Whee the long-awaited ivp trials/training has finally arrived :) I'm finally in my own training, pushing and stretching myself instead of crashing others' :p It was not a bad first trial, although I still don't like games involving catching balls, haha. Still have a mental block against them. The one we played in training is not that bad though since we can run with the ball :)
We were required to run 800m in 3.30 min before the trials started. I only managed 3.58 min. Was a little unwell, so my normal time should be around 3.50 min? Yep now I have something to work towards. I must reach 3.30 min by december. three thirty three thirty three thirty! And go down to practise my stickwork, shots and passes in the afternoons too. Remember not to rest on my laurels like I did before.
The aim is to improve my speed, stamina, tactical sense, and technical skills further. Yes, everything.
I'm reminded in ivp trials that I am not aggressive and stable enough when I have the ball. I don't 'make it mine' enough, remember eddie telling me before too. Change that.
Ok now that I've warmed up the engine for writing, time to do some schoolwork.
I went off @
8:32 AM
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
My mood has been like the weather this august. Bright and sunny with occasional cloudy skies in the day. Then when nighttime falls, deep into the night, when most have closed their doors and snuggled in bed - that's when the winds start howling and the rain starts pouring down.
It has been a happy friday :) I engaged in three enjoyable activities...
1. skipped lecture
2. sun-tanned in sentosa
3. dinnered at JP
It's the third week and I have finally peeled off the liquid paper off the black spots on my body, the pontang spots. Couldn't take not skipping any longer =p Skipped malay on wednesday cos I was very drained and irritated with the teaching style, skipped media law lecture today cos I would have been asleep in it anyway. There's a sort of thrill my mind attaches to skipping stuff.. haha..
Dragged myself out to sun-tanning at 9 plus this morning despite the extremmmmme tiredness, cos well it's a promise made and I knew I could sleep and tan :) Lying down on warm sand, feeling a warm glow from the sun, and feeling the sea breeze really is an enjoyable experience :) Add to that the nice songs from cindy's phone (we have the same taste probably), a blissful day out in the sun :)
Came back to JP to meet alex for dinner after that. My first dinner outside NTU for 3 weeks :) We sat at din tai fung for a very long time considering the queue =p, till they came to ask us if we wanted dessert, told us we could call for the bill etc.. haha.. yami yoghurt after that.. yep original yoghurt and colourful cereal is very nice! And we went to ntuc to do some major stocking up - I now have biscuits and junk in all shapes and sizes (but not much variety it's 75% chocolate), my favourite packet milo, and hoegardennnn! More beery rainy nights to come I think ;)
Really enjoyed dinner at sakae in school with yirui and feidiao on thursday night too. Sudden craving for sushi satisfied :) It's always a good feeling to splurge a bit and have something nice when you feel that life has been hassled and hard.
Was really really good talking to yirui too :)) It's hard to find people whom I can talk about a lot of things to, who understand and can debate about it... I appreciate these friends :) That's all of you in this post including xh cos she wanted to skip lecture too.. hahah.. hurray to like-minded friends! :)
I went off @
6:05 AM
It has been a happy friday :) I engaged in three enjoyable activities...
1. skipped lecture
2. sun-tanned in sentosa
3. dinnered at JP
It's the third week and I have finally peeled off the liquid paper off the black spots on my body, the pontang spots. Couldn't take not skipping any longer =p Skipped malay on wednesday cos I was very drained and irritated with the teaching style, skipped media law lecture today cos I would have been asleep in it anyway. There's a sort of thrill my mind attaches to skipping stuff.. haha..
Dragged myself out to sun-tanning at 9 plus this morning despite the extremmmmme tiredness, cos well it's a promise made and I knew I could sleep and tan :) Lying down on warm sand, feeling a warm glow from the sun, and feeling the sea breeze really is an enjoyable experience :) Add to that the nice songs from cindy's phone (we have the same taste probably), a blissful day out in the sun :)
Came back to JP to meet alex for dinner after that. My first dinner outside NTU for 3 weeks :) We sat at din tai fung for a very long time considering the queue =p, till they came to ask us if we wanted dessert, told us we could call for the bill etc.. haha.. yami yoghurt after that.. yep original yoghurt and colourful cereal is very nice! And we went to ntuc to do some major stocking up - I now have biscuits and junk in all shapes and sizes (but not much variety it's 75% chocolate), my favourite packet milo, and hoegardennnn! More beery rainy nights to come I think ;)
Really enjoyed dinner at sakae in school with yirui and feidiao on thursday night too. Sudden craving for sushi satisfied :) It's always a good feeling to splurge a bit and have something nice when you feel that life has been hassled and hard.
Was really really good talking to yirui too :)) It's hard to find people whom I can talk about a lot of things to, who understand and can debate about it... I appreciate these friends :) That's all of you in this post including xh cos she wanted to skip lecture too.. hahah.. hurray to like-minded friends! :)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
on a mission to treasure my worth... and not let it be defined by what others think of me... by how I am treated by others...
beer and rain and staircase landing is a good combination...
hope to sleep relatively early today... lesson at 3pm tomorrow :)
lots of work to be done, lots to read up on, but I've simply been too tired and distracted to really do work. sem after sem I have excuses for my laziness... tomorrow somehow, I will find the energy and motivation to do my homework and research... if I fail at everything else, at least I've tried in my schoolwork...
floorball trials this saturday and quite worried about it... worried about my low energy levels and bad stamina... sigh...
I went off @
12:22 PM
beer and rain and staircase landing is a good combination...
hope to sleep relatively early today... lesson at 3pm tomorrow :)
lots of work to be done, lots to read up on, but I've simply been too tired and distracted to really do work. sem after sem I have excuses for my laziness... tomorrow somehow, I will find the energy and motivation to do my homework and research... if I fail at everything else, at least I've tried in my schoolwork...
floorball trials this saturday and quite worried about it... worried about my low energy levels and bad stamina... sigh...
Someone asked me why I like rain, why I like to stand and stare into the rain-filled distance...
It rained, a brief session at five in the morning yesterday. Brief, but intense. Cold winds swept raindrops throughout the corridor, making my room such a nice warm place to retreat to. I think one reason I like rain, is for the company it gives me. Instead of surviving on a normal, humid night, I have the patter of raindrops, the movement of raindrops for company. Millions of raindrops falling and falling... I feel as though we are soulmates, as though we have something in common, that we could share our secrets and our lives. To see the projection of raindrops on a streeplamp on the cold white color of the next building. The amplification of the flow of raindrops, the shadows coming and going...
In response to the question someone asked me, I don't know. I don't know why I like rain and love standing around and staring... She thinks its scary of me. That's not new. Since when have I been all sweet and nice and lovable.
Apart from being depressed, this post also seems to me that I'm becoming delusional. Clinically, delusional. Do not be surprised to see me in a straight jacket, if we ever meet again.
I went off @
6:02 AM
It rained, a brief session at five in the morning yesterday. Brief, but intense. Cold winds swept raindrops throughout the corridor, making my room such a nice warm place to retreat to. I think one reason I like rain, is for the company it gives me. Instead of surviving on a normal, humid night, I have the patter of raindrops, the movement of raindrops for company. Millions of raindrops falling and falling... I feel as though we are soulmates, as though we have something in common, that we could share our secrets and our lives. To see the projection of raindrops on a streeplamp on the cold white color of the next building. The amplification of the flow of raindrops, the shadows coming and going...
In response to the question someone asked me, I don't know. I don't know why I like rain and love standing around and staring... She thinks its scary of me. That's not new. Since when have I been all sweet and nice and lovable.
Apart from being depressed, this post also seems to me that I'm becoming delusional. Clinically, delusional. Do not be surprised to see me in a straight jacket, if we ever meet again.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Can't get to sleep when it's time to. Tired throughout all my classes. Unease and discomfort.
I do normally love tuesdays, but today I'm feeling horrible after playing floorball. Trying to get out of the shithole of caring what people think about me. For it's their flawed narrow-minded thinking, it's their loss.
Quite happy that I'm getting used to my new stick :) Shots and control have improved since. Really bad energy levels today though. Just so sleepy, tired, breathless... Just so weak, is it cos of insufficient sleep?
Bought a green ball today to complete my rainbow ball collection :) I do love balls. floorball. softball. stressballs. fishballs. takopachi. mochi. ball donuts. bubble tea pearls. ferrero rocher.
Wow food, something I turn to when I'm sad. It really makes me happy, especially chocolate. I eat chocolate everyday. Sadly.
I dare not retreat to my bed, for I'm scared of what the lack of a distraction will do to me. I'm scared of tomorrow, for I foresee the hurt it will bring.
I went off @
1:46 PM
I do normally love tuesdays, but today I'm feeling horrible after playing floorball. Trying to get out of the shithole of caring what people think about me. For it's their flawed narrow-minded thinking, it's their loss.
Quite happy that I'm getting used to my new stick :) Shots and control have improved since. Really bad energy levels today though. Just so sleepy, tired, breathless... Just so weak, is it cos of insufficient sleep?
Bought a green ball today to complete my rainbow ball collection :) I do love balls. floorball. softball. stressballs. fishballs. takopachi. mochi. ball donuts. bubble tea pearls. ferrero rocher.
Wow food, something I turn to when I'm sad. It really makes me happy, especially chocolate. I eat chocolate everyday. Sadly.
I dare not retreat to my bed, for I'm scared of what the lack of a distraction will do to me. I'm scared of tomorrow, for I foresee the hurt it will bring.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Five a.m. on a cold, windy Monday morning. Someone with a troubled mind stands solitary on the staircase landing, looking out at the stillness around. She feels more than she looks. The wind is frankly chilling, but also exhilarating. It's exciting, to feel so free, so accepting of the cold hard winds. Troubled, but also in control, deep in thought. There were more than a few times that this was an abode for a thoroughly broken heart. Times when something from under was sincerely calling at her to come down. When she felt so powerless that she imagined that something could uproot her from the tiles and send her flying down. Now she feels that she's in control. There is no sneaky something that can pick her off the ground. She's in control of her entire life, what she can achieve, is up to her. If she doesn't live up to her potential, she controlled it. If she wants something, despite her handicaps, she is in control of how far she can go. But there is something she can't control.
What attracts you to someone? Looks, the way a person talks, the things a person likes, the things a person can do, the things a person can talk about, the person's perceived intelligence, the person's perceived romantic and caring characteristics...
She can't control who she is attracted to. And she's always been swimming against the current when trying to escape from these impossibly colorful ships.
Every single time, she thinks its better to have loved and not receive and get hurt, than to not love at all...
I went off @
10:47 AM
What attracts you to someone? Looks, the way a person talks, the things a person likes, the things a person can do, the things a person can talk about, the person's perceived intelligence, the person's perceived romantic and caring characteristics...
She can't control who she is attracted to. And she's always been swimming against the current when trying to escape from these impossibly colorful ships.
Every single time, she thinks its better to have loved and not receive and get hurt, than to not love at all...
Friday, August 21, 2009
I finally wrote some paragraphs for my literature review, and feel better about my academics than I have in a million years. And after talking to someone who understands all aspects of what I'm going through works wonders. I'm so glad, thank you :)
The solitary friday jog was a rather good one too :) Back is still aching while jogging, but weather was cool and there were hardly any cars on the road, nice! Fridays are good :) I like socialising the other days of the week, but being alone in hall on friday is a good way to enjoy my own company and get work done. There's the occasional emotional wave, but well they come and go I guess? Depression or not, I must remind myself that life is in fact good.
I got my work done from 12am to 4am and it should come as no surprise to me that it is the most productive time of my day, or rather, night. I woke up at 12 this afternoon, and after lunch I was so so tired and unfocused and could never have done what I did just now. Heck whatever sleep-early-wake-early lifestyle. That is not for me. My brain chooses to be active now, with distractions from msn and the internet and whatsoever. That's the way we roll. Sleeping at 5am on a normal schoolday won't work though, it's only for fridays.
Looking forward to a floorballey weekend :) Good luck everyone.
I went off @
1:25 PM
The solitary friday jog was a rather good one too :) Back is still aching while jogging, but weather was cool and there were hardly any cars on the road, nice! Fridays are good :) I like socialising the other days of the week, but being alone in hall on friday is a good way to enjoy my own company and get work done. There's the occasional emotional wave, but well they come and go I guess? Depression or not, I must remind myself that life is in fact good.
I got my work done from 12am to 4am and it should come as no surprise to me that it is the most productive time of my day, or rather, night. I woke up at 12 this afternoon, and after lunch I was so so tired and unfocused and could never have done what I did just now. Heck whatever sleep-early-wake-early lifestyle. That is not for me. My brain chooses to be active now, with distractions from msn and the internet and whatsoever. That's the way we roll. Sleeping at 5am on a normal schoolday won't work though, it's only for fridays.
Looking forward to a floorballey weekend :) Good luck everyone.
fantasy dean's list buddy
fellow bitch
unafraid to say the truth
friend
this is for you
haha
I went off @
1:18 PM
fellow bitch
unafraid to say the truth
friend
this is for you
haha
Reading up on mental illness now.. and really wondering if I'm suffering from depression. If I am, then at least my brain can share the blame of how big a failure I am. How incredibly fucked up my personality is. How I just can't be happy. How I just cannot stand a lot of people and things around me. I feel like a loser for feeling this way. How I wish I can blame it on my brain.
From http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2947
"The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite (anorexia) with weight loss or overeating with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance with insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment; thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. Alcohol or drug abuse may be signs of depression."
Hahaha.. I have those symptoms that can be attributed to plain laziness and greediness, like eating and sleeping too much. And sad all the time, how do I know if I am just being an asshole...
I went off @
6:45 AM
From http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2947
"The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite (anorexia) with weight loss or overeating with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance with insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment; thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. Alcohol or drug abuse may be signs of depression."
Hahaha.. I have those symptoms that can be attributed to plain laziness and greediness, like eating and sleeping too much. And sad all the time, how do I know if I am just being an asshole...
untapped ocean
Monday, August 17, 2009
It's nice being back in school and having to use my brain again. But the true horrors of being a final year student has hit me hard and fast. I can no longer skip lessons, can no longer ignore readings, can no longer slack till exam time comes. I know that is reality and I've been 'living a dream' the past three years. The thing is FFFYYYPPP... I am shocked that we need to look for our own funding. And if we can't get it, change topic or something. The researching and tedious tasks are fine... it's the funding part I am rudely awakened by.
I know it's good and finally challenging... but the rude shock of it has really drained me totally today... turned me into a zombie that can't believe its fate. I just feel so... stupid. Like doing well all those earlier years was just a result of good memory... I don't even know what is my talent and my niche. I'm just struggling to keep up with my courses and trying to convince myself I can do well. I cannot proudly claim I'm smart and highly analytical and good with words. I really can't. I really have to rely on working hard and learning the ropes from my lecturers and hopefully hone my skills from there.
And somewhere, somehow, I really want to find my niche.
Only now, then do I finally feel like I'm receiving a university education... I've been living a wonderful university LIFE the past few years. But I never let myself be stimulated intellectually, I mostly slumped through my years... Now, it's time to wake up and try to make something out of myself.
This undiscovered, unpolished self... I know no one is stupid stupid... And though FYP is super challenging, if I work hard, I can achieve something...
Now I face a tough, steep slope ahead. I must climb it, cos there is no way down. I must climb it, cos finally, I am forced to make use of my intellect. Somewhere, in everyone, there is a potential for something. I must not give up on myself...
But right now, I am so tormented and scared of this whole big bad world that I feel like crying... add to that my other failures as a person... I feel like bawlinggg...
I went off @
10:01 AM
I know it's good and finally challenging... but the rude shock of it has really drained me totally today... turned me into a zombie that can't believe its fate. I just feel so... stupid. Like doing well all those earlier years was just a result of good memory... I don't even know what is my talent and my niche. I'm just struggling to keep up with my courses and trying to convince myself I can do well. I cannot proudly claim I'm smart and highly analytical and good with words. I really can't. I really have to rely on working hard and learning the ropes from my lecturers and hopefully hone my skills from there.
And somewhere, somehow, I really want to find my niche.
Only now, then do I finally feel like I'm receiving a university education... I've been living a wonderful university LIFE the past few years. But I never let myself be stimulated intellectually, I mostly slumped through my years... Now, it's time to wake up and try to make something out of myself.
This undiscovered, unpolished self... I know no one is stupid stupid... And though FYP is super challenging, if I work hard, I can achieve something...
Now I face a tough, steep slope ahead. I must climb it, cos there is no way down. I must climb it, cos finally, I am forced to make use of my intellect. Somewhere, in everyone, there is a potential for something. I must not give up on myself...
But right now, I am so tormented and scared of this whole big bad world that I feel like crying... add to that my other failures as a person... I feel like bawlinggg...
Sleeping with the lights on... three days on...
Wake up feeling like I never slept, sleeping in lessons like I never slept well. The truth is I slept seven hours... But its seven hours of glaring light and wrong pillow height, and book strewn in between the sheets... Afraid of the dark and the horrors it brings... Time to face up to it tonight. Maybe tonight I'll be ok...
Putting off bedtime, putting off closing the door... sometimes its really scary...
I went off @
9:54 AM
Wake up feeling like I never slept, sleeping in lessons like I never slept well. The truth is I slept seven hours... But its seven hours of glaring light and wrong pillow height, and book strewn in between the sheets... Afraid of the dark and the horrors it brings... Time to face up to it tonight. Maybe tonight I'll be ok...
Putting off bedtime, putting off closing the door... sometimes its really scary...
such a freaking failure... never met a bigger one...
I went off @
8:59 AM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
the good old fool again... fool...
I went off @
11:05 AM
Congrats to blizzards and hurricanes for winning their games :) Storm, better game next time, you can do much better than that!
Personally I'm itching to train so much. Luckily tuesday is coming soon :D
I went off @
11:03 AM
Personally I'm itching to train so much. Luckily tuesday is coming soon :D
Friday, August 14, 2009
Excuse me, where do all the ugly girls go? On the shelf, in the waste basket, or on the dinner table? Maybe it's better not to be on the shelf, cos then you can't grab food when you're sad and get even uglier. Maybe it's better to be on the dinner table, cos very soon, you can't watch the world go by anymore. You'll go to a place where hopefully, there is no more pain.
I went off @
9:18 AM
Everytime I do this alone in school, I'm reminded of...
how nice it is to be in control of everything you do
how nice it is to not have to care about what people think of your fat thighs and butt
how the world is spinning on a tilted axis, and there's nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try
how the best things in life need not cost much
how every experience of doing the same thing is totally different and should be treasured for what it is, even if bad things should happen
how these experiences are once in a lifetime
how when I think with my head, I stop thinking with my heart, which means I can't do it at the same time, which spells doom
how happiness can trigger sadness and sadness can trigger happiness
how nice crying can be
how awful slopes are, yet we still climb them, cos while the way up is painful, as long as you work hard and press on, you'll be rewarded with the best feeling ever when you reach the top
how I must work very hard to climb some slopes
how slopes are not made equal, some are too steep for even the sincerest of hearts, some are fitted with traps that sabotage your journey up, some have obstacles that defy the mind, thus, maturity and discipline are required to navigate these slopes
how doing a repetitive motion can somehow clear your mind and aid thinking
how exhilarated I am when I finish a jog :)
I went off @
8:58 AM
how nice it is to be in control of everything you do
how nice it is to not have to care about what people think of your fat thighs and butt
how the world is spinning on a tilted axis, and there's nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try
how the best things in life need not cost much
how every experience of doing the same thing is totally different and should be treasured for what it is, even if bad things should happen
how these experiences are once in a lifetime
how when I think with my head, I stop thinking with my heart, which means I can't do it at the same time, which spells doom
how happiness can trigger sadness and sadness can trigger happiness
how nice crying can be
how awful slopes are, yet we still climb them, cos while the way up is painful, as long as you work hard and press on, you'll be rewarded with the best feeling ever when you reach the top
how I must work very hard to climb some slopes
how slopes are not made equal, some are too steep for even the sincerest of hearts, some are fitted with traps that sabotage your journey up, some have obstacles that defy the mind, thus, maturity and discipline are required to navigate these slopes
how doing a repetitive motion can somehow clear your mind and aid thinking
how exhilarated I am when I finish a jog :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"Piece of shit. Stop making a fool out of yourself. Stop it. Just admit that you're a piece of shit. Stop shopping around for weapons to hurt yourself with. Stop putting them into your basket. You know bloody well they're gonna hurt you. Please listen. You're getting older, a little discipline should be in order by now."
It's so tiring.
Sometimes I do think that its easier to live life by not being a good person, not doing kind deeds. Cos it's easier to accept that you deserve shit.
Some things, you have no control over, you can't improve, you can't change. I wish I could run away.
whywhywhywhywhy...
I went off @
12:30 PM
It's so tiring.
Sometimes I do think that its easier to live life by not being a good person, not doing kind deeds. Cos it's easier to accept that you deserve shit.
Some things, you have no control over, you can't improve, you can't change. I wish I could run away.
whywhywhywhywhy...
Sunday, August 9, 2009
On this day, the 10th of august 2009, I sit in my hall room. It is totally changed; the furniture from browns to whites and greys and blues, the spotty old floor to parquet. It's nice and all, even looked like an ikea showroom the first time I stepped in. I've put up my personal things already, and I like the way things look. But I'm still not feeling as I should, still a little apprehensive. The shadow of the recent climate is probably still hanging over me.
The last time I'm gonna shift into hall. The last eight months in hall. Live it up to the fullest!
I went off @
11:08 PM
The last time I'm gonna shift into hall. The last eight months in hall. Live it up to the fullest!
To me, a person's looks are largely defined by what they are on the inside. I think all of my good friends look good some way or another, and getting to know them better ups their looks no matter what. On the nasty side of the coin, I think someone looks very very very ugly. It's not that I am mean nor shallow. I am feeling this way cos this person is the epitome of corruption, evilness and any other rotten word you can think of. Along with a whole lot of other bad people. I think they look ugly no matter how nice their features are. Most places you go, the people are horrible. Where did all these people come from?
And how in the world is everyone (think 99%) in storm so nice? It's like a pocket of sunshine in a dark damp world :) I really will come and support you all in your matches ok! First match clashes with my mum's birthday though see what I can do ;)
Anyhow, I'm glad I can see the inner beauty of people on their faces :)
Now if only more people could be like this...
I went off @
5:05 AM
And how in the world is everyone (think 99%) in storm so nice? It's like a pocket of sunshine in a dark damp world :) I really will come and support you all in your matches ok! First match clashes with my mum's birthday though see what I can do ;)
Anyhow, I'm glad I can see the inner beauty of people on their faces :)
Now if only more people could be like this...
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Had a great saturday :)
Felt so happy playing fng with the guys today. I'm getting better at forgiving myself for being dog tired and not playing well and just enjoying floorball for fun :) Going through a rough patch in floorball now, not used to my new stick and can't shoot as well as before. But I think it's possible to improve again, or else, I'll just hafta change back to my old one. No need to fret over this.
Had a good time in storm training as well and was awesome playing with qiao'e in game! It's such a good feeling to pass to someone who's as good a finisher as her. Twice I passed to her in a good position and she converted both!
It was like being reborn, to get totally shagged out and sweat so much, I felt exhilarated on court just now. And my face is still tinged with a happy pink colour now, yoohoo :)
Thoroughly enjoyed going out to dinner with the sisters and slacking our way back home too :) Was really good talking to you in person and online.
Fun fun fun :)
It's times like these when the hurting things don't seem like such big issues anymore. Like what my personal sisterly warm counselor khai said, hahaha.. Just don't care about them!
I've got a very good life, with my dear family and friends.. things that I was hurt by, are really not important. In more ways than one :)
I went off @
9:46 AM
Felt so happy playing fng with the guys today. I'm getting better at forgiving myself for being dog tired and not playing well and just enjoying floorball for fun :) Going through a rough patch in floorball now, not used to my new stick and can't shoot as well as before. But I think it's possible to improve again, or else, I'll just hafta change back to my old one. No need to fret over this.
Had a good time in storm training as well and was awesome playing with qiao'e in game! It's such a good feeling to pass to someone who's as good a finisher as her. Twice I passed to her in a good position and she converted both!
It was like being reborn, to get totally shagged out and sweat so much, I felt exhilarated on court just now. And my face is still tinged with a happy pink colour now, yoohoo :)
Thoroughly enjoyed going out to dinner with the sisters and slacking our way back home too :) Was really good talking to you in person and online.
Fun fun fun :)
It's times like these when the hurting things don't seem like such big issues anymore. Like what my personal sisterly warm counselor khai said, hahaha.. Just don't care about them!
I've got a very good life, with my dear family and friends.. things that I was hurt by, are really not important. In more ways than one :)
Friday, August 7, 2009
inside my heart
something is growing
but it's all inside my head
danger's coming
please stop me
and with all the pain inside of me I sing this song...
I went off @
10:21 AM
something is growing
but it's all inside my head
danger's coming
please stop me
and with all the pain inside of me I sing this song...
I guilt I feel, and am ever gonna feel, will never be tantamount to what you all have to deal with. When you get older, when you realise how wrong you were, how many people you have hurt, it's gonna be a real tough time. And you will regret ever having done all of these. You will remember how good you felt then, you will feel that it was not worth it at all. When you are down and out, when you are old and sickly, when people walk past you, scabs and all, and they throw you the filthiest looks they can muster.
I imagine that, when we die, everything will come back to us. We'll have to experience 'life' as how we treated people in our lifetime. I don't want to be insulted, I don't want to be cheated, I don't want to be scolded, I don't want to be HURT. Even if we don't think that far, just be human and think of how others would FEEL. It's such a simple thing that a glaring number of people cannot even comprehend. Think of how you would feel if you were that person. Think of how you would feel if people bullied you, disrespected you, put you in so much pain. You're human, they're human, the pain you would feel is the same. So how could you bear to put another in so much pain?
Today, I've seen that there are many horrible people in this world, many horrible people I've met. I reflected, truly, and asked myself if I've done things half as bad as them. I had doubts, I wondered if I got this far cos I am, alas, similar to them.
I still have doubts.
I always remind myself, of the human I want to be.
I went off @
10:06 AM
I imagine that, when we die, everything will come back to us. We'll have to experience 'life' as how we treated people in our lifetime. I don't want to be insulted, I don't want to be cheated, I don't want to be scolded, I don't want to be HURT. Even if we don't think that far, just be human and think of how others would FEEL. It's such a simple thing that a glaring number of people cannot even comprehend. Think of how you would feel if you were that person. Think of how you would feel if people bullied you, disrespected you, put you in so much pain. You're human, they're human, the pain you would feel is the same. So how could you bear to put another in so much pain?
Today, I've seen that there are many horrible people in this world, many horrible people I've met. I reflected, truly, and asked myself if I've done things half as bad as them. I had doubts, I wondered if I got this far cos I am, alas, similar to them.
I still have doubts.
I always remind myself, of the human I want to be.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Just take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face.
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Just take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Just take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's a chance I've got to take.
Just take a look at me now.
- against all odds
I went off @
11:51 AM
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Just take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face.
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Just take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Just take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's a chance I've got to take.
Just take a look at me now.
- against all odds
I was very very very sad. Then I became amazed at how I could be so upset over something that has nothing to do with relationship issues. Then I realized it's still along those same lines. I am so angry with myself for screwing up, because along the way, I screwed up my human relationships with all the people. It's all about relationships. From someone who was popular and well-liked (I think), I've become someone who gets weird stares because people know I screwed up. I am very very upset with myself for letting things go this way. It's an ego thing as well, I can't believe, when I thought I was rather good at playing the PR game, I let this all become such a mess. And at the same time, I'm very very angry with myself, for making those mistakes. Please, forgive me.
But the bottomline is that what's done is done. I'm human too, I screwed up, but people make mistakes. And I only have to endure one or two more months in this shit that was somewhat beyond my control anyway, finish up my job responsibly with the limited screwed up resources I have, and then I will be free forever. Yes forever.
Once again, I go back to my old consolation standby : Eating more bitter fruits, the right way, will make me a stronger person, a better person.
I'll cherish what should be cherished, ignore what's not important and should never have been, and come out of this.
Very soon very soon.
I went off @
11:07 AM
But the bottomline is that what's done is done. I'm human too, I screwed up, but people make mistakes. And I only have to endure one or two more months in this shit that was somewhat beyond my control anyway, finish up my job responsibly with the limited screwed up resources I have, and then I will be free forever. Yes forever.
Once again, I go back to my old consolation standby : Eating more bitter fruits, the right way, will make me a stronger person, a better person.
I'll cherish what should be cherished, ignore what's not important and should never have been, and come out of this.
Very soon very soon.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I have this strong, strong, strong urge to talk to you. I don't know why, and I don't know what to say, I don't know how to answer the questions I would ask. And I'm too tired to talk, I'm having a headache which I'm bewildered by, I never have headaches. I've been thinking about you and I don't know why.
I went off @
9:17 AM