessive listening loop...
look at what's happened to me
i can't believe it myself
suddenly i'm on top of the world
it should have been somebody else
believe it or not
i'm walking on air
i never thought i could feel so free
flying away on a wing and a prayer
who could it be
believe or not its just me
I went off @
12:19 PM
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I've always known that I tend to blog when I'm sad rather than happy. Perplexed rather than carefree. I'm already very much cheered up at this moment :) But the afternoon was when my stupid temper reared its ugly head AGAIN. I hate it, I really really hate it. Whatever excuses I can come up for it - hormonal changes, seeing family violence from young (literally, throwing things around, things much larger and more breakable than a floorball stick), 'it's in the genes'... they don't adequately resolve the fact that it's my fault that I'm so ill-disciplined. Others could also have the same excuses as me, but somehow they can control theirs. I really hate myself for doing this, cos it inflicts pain and embarrassment not only to me, but to friends and people around me. What can I do to make sure I don't vent my anger in violent ways? I'm worried I'd become a parent who beats her kids uncontrollably, I'm worried I'll come home from work everyday and shout at my family cos I'm in a bad mood.
How do I remind myself, everyday for the rest of my life, that tempers must never be allowed to run free again. Whatever the reason. I normally throw my temper when I feel that things have been unfair, it stems from the same low self-esteem problem; the feeling that people don't like me thus they treat me unfairly. Even if it is true, there is absolutely no reason to ever throw your temper with regards to people you love. I mean if you are being victimized by strangers that's a different story.
What must I do to curb this problem? Does something really bad have to happen to me, do I have to lose something, before I can change? Maybe I already have. It's not a very positive thought though, to change only because I'm afraid of losing things. I must change because if so many other people can do it, so can I, and no one I love deserves to have such mental violence inflicted on them, in direct or indirect ways.
The painting of my life is in my hands. Though some of it was already painted before I was born, though my childhood severely smudged the picture, it's up to the grown-up me to add in the rainbows and remove the lurking shadows, to do the best I can to transform it into a artwork I'd be proud of.
_____________________________________________
Well I had three days of fun and happiness before the silly shit on sunday.
Thursday - We finished my fyp report, totally, at last :) We printed it on wednesday but only noticed some glaring mistakes on thursday morning. So there was a panicked last minute rush to print and queue up at the photocopy shop to re-bind. Nothing short of a heart-thumping fest to end off this arduous road. Went to jp kuishin bo for a mini celebration after that. Was supposed to have german lesson and I even brought out all my heavy textbooks for it, then my fyp prof asked us to 'go celebrate like now! just skip lesson as long as it's not mine!' Haha I was already very tempted to skip, and the moment she said it I knew there was no way back :p Still don't really find the one hour rush at kuishin bo a good dining experience. But it was our 'victory' lunch so still enjoyable :) yum cha dim sum buffet to come after the presentation in april :)
Friday - I know it was good but at the top of my head I couldn't remember what I did. So I tried to remember backwards, and I realised that I only woke up in the afternoon, hence the lack of daytime activity haha. Slacked a little in the afternoon then off to dinner at can 2 with eunice. Hadn't had the chicken chop there for quite some time, and omg still find it so nice! Then I tried to bend her blade for her and show her how to do the most basic airhook. Quite a success, only to find out from jh later that our blades are not bent enough haha. Felt bad, but at least it'll be easier when we get it bent properly!
Saturday - Woke up super duper early (7 on a saturday!?) for the runroundntu thing. We were rather sian about it for some time but decided that it could be fun. And of course it turned out so :) Primarily because of the services of my best friend the iphone cam. Camwhored and camwhored, made people pose for me, caught really once in a lifetime moments. I think I'm cultivating a really intuitive understanding with my iphone cam :) The blue sky was simply splendid that morning, so blue and clear that by looking at it you would feel that life's good and the world's a beautiful place. All in all I wouldn't have missed saturday morning for the world, loved it. Haha and also inducted may lim into the letstryairhook club, our symbol is a halfball :D Floorball on the rooftop is just amazing :)
Sunday - Today, the ithrewmytemper day. Besides that, 3 on 3 is always fun, and we rather unexpectedly made it to second place! Team captain planet! Tingyi - dependable zai kia, Jiehong - the person I want in my team cos it's so scary to play against him, May Lim - mvp in semis la haha, scored the only goal! And myself, tend to make stupid suay mistakes but also blocked a lot of shots la :) Prize was $150 ntuc voucher, not bad. I can buy groceries that I wanted but didn't want to spend on now :)
I went off @
11:16 AM
How do I remind myself, everyday for the rest of my life, that tempers must never be allowed to run free again. Whatever the reason. I normally throw my temper when I feel that things have been unfair, it stems from the same low self-esteem problem; the feeling that people don't like me thus they treat me unfairly. Even if it is true, there is absolutely no reason to ever throw your temper with regards to people you love. I mean if you are being victimized by strangers that's a different story.
What must I do to curb this problem? Does something really bad have to happen to me, do I have to lose something, before I can change? Maybe I already have. It's not a very positive thought though, to change only because I'm afraid of losing things. I must change because if so many other people can do it, so can I, and no one I love deserves to have such mental violence inflicted on them, in direct or indirect ways.
The painting of my life is in my hands. Though some of it was already painted before I was born, though my childhood severely smudged the picture, it's up to the grown-up me to add in the rainbows and remove the lurking shadows, to do the best I can to transform it into a artwork I'd be proud of.
_____________________________________________
Well I had three days of fun and happiness before the silly shit on sunday.
Thursday - We finished my fyp report, totally, at last :) We printed it on wednesday but only noticed some glaring mistakes on thursday morning. So there was a panicked last minute rush to print and queue up at the photocopy shop to re-bind. Nothing short of a heart-thumping fest to end off this arduous road. Went to jp kuishin bo for a mini celebration after that. Was supposed to have german lesson and I even brought out all my heavy textbooks for it, then my fyp prof asked us to 'go celebrate like now! just skip lesson as long as it's not mine!' Haha I was already very tempted to skip, and the moment she said it I knew there was no way back :p Still don't really find the one hour rush at kuishin bo a good dining experience. But it was our 'victory' lunch so still enjoyable :) yum cha dim sum buffet to come after the presentation in april :)
Friday - I know it was good but at the top of my head I couldn't remember what I did. So I tried to remember backwards, and I realised that I only woke up in the afternoon, hence the lack of daytime activity haha. Slacked a little in the afternoon then off to dinner at can 2 with eunice. Hadn't had the chicken chop there for quite some time, and omg still find it so nice! Then I tried to bend her blade for her and show her how to do the most basic airhook. Quite a success, only to find out from jh later that our blades are not bent enough haha. Felt bad, but at least it'll be easier when we get it bent properly!
Saturday - Woke up super duper early (7 on a saturday!?) for the runroundntu thing. We were rather sian about it for some time but decided that it could be fun. And of course it turned out so :) Primarily because of the services of my best friend the iphone cam. Camwhored and camwhored, made people pose for me, caught really once in a lifetime moments. I think I'm cultivating a really intuitive understanding with my iphone cam :) The blue sky was simply splendid that morning, so blue and clear that by looking at it you would feel that life's good and the world's a beautiful place. All in all I wouldn't have missed saturday morning for the world, loved it. Haha and also inducted may lim into the letstryairhook club, our symbol is a halfball :D Floorball on the rooftop is just amazing :)
Sunday - Today, the ithrewmytemper day. Besides that, 3 on 3 is always fun, and we rather unexpectedly made it to second place! Team captain planet! Tingyi - dependable zai kia, Jiehong - the person I want in my team cos it's so scary to play against him, May Lim - mvp in semis la haha, scored the only goal! And myself, tend to make stupid suay mistakes but also blocked a lot of shots la :) Prize was $150 ntuc voucher, not bad. I can buy groceries that I wanted but didn't want to spend on now :)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I'd like to ask everyone if they are happy with their lives. Cos on a whole, it's very hard to say that I am. Is it cos I'm demanding, hard to please, and hanker after things I don't have? Or compared to people around me (don't compare me to fricking africa cos then there'll be no more argument), my life really ain't that good.
Make no mistake, I was really at ease a few hours ago. But it only took a few minutes to cast me into the shadows.
There are scenarios I encounter, things people tell me, that make me upset. I dare not voice out my unhappiness cos I'm afraid of what they will think of me. That I'm childish and mean.
How much of our own happiness is actually under our control really. How much of it can be manipulated, how much can we actually alter our feelings?
If I'm inherently unhappy about something, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't be, I can't change it. And if you're unhappy and you just tell yourself to appreciate the good instead, to some extent isn't it ignoring the problem and forcing yourself?
I mean there's a very fine line isn't it, between being positive and being overly so. What if some things are actually worth being sad over. It could actually be a trigger for improvement sometimes.
I'm in a very confused mood.
Over whether I have the privilege to be unhappy over things that normal people wouldn't be unhappy about. And just ignore the people who do it to you. Tell them outright and scold them maybe, and generally spoil relations. Or that I'm being unreasonable and weird and I should just grow up.
It depends on the people in question too I guess. Reminder that the self comes first, who cares about relations and proper behavior and stuff, the most important thing is my own sanity and well-being right.
As I reflect, I know that there are things about me I should change. Low self esteem for example. If only I knew how.
I've been hooked on this song lately, by the talented elton john (melody) and bernie taupin (lyrics) way back in '73...
so goodbye yellow brick road
where the dogs of society howl
you can't plant me in your penthouse
i'm going back to my plough
back to the howling old owl in the woods
hunting the horny back toad
oh I've finally decided my future lies
beyond the yellow brick road
On the first few listenings I loved the lyrics for its straightforward meaning, and after more and more times I think that they can mean much more than that.
I went off @
2:29 PM
Make no mistake, I was really at ease a few hours ago. But it only took a few minutes to cast me into the shadows.
There are scenarios I encounter, things people tell me, that make me upset. I dare not voice out my unhappiness cos I'm afraid of what they will think of me. That I'm childish and mean.
How much of our own happiness is actually under our control really. How much of it can be manipulated, how much can we actually alter our feelings?
If I'm inherently unhappy about something, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't be, I can't change it. And if you're unhappy and you just tell yourself to appreciate the good instead, to some extent isn't it ignoring the problem and forcing yourself?
I mean there's a very fine line isn't it, between being positive and being overly so. What if some things are actually worth being sad over. It could actually be a trigger for improvement sometimes.
I'm in a very confused mood.
Over whether I have the privilege to be unhappy over things that normal people wouldn't be unhappy about. And just ignore the people who do it to you. Tell them outright and scold them maybe, and generally spoil relations. Or that I'm being unreasonable and weird and I should just grow up.
It depends on the people in question too I guess. Reminder that the self comes first, who cares about relations and proper behavior and stuff, the most important thing is my own sanity and well-being right.
As I reflect, I know that there are things about me I should change. Low self esteem for example. If only I knew how.
I've been hooked on this song lately, by the talented elton john (melody) and bernie taupin (lyrics) way back in '73...
so goodbye yellow brick road
where the dogs of society howl
you can't plant me in your penthouse
i'm going back to my plough
back to the howling old owl in the woods
hunting the horny back toad
oh I've finally decided my future lies
beyond the yellow brick road
On the first few listenings I loved the lyrics for its straightforward meaning, and after more and more times I think that they can mean much more than that.
The world is a different place when you stand on higher ground uninhibited by ceilings. Even up-slopes disguise themselves pretty well, they don't look as steep. I was a happy girl as I walked to the end of the corridor tonight, climbed half a staircase, felt even happier, climbed all the way to the rooftop, and felt euphoria. At that moment all I desired was a penthouse of my own, a home where I could enjoy the breeze and watch the inky black sky every night.
My mood wasn't good at all just an hour before. I had just finished doing my fyp today (printed it out in hard copy no less), but felt worried over my next two essays, and had general withdrawal symptoms from finishing a tough task. I couldn't settle down enough to start work on the other essays, and sat around listlessly. Then I went to the toilet and somehow, scraped the sharp edge of the cubicle door on my big toe as I opened it, cos the door ends very far down. And it ended up being, well, painful! My first instinct was to curse the stupid new toilet designs haha but I got over it in a few minutes. And after talking to some friends online, I started to rationalise that the other essays should be easier to settle than fyp. Reminder to self: numerous edits, picky editors, tricky searching of articles, unsmokable, pressure to have perfect classy english. I'm in control of the other essays; searching of info is minimal for management, and history is more interesting than not. Bright side please :)
As I stood on the not-often-enough-appreciated rooftop, I felt a tinge of regret that I didn't come up here more often. True there is some weird toilet smell sometimes, but I didn't really notice it tonight. I took a 360 degree look around me, and smiled at how much my hall looks like a peaceful chalet from here. The feeling of looking at these seemingly normal scenes of buildings and trees can't be described in words. It resides somewhere in the heart.
Sometimes the sky is not all that starless, some stars just take a moment to appear. At times you may forget them, at times you can't have them, but they're there. I was very sad at the thought that most of my friends are not here in hall with me this year, but now I start to appreciate the relationship I can have with this place. The place where you all walked through and touched my life, the place which still holds our memories in its very soul.
There's no place like hall.
I went off @
11:38 AM
My mood wasn't good at all just an hour before. I had just finished doing my fyp today (printed it out in hard copy no less), but felt worried over my next two essays, and had general withdrawal symptoms from finishing a tough task. I couldn't settle down enough to start work on the other essays, and sat around listlessly. Then I went to the toilet and somehow, scraped the sharp edge of the cubicle door on my big toe as I opened it, cos the door ends very far down. And it ended up being, well, painful! My first instinct was to curse the stupid new toilet designs haha but I got over it in a few minutes. And after talking to some friends online, I started to rationalise that the other essays should be easier to settle than fyp. Reminder to self: numerous edits, picky editors, tricky searching of articles, unsmokable, pressure to have perfect classy english. I'm in control of the other essays; searching of info is minimal for management, and history is more interesting than not. Bright side please :)
As I stood on the not-often-enough-appreciated rooftop, I felt a tinge of regret that I didn't come up here more often. True there is some weird toilet smell sometimes, but I didn't really notice it tonight. I took a 360 degree look around me, and smiled at how much my hall looks like a peaceful chalet from here. The feeling of looking at these seemingly normal scenes of buildings and trees can't be described in words. It resides somewhere in the heart.
Sometimes the sky is not all that starless, some stars just take a moment to appear. At times you may forget them, at times you can't have them, but they're there. I was very sad at the thought that most of my friends are not here in hall with me this year, but now I start to appreciate the relationship I can have with this place. The place where you all walked through and touched my life, the place which still holds our memories in its very soul.
There's no place like hall.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The reason why I'm suddenly writing so much, is cos I deactivated my fb account temporarily and am still trying to get used to it. I've been thinking about what yr said about not being on fb and having an enriching life. Then I felt that going to fb just helps to ease boredom, it doesn't actually add anything positive into my life. I don't use it to keep in touch with anyone, say hi to anyone. I just go on there everytime I come onto my laptop and view other peoples' photos, status updates. Most of whom are not even my friends. Not to mention its really laggy and you waste a ton of time going through a few photos. I spend time laughing at peoples' funny photos, which is just another avenue of bad karma. And then there's that stupid photo tagging business, I like seeing friends' photos and it may seem innocent and all but sometimes it can drive me up the wall. You've gotta admit that it's a good social platform for events, and perhaps even too heavily relied on these days. I like the concept but it just takes one recalcitrant 'friend' to spoil your experience. Fb may be ok if you log in from time to time I guess, but when it's become the way of life it gets too much. And there were recent events that I couldn't stand anymore, such as my own stupid indisciplined hands clicking on things I shouldn't have, seeing things I didn't want to see. It's just some stupid words, imagine if the profile wasn't locked and I could view photos. That will rape my senses dry and throw me down a cliff into a dark black ocean. So I've had enough and I'm taking a break.
I went off @
1:31 PM
take a leaf out of the city
and remember to give it to me
...not. i didn't get it then, and there's no reason why i should get it now. nothing else you do can hurt me just as much as it did. there's no way you can surpass that.
I went off @
1:14 PM
and remember to give it to me
...not. i didn't get it then, and there's no reason why i should get it now. nothing else you do can hurt me just as much as it did. there's no way you can surpass that.
I cannot help but have a heavy heart when I feel that there are some people around who are suspiciously not sincere. I just don't feel happy seeing them cosy up to nice people. And I can never trust people who I thought were friends, but turned out not to be.
Honestly some parts of it are none of my business, and for the latter, it's their loss. It's still sad to think about it.
It's 3.45am in the morning. I did fyp for more than 12 hours last night and went to bed at 12 noon today, had a short and not restful sleep in the afternoon, then had a nice dinner at crystal jade with eunice and the pandadogs :) Came back to hall and chit chatted with eunice and may lim for like 2 hours! How time flies when you're just talking huh. Good thing about today is that my prof got back to us with our latest draft and there's nothing more to add! Just got to get the citations done. Which I'm really too tired to do now, guess I can get my sleep cycle a little more back to normal and sleep soon. Last thorough editing and addition of citations tomorrow, and its adios to fyp! Bittersweet. Have two more essays to complete but omg I can't believe that this is seriously the end of fyp. I remember all the initial pains I had during the literature review process, when I wasn't that good at it and even more unmotivated. When the deadlines came and I still couldn't get things done and I felt like life was worth ending. Haha stupid. The numerous edits of the different sections were tedious but it can't be said that it wasn't interesting. There is so much more about mass communication strategies and how people perceive things that I know now. I don't think I'm smart enough to remember stuff well enough and digest them and apply them that easily, but with a background it's better than nothing. And we're gonna send a draft of the report to the international conference. Denver dreaming!
Haha there are gorgeous pictures of the rockies which embody the city, but I've always had a fascination for the different metropolises around the world especially in the USA. Just being in a big city, walking the busy streets, seeing the magnificent skyscrapers, soaking in the culture, turns me on just as much as visiting a great work of nature. I honestly don't think I deserve to go on the trip, but IF we really do get in it's gonna be sponsored, how can you say no to that...
I have had cold hands when it enters the wee hours of the morning, for the past two nights. And my feet are always cold at night, so I always put them below a leg pillow when I sleep. It could either be bad blood circulation, though I have no idea why I would have that, or mild anaemia. Which I'm pretty sure I have. There are some days of pms whereby I can get up from a sitting position and have to stand and wait for a few seconds cos I go dizzy. Another common cause for the cold hands is diabetes, which I have hereditary predisposition and hope I don't have, especially at this young age.
Gonna go get warm water in my bottle to warm those hands up, and wear long socks to sleep tonight.
I went off @
12:38 PM
Honestly some parts of it are none of my business, and for the latter, it's their loss. It's still sad to think about it.
It's 3.45am in the morning. I did fyp for more than 12 hours last night and went to bed at 12 noon today, had a short and not restful sleep in the afternoon, then had a nice dinner at crystal jade with eunice and the pandadogs :) Came back to hall and chit chatted with eunice and may lim for like 2 hours! How time flies when you're just talking huh. Good thing about today is that my prof got back to us with our latest draft and there's nothing more to add! Just got to get the citations done. Which I'm really too tired to do now, guess I can get my sleep cycle a little more back to normal and sleep soon. Last thorough editing and addition of citations tomorrow, and its adios to fyp! Bittersweet. Have two more essays to complete but omg I can't believe that this is seriously the end of fyp. I remember all the initial pains I had during the literature review process, when I wasn't that good at it and even more unmotivated. When the deadlines came and I still couldn't get things done and I felt like life was worth ending. Haha stupid. The numerous edits of the different sections were tedious but it can't be said that it wasn't interesting. There is so much more about mass communication strategies and how people perceive things that I know now. I don't think I'm smart enough to remember stuff well enough and digest them and apply them that easily, but with a background it's better than nothing. And we're gonna send a draft of the report to the international conference. Denver dreaming!
Haha there are gorgeous pictures of the rockies which embody the city, but I've always had a fascination for the different metropolises around the world especially in the USA. Just being in a big city, walking the busy streets, seeing the magnificent skyscrapers, soaking in the culture, turns me on just as much as visiting a great work of nature. I honestly don't think I deserve to go on the trip, but IF we really do get in it's gonna be sponsored, how can you say no to that...I have had cold hands when it enters the wee hours of the morning, for the past two nights. And my feet are always cold at night, so I always put them below a leg pillow when I sleep. It could either be bad blood circulation, though I have no idea why I would have that, or mild anaemia. Which I'm pretty sure I have. There are some days of pms whereby I can get up from a sitting position and have to stand and wait for a few seconds cos I go dizzy. Another common cause for the cold hands is diabetes, which I have hereditary predisposition and hope I don't have, especially at this young age.
Gonna go get warm water in my bottle to warm those hands up, and wear long socks to sleep tonight.
Dog Philosophy:
I went off @
12:18 PM
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run and greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6.Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
At this moment in time, I think I've managed to wake up, cut it up into pieces, and placed it into the freezer. I thank my friends, very very much.
I have better things to worry about, like my own sanity and health. If I manage to pull through this ordeal, I've the best blessings in the world, and I'll remember and be thankful for it every day of my life. If I don't, I guess I've to make do. But I pray, deeply, that I'll be.
If there's a message for anyone, it's... learn.
I went off @
2:26 PM
I have better things to worry about, like my own sanity and health. If I manage to pull through this ordeal, I've the best blessings in the world, and I'll remember and be thankful for it every day of my life. If I don't, I guess I've to make do. But I pray, deeply, that I'll be.
If there's a message for anyone, it's... learn.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Good afternoon, you manage to wind your way into my thoughts at any time of the day. A hug feels the same then and now. Even now, I feel your thoughts.
I went off @
1:40 AM
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Yawns. It's 8 in the morning and I'm going to sleep. Been toiling at fyp for almost the entire night but oddly its one of the happiest I've felt for the past few days. I'm still thinking about and enjoying proper meals as though they're the only thing in my life right now. But it's been a surprisingly fulfilling night. Till I snooped around my own fb profile and my old wall and gifts and shit, and I saw something that made me smile ever so widely, then I clicked on something that made me frown my whole face away again. This was the very action that triggered my anger last december, and I don't learn from my mistakes do I. Fb is seriously quite a toxic thing. Sigh. I have the trump card to make myself better though.
I hope I can get to sleep and have a good one without any more negative dreams. Looking forward to hall production later, very very much :)
I went off @
5:39 PM
I hope I can get to sleep and have a good one without any more negative dreams. Looking forward to hall production later, very very much :)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Not in the mood to do anything today, think, talk, much less write. Fyp this afternoon was a do-or-die so I'm glad I got that done. Had to do more editing at night but I simply was too tired to do it. Giddy and weak the past 2 days, I don't know why and it's scary. There are so many possible explanations, the most positives ones being pms and mental block against doing work. It's late and I should sleep, but I'm preoccupied. I feel that if I turned off my laptop and went to bed with a book, I would feel helpless and restless. Such a familiar feeling, but it never fails to disarm me, every time.
I have no wish to go for lessons tomorrow, at all. I could never have predicted that I was this weak, I thought I was just like any other girl. I sure didn't prepare myself for this, cos I sincerely thought I didn't need to. Others have had childish notions, but it seems as though I'm the only one whom the years have failed to unsweeten.
If I were actively around others, doing stuff, talking, it wouldn't come to this. But when you have to do schoolwork, most of the time you'll be alone in your room. I understand I can't disturb friends all the time, and most of the time there isn't anyone I'd like to talk to online (i don't know how it came to this). Hopefully when I start working and get tired out, I won't have time to think about all this anymore.
I have this habit of highlighting and unhighlighting words on the screen for fun and just as I was highlighting a word to change, my finger slipped and I deleted a whole chunk of words. It's irritating but I always try my best to remember what I wrote and start writing again. No matter how angry, pathetic I am, I'll always want to admit and document how I felt. And I really dislike giving up on things and not completing things I wanted to. Maybe this would explain my behavior a little. Maybe there is an abnormal kink, a neon colored portion of my DNA that imbues me with the extraordinary disability to give up on something I really want.
I went off @
11:27 AM
I have no wish to go for lessons tomorrow, at all. I could never have predicted that I was this weak, I thought I was just like any other girl. I sure didn't prepare myself for this, cos I sincerely thought I didn't need to. Others have had childish notions, but it seems as though I'm the only one whom the years have failed to unsweeten.
If I were actively around others, doing stuff, talking, it wouldn't come to this. But when you have to do schoolwork, most of the time you'll be alone in your room. I understand I can't disturb friends all the time, and most of the time there isn't anyone I'd like to talk to online (i don't know how it came to this). Hopefully when I start working and get tired out, I won't have time to think about all this anymore.
I have this habit of highlighting and unhighlighting words on the screen for fun and just as I was highlighting a word to change, my finger slipped and I deleted a whole chunk of words. It's irritating but I always try my best to remember what I wrote and start writing again. No matter how angry, pathetic I am, I'll always want to admit and document how I felt. And I really dislike giving up on things and not completing things I wanted to. Maybe this would explain my behavior a little. Maybe there is an abnormal kink, a neon colored portion of my DNA that imbues me with the extraordinary disability to give up on something I really want.
if i had never met you, i wouldn't have liked you
if i had never liked you, i wouldn't have loved you
if i had never loved you, i wouldn't have missed you
but i did, i do and i will
-author unknown
I went off @
10:42 AM
if i had never liked you, i wouldn't have loved you
if i had never loved you, i wouldn't have missed you
but i did, i do and i will
-author unknown
the only type of song that wouldn't make me cry...
i need love, love to ease my mind
i need to find time, someone to call mine
my mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes
how many heartaches must I stand
before I find the love to let me live again
right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
when I feel my strength, oh it's almost gone
i remember mama said
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
how long must I wait, how much more must I take
before loneliness, will cause my heart, heart to break
no I cant bear to live my life alone
i grow impatient for a love to call my own
but when I feel that I, I can't go on
these precious words keep me hangin' on
i remember mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes, gotta wait
no love, love don't come easy
but I keep on waiting
anticipating for that soft voice
to talk to me at night
for some tender arms to hold me tight
i keep waiting, till that day
but it ain't easy
no you know it ain't easy
I went off @
10:13 AM
i need love, love to ease my mind
i need to find time, someone to call mine
my mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes
how many heartaches must I stand
before I find the love to let me live again
right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
when I feel my strength, oh it's almost gone
i remember mama said
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
how long must I wait, how much more must I take
before loneliness, will cause my heart, heart to break
no I cant bear to live my life alone
i grow impatient for a love to call my own
but when I feel that I, I can't go on
these precious words keep me hangin' on
i remember mama said you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
she said love don't come easy
it's a game of give and take
you can't hurry love
no you'll just have to wait
just trust in a good time
no matter how long it takes, gotta wait
no love, love don't come easy
but I keep on waiting
anticipating for that soft voice
to talk to me at night
for some tender arms to hold me tight
i keep waiting, till that day
but it ain't easy
no you know it ain't easy
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
yesterday
all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though they're here to stay
oh i believe in yesterday
yesterday
love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh i believe in yesterday
I went off @
2:53 PM
all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as though they're here to stay
oh i believe in yesterday
yesterday
love was such an easy game to play
now i need a place to hide away
oh i believe in yesterday
plagued by temptations...
what if the forbidden fruit has worms...
fyp induced headache starting again...
cup noodles are addictive...
I went off @
1:18 PM
what if the forbidden fruit has worms...
fyp induced headache starting again...
cup noodles are addictive...
I dreamed a dream... of monsters and dragons and the fire in my heart. I dreamed a dream of all my fears and poisons and of things I wish would never come. I wish for you to be happy, with someone whose name and face I'd never want to see. I wish I never knew anything about her. Why did I have to know in the first place. Even before we were two, even before you were one. The very name, the very passions, the very facts and faces and figures are holding on to the veins in my heart and pinching them. They scream so loud and lose all their senses and exaggerate their pain.
All my twenty three years I've wished I would meet you, and I did, but I wish I never knew her...
I went off @
8:01 AM
All my twenty three years I've wished I would meet you, and I did, but I wish I never knew her...
Monday, March 15, 2010
deep in my pocket
i miss you
but there they shall stay
and take their
two teaspoons of tears a day
I went off @
1:47 PM
i miss you
but there they shall stay
and take their
two teaspoons of tears a day
A lot of work, a lot of heart, to try and look like how I used to. 2007 was great but even now 2009 looks better. Way better. Can I ever get it back?
I went off @
10:08 AM
Madness in March. I hope this will go down in history as the worst March of my life. I must not make the same mistakes again.
I went off @
9:58 AM
One right decision I made was to go for the german test today. It was manageable and rather fun :) Tired and uncomfortable as I am, I have to make my fyp editing another triumph for today. Every little thing done is like a thousand steps up a mountain. Being alone in hall really really sucks. I have been too lucky and too pampered the last couple of years. yr, hq, wx, cindy, feiyong, ex-roomie I miss you all. Can't stand the feeling of not being able to talk to a good friend when I come back to hall. Sigh, spoilt!
when you get used to carrying a backpack, carrying a slingbag is excruciatingly heavy and painful...
I went off @
5:15 AM
when you get used to carrying a backpack, carrying a slingbag is excruciatingly heavy and painful...
Wrong decisions, when will I ever stop making them. Even simple decisions like food, I get it all wrong. I act on impulse, I don't consider consequences clearly enough. Sometimes I am amazed that with all the knowledge I have, how stupid I can be. It's like something else is ruling my actions.
Tired and giddy like hell cos the 6-hour light-on sleep wasn't really a sleep at all, and I still went ahead to shop at JP for the whole afternoon. Rationalized that an afternoon nap would be a waste of time and wouldn't help anyway, but I'm having doubts about my rationalization. Going shopping just reminded me of the fact that I don't have money. Try hard as I do to save by scrimping sometimes, each dollar painstakingly saved can just fly away with a gust of wind when eating out, clubbing, overpaying for presents, and yeah I can't think of anything else I spend on. I don't even have money to spend on new clothes to expand my wardrobe, where many things don't fit right anymore. Just a point to remember, I don't want any tom dick or harry to be coerced to share my birthday present next time, cos I don't want to feel obligated to share theirs. Especially when the people in charge spend frivolously and carelessly and waste my hard-saved money.
It's my own laziness and lack of resourcefulness that led to this situation. I tried tuition in the past but there were some times that I absolutely hated it. Like total dread. And even after asking around couldn't find part time jobs, and I'm not poor enough to go fast food restaurants etc. It would be ok if all your friends around you were in the same situation, but all of them have an edge. Some receive enormous amounts of money, some have bursary, some have old savings from young, some have people to pay for them. It's a challenge to hang around people when you have to reject outings, reject sharing presents, reject holidays. Most of the time I don't bother to be thrifty, cos the paltry dollars saved would be gone in a flash anyway when I have to pay for something.
It's a conflict between the type of lifestyle I had when I was working and when I'm not. And hopefully after I graduate, there wouldn't be a conflict anymore.
I went off @
4:46 AM
Tired and giddy like hell cos the 6-hour light-on sleep wasn't really a sleep at all, and I still went ahead to shop at JP for the whole afternoon. Rationalized that an afternoon nap would be a waste of time and wouldn't help anyway, but I'm having doubts about my rationalization. Going shopping just reminded me of the fact that I don't have money. Try hard as I do to save by scrimping sometimes, each dollar painstakingly saved can just fly away with a gust of wind when eating out, clubbing, overpaying for presents, and yeah I can't think of anything else I spend on. I don't even have money to spend on new clothes to expand my wardrobe, where many things don't fit right anymore. Just a point to remember, I don't want any tom dick or harry to be coerced to share my birthday present next time, cos I don't want to feel obligated to share theirs. Especially when the people in charge spend frivolously and carelessly and waste my hard-saved money.
It's my own laziness and lack of resourcefulness that led to this situation. I tried tuition in the past but there were some times that I absolutely hated it. Like total dread. And even after asking around couldn't find part time jobs, and I'm not poor enough to go fast food restaurants etc. It would be ok if all your friends around you were in the same situation, but all of them have an edge. Some receive enormous amounts of money, some have bursary, some have old savings from young, some have people to pay for them. It's a challenge to hang around people when you have to reject outings, reject sharing presents, reject holidays. Most of the time I don't bother to be thrifty, cos the paltry dollars saved would be gone in a flash anyway when I have to pay for something.
It's a conflict between the type of lifestyle I had when I was working and when I'm not. And hopefully after I graduate, there wouldn't be a conflict anymore.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
So that was breakup five hundred and fifty-three. It gets easier I must admit. It hurts no doubt, but I DON'T wish it never happened, time and again. After so many rounds in front of the firing squad, I've learned, I know. There's nothing I can do. It matters not how nice I try to be, how true my feelings are, how sure I am. You don't, you don't and you don't. It's all over, no matter what else my instincts tell me, how deluded I want to be, the fact is that things just turned out this way. For reasons that were beyond my control, that were not my fault at all, you don't... timing can be so cruel sometimes, the very song that I least wanted to hear played on my home radio today, and I didn't want to kick up a big fuss and turn it off, so I faintly heard 'promise me, you'll wait for me, cos I'll be saving all my love for you, and I'll be home, I'll be home soon...'
and life goes on...
I went off @
5:19 AM
and life goes on...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
i used to love rainy days and saturdays...
I went off @
12:47 AM
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Here's my simplified breakdown of the hierarchy of needs thing:
safety
shelter
sustenance
sex
family
friendship
intimate relationship
intellectual stimulation
self-improvement
It's an attempt to figure out what the hell is wrong with my life. My friend called it 'hall depression'. She said she had been through the same symptoms as me when she was still living in hall back in year two. She was disinterested in school, holed up in the tiny room all day, tired of seeing the same people all day (half of which she didn't like), alone, friendless and stuck on the computer all day. Safety and sustenance we can meet, sex, family, friendship and intimate relationships are letdowns, leading to a lack of motivation in intellectual stimulation. Yet the mind is too hung up on self-improvement. But without fulfilling the many layers before that how can that end be achieved? It only leads to further depression. You see I needed a theory to explain my failure behavior, the cooping up inside all day, the refusal to do proper work, the very very scary looking forward to eating everyday, and the overeating of junk food everyday. It's literally like eating food is the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that can please my soul. So we decided that I need to go out more often, go out with friends I really like. It sure looks like friendship is easier to work on than family and intimate relationships. So I'm going out to cut hair and shop in the afternoon and hit the town tomorrow night. I still have no intention and no idea of how to motivate my neurons to work on my assignments, but perhaps if I just tried to make myself a little happier, get out a bit, it would work out. Eventually. I should calm down cos no matter what I will rush stuff out in the end. Or else I wouldn't be able to graduate. And I want to.
I went off @
11:29 AM
safety
shelter
sustenance
sex
family
friendship
intimate relationship
intellectual stimulation
self-improvement
It's an attempt to figure out what the hell is wrong with my life. My friend called it 'hall depression'. She said she had been through the same symptoms as me when she was still living in hall back in year two. She was disinterested in school, holed up in the tiny room all day, tired of seeing the same people all day (half of which she didn't like), alone, friendless and stuck on the computer all day. Safety and sustenance we can meet, sex, family, friendship and intimate relationships are letdowns, leading to a lack of motivation in intellectual stimulation. Yet the mind is too hung up on self-improvement. But without fulfilling the many layers before that how can that end be achieved? It only leads to further depression. You see I needed a theory to explain my failure behavior, the cooping up inside all day, the refusal to do proper work, the very very scary looking forward to eating everyday, and the overeating of junk food everyday. It's literally like eating food is the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that can please my soul. So we decided that I need to go out more often, go out with friends I really like. It sure looks like friendship is easier to work on than family and intimate relationships. So I'm going out to cut hair and shop in the afternoon and hit the town tomorrow night. I still have no intention and no idea of how to motivate my neurons to work on my assignments, but perhaps if I just tried to make myself a little happier, get out a bit, it would work out. Eventually. I should calm down cos no matter what I will rush stuff out in the end. Or else I wouldn't be able to graduate. And I want to.
I was recently tagged in some old photos on fb. Of being a senior to a group of people in orientation camp 2 years ago. Where I was thought I was friendly and enthusiastic but judging by their behavior, they didn't think so. Of being an equally enthusiastic senior to a different group of people a year later, they were nicer, but ultimately my bad attitude cost me their respect as well. Third time lucky? They all have something in common. I thought I was being nice and good but these people didn't reciprocate and disliked me in the end. Sometimes it was of my own doing, like the last time. Sometimes, like the first two, I still don't understand. Maybe it's some little aspect of me they found irritating and unlikeable. Maybe we just couldn't write on the same page. Still they were all similar, I put in much effort but ended up discarded.
Now not all my relationships with people turn out that way. I have friends who beyond the odds appreciated me for who I am. Are those people who turned me away the short-sighted ones, merely incompatible, or is there a part of me that attracts such behavior?
thoughts...
I went off @
7:37 AM
Now not all my relationships with people turn out that way. I have friends who beyond the odds appreciated me for who I am. Are those people who turned me away the short-sighted ones, merely incompatible, or is there a part of me that attracts such behavior?
thoughts...
I must admit the JN infidelity saga captured my attention. I'm not so much interested in the sordid details of their disgusting may-december car sex, but as usual, the inability of these men to stay faithful. Ever since we first saw the news on someone else's TNP frontpage, everyone has had one or two sentences to say about it. Of course most people express disgust but one guy said candidly 'when men have money that's what happens'. I have no right to judge his character and he sure is a nice friend.
BUT I went online and came across some very disappointing comments on the ST feedback responses. I'm sure ST already screens out the more vulgar and bengish comments so those that I read are already the relatively cleaner ones. I wouldn't want to venture into the beng enclaves like HWZ where I'm sure the jerks would happily be spewing that it's their right to cheat. Of course there are a variety of opinions, 1. how could he! 2. it takes 2 hands to clap. 3. let's forgive him he's human. 4. he's a man and we have urges (winks)
Yes there are people (presumably cheating men or their unfortunate wives) who believe that having affairs is acceptable and 'everyone does it'. They go into details of doing it overseas so they wouldn't get caught and that as long as they are responsible to their families, it's ok. Someone teach them that responsibility does not only encompass financial and 'face' issues but also love and trust. Someone also told me that his army superiors regularly visit prostitutes when they go for exercises in thailand or taiwan etc. He said these seemingly responsible family men claim that they really love their wife and children. Maybe I could believe that they do, but the whole scenario is still horrifying. I would never want to be a victim of this.
Some say that in some cases, the men are not merely lustful bastards; some are genuinely unhappy in the marriage and perhaps, their wives have lost all sex drive years ago. Yet some others claim that maybe this is how the human race has evolved. The powerful successful talented men simply have more testosterone and it is nature's responsibility to urge him to sow his wonderful seed. Actually, I have long wondered what makes marriages work and if it still is a relevant institution.
For the first scenario, men who are really unhappy in their marriages --> start an emotional/lustful relationship with someone else. The problem with that I think, is that asian societies frown on divorce and the money, housing and kid matters make it all too complicated to utter the D word. If divorce were a more plausible option, they could have gone for it and he is free to search on for a new love, or if he is jaded, sex. But since relationships can change so drastically (from tilldeathdouspart to feelingsfaded), isn't getting married a flaw in itself? Why promise forever when it's well known that feelings can change? Besides being an emotional jail, it is a hotbed of convenience. The man may not want to get divorced in some cases, he may want the facade of happines and stability. And he can have that from eating outside marriage and hope not to get caught.
Second, the man who claims to still love his wife and children very much and just can't control his whateveryoucallit --> prostitutes/lustful relationships. If so many men cannot control their urges, then isn't monogamy (which is mandatory in a marriage vow) an unrealistic notion? And how much does love actually have to play in a relationship if the men are telling the truth that they really love their wives. Maybe love is not the most powerful detriment to having sex outside marriage over good old common sense, responsibility, consideration, honesty.
If I ever get married, you bet those values will be the first I look out for. Even when, I wonder if M is necessary and wouldn't rule out D :D
I went off @
6:00 AM
BUT I went online and came across some very disappointing comments on the ST feedback responses. I'm sure ST already screens out the more vulgar and bengish comments so those that I read are already the relatively cleaner ones. I wouldn't want to venture into the beng enclaves like HWZ where I'm sure the jerks would happily be spewing that it's their right to cheat. Of course there are a variety of opinions, 1. how could he! 2. it takes 2 hands to clap. 3. let's forgive him he's human. 4. he's a man and we have urges (winks)
Yes there are people (presumably cheating men or their unfortunate wives) who believe that having affairs is acceptable and 'everyone does it'. They go into details of doing it overseas so they wouldn't get caught and that as long as they are responsible to their families, it's ok. Someone teach them that responsibility does not only encompass financial and 'face' issues but also love and trust. Someone also told me that his army superiors regularly visit prostitutes when they go for exercises in thailand or taiwan etc. He said these seemingly responsible family men claim that they really love their wife and children. Maybe I could believe that they do, but the whole scenario is still horrifying. I would never want to be a victim of this.
Some say that in some cases, the men are not merely lustful bastards; some are genuinely unhappy in the marriage and perhaps, their wives have lost all sex drive years ago. Yet some others claim that maybe this is how the human race has evolved. The powerful successful talented men simply have more testosterone and it is nature's responsibility to urge him to sow his wonderful seed. Actually, I have long wondered what makes marriages work and if it still is a relevant institution.
For the first scenario, men who are really unhappy in their marriages --> start an emotional/lustful relationship with someone else. The problem with that I think, is that asian societies frown on divorce and the money, housing and kid matters make it all too complicated to utter the D word. If divorce were a more plausible option, they could have gone for it and he is free to search on for a new love, or if he is jaded, sex. But since relationships can change so drastically (from tilldeathdouspart to feelingsfaded), isn't getting married a flaw in itself? Why promise forever when it's well known that feelings can change? Besides being an emotional jail, it is a hotbed of convenience. The man may not want to get divorced in some cases, he may want the facade of happines and stability. And he can have that from eating outside marriage and hope not to get caught.
Second, the man who claims to still love his wife and children very much and just can't control his whateveryoucallit --> prostitutes/lustful relationships. If so many men cannot control their urges, then isn't monogamy (which is mandatory in a marriage vow) an unrealistic notion? And how much does love actually have to play in a relationship if the men are telling the truth that they really love their wives. Maybe love is not the most powerful detriment to having sex outside marriage over good old common sense, responsibility, consideration, honesty.
If I ever get married, you bet those values will be the first I look out for. Even when, I wonder if M is necessary and wouldn't rule out D :D
I just went out to the toilet and the freaking corridor smells literally, like shit. Faeces, defecation, yes SHIT. And just because I wasn't downing huge amounts of water non-stop in the afternoon, I have mild urinary tract infection already. It's that easy. Sigh. FML.
I went off @
4:04 AM
It was a rare tuesday, my free day which for once wasn't robbed away by fyp meeting. I slept at 4am and woke up at 9am. Why? The drilling was so loud that it woke me up. Couldn't get back to sleep until it stopped, and the next time I woke up after the second time of falling asleep, it was 3pm. FML.
It's 930am lecture tomorrow and I have no hope of myself waking up for it anymore. In a very very bad and uninspired mood now.
I went off @
3:54 AM
It's 930am lecture tomorrow and I have no hope of myself waking up for it anymore. In a very very bad and uninspired mood now.
Monday, March 8, 2010
addicted to sex and the city
addicted to not doing work
addicted to finding food
addicted to eating
hungry all day, don't know why. stressed?
felt good to visit cindy at her place today though :)
I went off @
10:55 AM
addicted to not doing work
addicted to finding food
addicted to eating
hungry all day, don't know why. stressed?
felt good to visit cindy at her place today though :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Had a tiring but fulfilling weekend.
Weird tempest training on saturday. I came in late and it was just sooo quiet. I suspect its simply the absence of grace = quiet. The whole thing felt rather lethargic and draggy, and I guess this is how important grace is to tempest! haha! I was as usual, tired and not up to standard, like all previous valhall trainings. It's all in the mind, I know. What can I say, I just don't like that place, and we have ntu courts for the next month :)))
Had to make my way to tampines after training and I rightly, smartly refused to take the most convenient option, 10 or 31. Though I chide myself for being childish and dramatic for doing so, it's better to be safe than sorry. Already I couldn't stop the little ripples prancing across my bed of emotions. While walking out to the bus stop myself, I was hit by a thought: to be less selfish. No matter who did what and when and why, just be less selfish at any point in time you remember to. After a bout of thinking the bus number 11 to kallang mrt came, was a rather long wait but mrt within the east is just really quick. So I was early for my appointment with meiyin (30 mins late), god forbid! hahah.. had a rather challenging but consequently fun search for presents for cheryl's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVIL TWIN! hahah..
Ok so I had no time to go home to shower and went to the post ivp gathering in my very recognizable (you didn't change!) red top, only to change to a pink one just in time for photos :) Haha I love barbecues most of the time, especially when you arrive as the food's being churned out at a steady rate. I mean, you do feel a bit bad for slacking, but what's there to worry about when there's so many more qualified people cooking for you, haha.. ok I felt I needed to help in the end but it was really, how shall I put it, unnecessary and a waste of khai and eunice's time :p The only barbecues I don't really like are those with not enough food, man that is tragic. Last night's one was great :) Don't know who else was cooking, but I love eunice, yips, khai's penggang-ing heh. And though it was really way too long after our triumph to talk about it, I did get a warm, proud feeling in my heart hearing about everything again. Especially warm and proud to have personal efforts and change recognized, and that's something all players want, so I'm really really lucky and I cherish it :) Though we didn't spend that much time together, though the attendance was so dismal at times, it ended in a night I truly enjoyed, cos of the company of each and every one of us. Bonded in victory, haha.
Couldn't get to sleep early enough that night, too excited about the 3 on 3 the next day. But well I didn't really need the energy anyway, the games were way too short, and I had to stay as last man most of the time so I didn't really sweat after 3 games haha. It was a very depressing 3 on 3 for my standards I must admit. It's my first time not getting a medal for 3 on 3, and as a whole we all couldn't perform, so that's that... I got over it pretty soon. Haha cheryl lucky your birthday fell on this day, giving us an excuse to go have a nice lunch at astons! yum! So very full, especially after the ice cream cake from swensens and 30 cents ice water. I didn't mind trying ice-cream cake cos the last time I had it was probably like 15 years ago, hmm but it isn't something I'd choose for myself. It's essentially just ice-cream, and the syrup on top is way too sweet. Much like mud pies from places like nydc, I couldn't really understand the appeal, and the price. It's just chocolate, coffee ice-cream on some crust and syrup. I much prefer cheesecakes; if I want ice-cream, I like complicated and fun-filled stuff like bnj. Aw I remember how we used to gorge down bnj bought from the nearby petrol kiosk together. A very sweet memory, but I'm not at the stage whereby I can think about it and just. smile.
Anyway I've been craving for salty, junky stuff ever since like 3 hours after that heavy dinner. It must have been too sweet.
It was such a tiring day, being out since morning, and generally being out the whole day, last few hours spent walking to and from suntec. I came out a wrong escalator from the basement and was as usual, left stoned and speechless by that area of suntec. Lucky I had someone to talk to about it, let it out abit.. i love you sister umustgetoverit eunice! And after a crowdeddd, pushy, smelly, steppedonmytoes train ride back, cranky me was so ready to just lounge away on my beanbag and watch videos for the rest of the day. I was in such an indulgent mood that I turned on the aircon before going for a shower, haha, and that's something I never do. So I've been having a comfortable, albeit weird last few hours. I fell asleep with the light on, ignored some knock on my door, then I woke up again.
So that was the last recess week of my undergraduate life :) No one in their right mind would say that they are happy to go back to classes, especially not when they have a few assignments and deadlines to meet, including fyp. But this time, I'm gonna push myself to finish those last bits with enthusiasm, cos it's the last chance I have to do this kinda thing, in this kinda place.. then I'll be free :)
I went off @
8:31 AM
Weird tempest training on saturday. I came in late and it was just sooo quiet. I suspect its simply the absence of grace = quiet. The whole thing felt rather lethargic and draggy, and I guess this is how important grace is to tempest! haha! I was as usual, tired and not up to standard, like all previous valhall trainings. It's all in the mind, I know. What can I say, I just don't like that place, and we have ntu courts for the next month :)))
Had to make my way to tampines after training and I rightly, smartly refused to take the most convenient option, 10 or 31. Though I chide myself for being childish and dramatic for doing so, it's better to be safe than sorry. Already I couldn't stop the little ripples prancing across my bed of emotions. While walking out to the bus stop myself, I was hit by a thought: to be less selfish. No matter who did what and when and why, just be less selfish at any point in time you remember to. After a bout of thinking the bus number 11 to kallang mrt came, was a rather long wait but mrt within the east is just really quick. So I was early for my appointment with meiyin (30 mins late), god forbid! hahah.. had a rather challenging but consequently fun search for presents for cheryl's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVIL TWIN! hahah..
Ok so I had no time to go home to shower and went to the post ivp gathering in my very recognizable (you didn't change!) red top, only to change to a pink one just in time for photos :) Haha I love barbecues most of the time, especially when you arrive as the food's being churned out at a steady rate. I mean, you do feel a bit bad for slacking, but what's there to worry about when there's so many more qualified people cooking for you, haha.. ok I felt I needed to help in the end but it was really, how shall I put it, unnecessary and a waste of khai and eunice's time :p The only barbecues I don't really like are those with not enough food, man that is tragic. Last night's one was great :) Don't know who else was cooking, but I love eunice, yips, khai's penggang-ing heh. And though it was really way too long after our triumph to talk about it, I did get a warm, proud feeling in my heart hearing about everything again. Especially warm and proud to have personal efforts and change recognized, and that's something all players want, so I'm really really lucky and I cherish it :) Though we didn't spend that much time together, though the attendance was so dismal at times, it ended in a night I truly enjoyed, cos of the company of each and every one of us. Bonded in victory, haha.
Couldn't get to sleep early enough that night, too excited about the 3 on 3 the next day. But well I didn't really need the energy anyway, the games were way too short, and I had to stay as last man most of the time so I didn't really sweat after 3 games haha. It was a very depressing 3 on 3 for my standards I must admit. It's my first time not getting a medal for 3 on 3, and as a whole we all couldn't perform, so that's that... I got over it pretty soon. Haha cheryl lucky your birthday fell on this day, giving us an excuse to go have a nice lunch at astons! yum! So very full, especially after the ice cream cake from swensens and 30 cents ice water. I didn't mind trying ice-cream cake cos the last time I had it was probably like 15 years ago, hmm but it isn't something I'd choose for myself. It's essentially just ice-cream, and the syrup on top is way too sweet. Much like mud pies from places like nydc, I couldn't really understand the appeal, and the price. It's just chocolate, coffee ice-cream on some crust and syrup. I much prefer cheesecakes; if I want ice-cream, I like complicated and fun-filled stuff like bnj. Aw I remember how we used to gorge down bnj bought from the nearby petrol kiosk together. A very sweet memory, but I'm not at the stage whereby I can think about it and just. smile.
Anyway I've been craving for salty, junky stuff ever since like 3 hours after that heavy dinner. It must have been too sweet.
It was such a tiring day, being out since morning, and generally being out the whole day, last few hours spent walking to and from suntec. I came out a wrong escalator from the basement and was as usual, left stoned and speechless by that area of suntec. Lucky I had someone to talk to about it, let it out abit.. i love you sister umustgetoverit eunice! And after a crowdeddd, pushy, smelly, steppedonmytoes train ride back, cranky me was so ready to just lounge away on my beanbag and watch videos for the rest of the day. I was in such an indulgent mood that I turned on the aircon before going for a shower, haha, and that's something I never do. So I've been having a comfortable, albeit weird last few hours. I fell asleep with the light on, ignored some knock on my door, then I woke up again.
So that was the last recess week of my undergraduate life :) No one in their right mind would say that they are happy to go back to classes, especially not when they have a few assignments and deadlines to meet, including fyp. But this time, I'm gonna push myself to finish those last bits with enthusiasm, cos it's the last chance I have to do this kinda thing, in this kinda place.. then I'll be free :)
Friday, March 5, 2010
sleeping at 5 and waking at 3.
aircon room.
sitting on my beanbag and watching videos/chatting/schoolwork all day.
watching videos and eating jap food takeaway atop my dustbin.
cup noodles at 2am.
bathing at 4am with the whole bathroom to myself at last.
cutting nails in the corridor on the ledge.
resisting that last can of beer sitting in my fridge.
good old comfortable bed.
Amidst the construction noise going on all day, despite that niggling fear of being alone, I think I have just fallen in love with solitary hall life, all over again.
That freedom, that nonchalance of the consequences of getting fat, of wasting time, of being messy. I could just grab you and kiss you, freedom.
I'm so glad I made the choice to stay in hall tonight, reason being to get work done, I did, and more.
Though I've to shift back home in a couple of months, it'll be temporary; this lifestyle is something I'll always seek.
I went off @
12:03 PM
aircon room.
sitting on my beanbag and watching videos/chatting/schoolwork all day.
watching videos and eating jap food takeaway atop my dustbin.
cup noodles at 2am.
bathing at 4am with the whole bathroom to myself at last.
cutting nails in the corridor on the ledge.
resisting that last can of beer sitting in my fridge.
good old comfortable bed.
Amidst the construction noise going on all day, despite that niggling fear of being alone, I think I have just fallen in love with solitary hall life, all over again.
That freedom, that nonchalance of the consequences of getting fat, of wasting time, of being messy. I could just grab you and kiss you, freedom.
I'm so glad I made the choice to stay in hall tonight, reason being to get work done, I did, and more.
Though I've to shift back home in a couple of months, it'll be temporary; this lifestyle is something I'll always seek.
Hahaha omg I'm freaking pathetic it's funny. Was doing alright today, getting some work done. And then BOOM this song started playing on the radio. And like a drama queen I grabbed the control and starting holding down the volume down button, tears running out of my eyes, my face smiling in agony.
Cue piano keys.
'you light up another cigarette and I pour the wine...'
I went off @
8:46 AM
Cue piano keys.
'you light up another cigarette and I pour the wine...'
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I'm addicted to aircon in my tiny hall room! It's true that its getting mighty hot these days, but my threshold for it has decreased due to the reasonably cheap option of cooling down my room with a mere 20 cents per hour. My 10 dollar prepaid card has been lasting well, I've only used 5 bucks after more than a couple of weeks. Cos I can't exactly sleep with the aircon on, my nose will get all itchy and blocked, and even while I'm awake, I'll get too cold even with 24 degrees and low fan, so I'll turn the aircon off after an hour or so. Economically and environmentally friendly :)
My email was bombarded with 10 plus tempest emails discussing whether we should have training with like 10 people on saturday. Hafta admit that I was pretty disappointed that training wasn't canceled. I don't know if it's the inconvenience of carrying my stickbag and shoebag from one end of Singapore to the other on the mrt, or just a general loss of interest in floorball. Have been feeling different about floorball ever since our ivp triumph. Maybe it's the lack of intensive trainings, maybe its the loss of form, maybe its the (gasp) loss of interest in something after I've attained the biggest prize at tertiary level. I have dreams of improving further, but my dismal performance and attitude at the recent ihg have temporarily dampened thoughts about the matter. Urgh, but skipping training is not an option so I'll have to go for it and do the best I can, while I can. After all, gonna have to start work soon and then, there'll be no choice but to let floorball take the backseat.
The 3 on 3 competition on sunday is a good time for me to just enjoy floorball as it is and have fun with it, and I finally get to play with 2 players I admire but have no chance to play with! :) And I know that as long as we relax and perform, we'll do pretty darn well.
I went off @
1:48 PM
My email was bombarded with 10 plus tempest emails discussing whether we should have training with like 10 people on saturday. Hafta admit that I was pretty disappointed that training wasn't canceled. I don't know if it's the inconvenience of carrying my stickbag and shoebag from one end of Singapore to the other on the mrt, or just a general loss of interest in floorball. Have been feeling different about floorball ever since our ivp triumph. Maybe it's the lack of intensive trainings, maybe its the loss of form, maybe its the (gasp) loss of interest in something after I've attained the biggest prize at tertiary level. I have dreams of improving further, but my dismal performance and attitude at the recent ihg have temporarily dampened thoughts about the matter. Urgh, but skipping training is not an option so I'll have to go for it and do the best I can, while I can. After all, gonna have to start work soon and then, there'll be no choice but to let floorball take the backseat.
The 3 on 3 competition on sunday is a good time for me to just enjoy floorball as it is and have fun with it, and I finally get to play with 2 players I admire but have no chance to play with! :) And I know that as long as we relax and perform, we'll do pretty darn well.
So I feel all alone and scared when there's physically no one around me, no one to talk to. But hey why didn't I realise the mass sms 'console group' option? haha! Even when there's no one to message at 3 in the morning, the many replies you would have garnered had you sent out a complaint in the afternoon would have been enough to tide you over :) All you need is a little thicker skin.
I hope I don't get that sad to have to send such stuff though. Thank you sister meiii for talking to me just now :) I have been so blinded and clouded by my emotions that it was really necessary for you to tell me facts to my face. Also the encouragement for me to be stronger, to stand up on my own two feet and live by myself. If others can do it so can I. And for my lack of discipline, your succinct advice, 'for your own health and heart'. Forget how much you want to help, forget how uneasy it makes you, it's not worth it and would probably backfire, so just take care of your own life. Oh and remember the bad karma accumulated. Thanks for the greattt reminders :)
"No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."
Carrie Bradshaw
I went off @
11:51 AM
I hope I don't get that sad to have to send such stuff though. Thank you sister meiii for talking to me just now :) I have been so blinded and clouded by my emotions that it was really necessary for you to tell me facts to my face. Also the encouragement for me to be stronger, to stand up on my own two feet and live by myself. If others can do it so can I. And for my lack of discipline, your succinct advice, 'for your own health and heart'. Forget how much you want to help, forget how uneasy it makes you, it's not worth it and would probably backfire, so just take care of your own life. Oh and remember the bad karma accumulated. Thanks for the greattt reminders :)
"No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."
Carrie Bradshaw
I'm the optimistic hypocrite. I'm filled with hope and passion. Which undoubtedly gets clouded by realism and pessimism at times. Stay optimistic. But drop the hypocrisy, stop doing things that you know would get you hurt, start picking up and cleaning up your life if you want the best for others too.
It's a perennial night in my world now, it's very very cold and very very bleak. I'm so afraid, shivering in the snow without a jacket, all alone. I might be going crazy. I can't get over it, I can't. I'm so afraid of the future. Yet I'm hopeful. No matter what the sun will rise again. I won't be cold forever.
I went off @
8:43 AM
It's a perennial night in my world now, it's very very cold and very very bleak. I'm so afraid, shivering in the snow without a jacket, all alone. I might be going crazy. I can't get over it, I can't. I'm so afraid of the future. Yet I'm hopeful. No matter what the sun will rise again. I won't be cold forever.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
February is such a short month. Just a couple of days shorter than normal, but it's so unexpected when it suddenly is already March 2010. It reminded me of the past 4 years in hall that passed in a flash..
Being at the bus stop this afternoon, waiting for 199, reminded me of the first day I came to hall 13. I didn't know 199 was the correct bus to take, so I took 179 and walked in from can A. The well-trodden steps along NIE, opposite hall 16, which was all so foreign to me then. Spent some time searching for the hall office and seminar room cos I came in from the top of the hall. I remember it was raining, and a senior took me to my room from the hall office using a sheltered route. Hall was truly one big maze when I first shifted in, the joinings between the blocks were so confusing, and you never knew which corridor would lead to a dead end. That day, I caught a glimpse of my old room, and didn't dwindle long, but I can remember the feeling in my heart; excitement, freedom, fun.
Yesterday, someone asked which year of our hall stay was the most fun. With a little thought, I said year one. Years two and three were more filled with friends, but with regard to hall activities, definitely year one. The subsequent years were too clouded with sadness, inability to carry out duties responsibly, and peoples' resultant loss of respect for me.
I thought that getting out of my room for awhile would be good, instead, going out caused me to get even sadder as I was reminded of more and more things. I kept thinking of the harmful situations that played out between us, I let the hurt wash over me again. I had little control and nothing to distract me as I walked along the shopping mall like a zombie. Here in my room, even if I can't do no real work, I can type, I can watch videos, I can talk to people, I can cry openly.
I went off @
2:20 AM
Being at the bus stop this afternoon, waiting for 199, reminded me of the first day I came to hall 13. I didn't know 199 was the correct bus to take, so I took 179 and walked in from can A. The well-trodden steps along NIE, opposite hall 16, which was all so foreign to me then. Spent some time searching for the hall office and seminar room cos I came in from the top of the hall. I remember it was raining, and a senior took me to my room from the hall office using a sheltered route. Hall was truly one big maze when I first shifted in, the joinings between the blocks were so confusing, and you never knew which corridor would lead to a dead end. That day, I caught a glimpse of my old room, and didn't dwindle long, but I can remember the feeling in my heart; excitement, freedom, fun.
Yesterday, someone asked which year of our hall stay was the most fun. With a little thought, I said year one. Years two and three were more filled with friends, but with regard to hall activities, definitely year one. The subsequent years were too clouded with sadness, inability to carry out duties responsibly, and peoples' resultant loss of respect for me.
I thought that getting out of my room for awhile would be good, instead, going out caused me to get even sadder as I was reminded of more and more things. I kept thinking of the harmful situations that played out between us, I let the hurt wash over me again. I had little control and nothing to distract me as I walked along the shopping mall like a zombie. Here in my room, even if I can't do no real work, I can type, I can watch videos, I can talk to people, I can cry openly.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Actually, I'm quite proud of my academic brain. Faced with a heartbreaking situation, I managed to come up with scenario after scenario of possible explanations. Psychological, social, communicative, physical reasons. Hey all of them are actually plausible, some of them are probably true. But it doesn't change anything, it doesn't provide a definitive answer, it doesn't explain why. That's why there isn't a field of studies called 'lovology', cos logy means to study and there's simply no logic to love. A + B doesn't equal C, one word can take on several meanings at different points in time, correlations and causations can't ever be accurately predicted. The only thing you can learn from it, is simply that it has no sense, the more you think about it logically, the more you'll get hurt, cos all the cards are stacked up against you. They read, 'you suck, you're lousy, you're bad'. But nonono that's not true. Love is simply illogical, and unfair. Suck it up.
I went off @
11:28 PM
It's time, to fold love and concern a hundred times over, into a tiny piece of paper, and keep it deep into my breast pocket. I'll never know why it was so easy, but the pieces that I gave out, have been unblinkingly and resolutely thrown away. Forgotten, replaced. No amount of tears should cloud my view of the person standing in front of me.
there are no answers
there's nothing i can do
I went off @
11:15 PM
there are no answers
there's nothing i can do
Dinner at marine parade promenade with my family on sunday night, after our disastrous ihg floorball triumph. The marine parade area is a trip down memory lane, of days that went by so long ago, of being in vj, of being happy. I can't believe I left the marine parade area 5 years ago, now only occasionally passing or going to parkway. I feel that I haven't had enough of it, yet its all over.
And with my mum asking the exact date I'm shifting back from hall, I'm confronted with the closure of yet another chapter in my life. Though I'm not that happy in hall anymore, the university and hall experience was honestly a very enriching, life changing one. One that, minus my own problems, I truly enjoyed and cherish. And I can foresee that it's gonna take very long and be very tough to get used to life away from hall and uni.
That's what grad trips are for eh, to put off reality, to cover the ache, to prolong the fun. Grad trip feels like a must do, and reading through my vietnam writeup (even one rushed out for schoolwork).. I savor the traveling experience greatly. But I've never been able to save up enough money without internship, and there are no mates I can find.
I went off @
10:58 PM
And with my mum asking the exact date I'm shifting back from hall, I'm confronted with the closure of yet another chapter in my life. Though I'm not that happy in hall anymore, the university and hall experience was honestly a very enriching, life changing one. One that, minus my own problems, I truly enjoyed and cherish. And I can foresee that it's gonna take very long and be very tough to get used to life away from hall and uni.
That's what grad trips are for eh, to put off reality, to cover the ache, to prolong the fun. Grad trip feels like a must do, and reading through my vietnam writeup (even one rushed out for schoolwork).. I savor the traveling experience greatly. But I've never been able to save up enough money without internship, and there are no mates I can find.