why study history?
in this case, because it reminded me of how much more awful certain periods of my life were, and how i should be more appreciative of my life now. the daily scoldings are a thing of the past, for now. now that's something to be grateful for. the poverty also a thing of the past, though this reminds me to be more thrifty and not to overdo things. everyone has to work, and it seems less than half of us actually love our jobs.
what's there to be done except to continue doing your best, with a clear conscience, and not forgetting to look after your own health first.
I went off @
8:45 AM
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Been having headaches for the past two days probably due to prolonged exposure to the sun. I normally never get this. It worries me how stressed and fearful and sad I am. The thing is, I really care but they never seem to believe it. I would have sacrificed just that bit and showed myself, if only I felt an instinct of a tiny tinge of compassion. But no I didn't. To them I'm just a piece of shit on the ground that has the authority somehow to dish out instructions. If the piece of shit tells you it's not feeling well, all the more it will get stepped on, kicked around and laughed at. You destroy my soul. My intention was to go ahead cos I didn't want to miss out and be delayed, but the thought of the torture and the unappreciation and being taken advantage of... I didn't. I am destroyed. I am living in a constant state of sadness and ineptness.
I went off @
8:09 AM
sometimes i feel as though half of my soul has left my body, sucked out by merciless lack of respect and compassion..
slumped into a chair, feeling my spirit evaporating out into the cold stale air...
drained and desperate for a brighter day...
whatever you call it, some magic, an x-factor, good looks, eloquence, humor... everything and anything that would make this path worth taking...
stumbling with eyes half open, trodding on these rocks that pierce my dignity and drain me of my lifeblood... failing to find that magical stone...
depressing... depressing...
you know what, i found that this is really what i love doing... but how can anyone continue to love when every other day all they receive is disrespect and failure and heartbreak and a total fucking unappreciative mass. probably the fault lies with me and not them. that's why it bothers me. maybe that's why i should leave.
I went off @
7:52 AM
slumped into a chair, feeling my spirit evaporating out into the cold stale air...
drained and desperate for a brighter day...
whatever you call it, some magic, an x-factor, good looks, eloquence, humor... everything and anything that would make this path worth taking...
stumbling with eyes half open, trodding on these rocks that pierce my dignity and drain me of my lifeblood... failing to find that magical stone...
depressing... depressing...
you know what, i found that this is really what i love doing... but how can anyone continue to love when every other day all they receive is disrespect and failure and heartbreak and a total fucking unappreciative mass. probably the fault lies with me and not them. that's why it bothers me. maybe that's why i should leave.