High and low tides

Monday, November 30, 2009

First voluntary exercise in ages. Feels great :) The endorphins a welcome respite from the sadness which has consumed me again. Channeling my energies and expertise into a mission. That's gonna consume me, obsess me, dictate me. It's all about me. No longer anyonenews else. Just me and memory.

shivers down my spine...

想念你的笑
想念你的外套
想念你白色袜子
和你身上的味道
我想念你的吻
和手指淡淡烟草味道
记忆中曾被爱的味道

I went off @ 11:45 AM

Sunday, November 29, 2009

ouchouchouchouchouchouch.

My stomach hurts so much i'm dizzy, nauseous and can't study. Not tired either but I've to try and sleep since I can't study. Ouchhhh...

I went off @ 2:50 PM

crawled from my life
into my dreams
even then i knew
i knew it wasn't real

I went off @ 1:52 AM

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm suddenly paralysed with fear at the thought of losing my loved ones. Especially my mum cos of her health problems. All the lies I told, all the time I didn't spend, all the good things I didn't do. Someone save me from myself. Please. If this is a wake up call to be a better person, thank you. To me, there's no such thing as to appreciate or treasure more. I do, I already do. I just need to really be a better person, I know. My cheeks are getting reacquainted with my tears right now, shivering in silence.

Why does every lie-down on my otherwise comfortable bed lead to such thoughts... What's wrong with me...

"there's no use worrying about things you can't control, so drop it..."

I went off @ 12:26 PM

My parents and brother came to see me again this weekend. Made a huge fool of themselves while ordering food, don't want to elaborate why here haha but I bet the waitress would have complained to other people and laughed about it. lol. We went to the city harvest coffee shop zi char, and the food came within like 5 minutes and the portions were generous. I suspect they're afraid my parents will kick up a big fuss if the service is bad, lol. My mum bought me the chocolate cream biscuits that I like from her 'old house' market at circuit road. Had it with vitasoy just now for dinner, feel the love :)

I went off @ 10:50 AM

afraid and shy
i've let my chance go by
the chance that you might
love me too

you give your hand to me
and then you say goodbye
i watch you walk away
beside the lucky guy

you don't know me

I went off @ 7:39 AM

10 reasons why I wanna go to spain

more about them at http://opentravel.com/Things-To-Do-In-Spain-Attractions

I went off @ 5:39 AM

i wrote myself a letter
oh the privilege
i better keep to it

i've got to break free
i want to break free
i want i want i want i want to break free

I went off @ 1:24 AM

Friday, November 27, 2009

Confidence is perhaps, knowing what you excel at, and seeing those which you do not, as unnecessary or not worth being good at. Confusion is perhaps, too many commas and nots in a sentence.

I went off @ 8:50 AM

This doesn't feel like exam week. What with all the ktv, mj and non-studying. It's been fun :))

Two person ktv is fun cos I don't need to worry about boring out tooo many people with all my old-school english songs. Haha.. but I woke up with a sore throat the next day cos I still don't know how to project my voice properly. And I feel like I can't sing that emotionally anymore cos I'm not that sad anymore? Dunno if its a good thing. The recent bad luck in mj is downright scary. It leads me to lament about the other bad luck areas in my life. Like, what the fuck. Sometimes, chance, luck, fate, whatever you call it, can dictate your life. And despite your best efforts, sometimes life just deals you with bad cards! And even if you do have good cards, you can still lose out horribly if others are just faster or even better than you. People always say that if you work hard you will succeed, but the spout of mj bad luck was so scary. Cos there was just nothing I could do to reverse the extreme losing. Nothing. I even went so far to think that I had lost my skills or something. I'm still the same person as before, but just that little four letter word called luck, can dictate everything. Still, three person mj is fun. Dinner after mj was awwesome haha.. haven't had prata and indian rojak for quite a long time. And it's one of those simple singaporean things that fills my heart with joy, and erm oil. Also bcm, cc, ckt, hm, cr, ol... I'll treat whoever can guess what foods the acronyms stand for to a drink of their choice haha!

And I'm addicted to blogging. I just have to post something even if it might be crap, almost everyday. So here is my daily dosage. I'm gonna tell you that it's 12 midnight now, I just rediscovered the fun of word challenge, I'm going to bathe soon, and study till morning.

I learned that promises are harder to break if you tell it to more people. haha.

I went off @ 8:06 AM

I went off @ 7:21 AM

Thursday, November 26, 2009

.looksee.

I went off @ 12:39 PM

Doesn't like people who try to appear modest but are actually dying to flaunt. The world doesn't need to know.

Hey but who am I to say.
I'm just another deluded drifter.
Just like you.

I went off @ 12:35 PM

Many a time I would lie on my bed for a well-deserved sleep. But my heart pounds against my ribs and my eyes feel awkward closed. I start to worry about whether I would simply drift away from this world within the night. Sometimes, it feels good to imagine just leaving this world, and at times it scares me so much I'd not dare to fall asleep. The thought of death, to myself, to my family, haunts me when I lie in bed. I copy and paste my blog entries into my laptop and my harddisk. I'm afraid that it'll all get lost in the web one day. When I wake up in the afternoons, when I feel my bolster between my legs and my slush right in front of my eyes. It's surreal. Fast forward to a time in the future? It wouldn't be half bad, at least I'd earn my own keep by then.

don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
the sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the night time from the day

I went off @ 11:34 AM

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

you have taught me much
thank yous

I went off @ 1:10 PM

it must have been love, but its over now
it must have been good, but i lost it somehow

I went off @ 1:07 PM

We are all DELUDED in our little, unique and sometimes disastrous ways.

I went off @ 1:05 PM

I went off @ 11:08 AM

"It'd be dem fun to live in hall if I was living with my good friends," someone said.

Yes, I had that. But as all good times do, they've ended. The pain of once having, the pain of not having. I wish, I wish it was the year twenty oh seven.

I went off @ 1:50 AM

Monday, November 23, 2009

BLOODY PAINFUL DIGESTIVE TRACT CONTRACTIONS.

Must eat a fruit a day.

I went off @ 11:57 AM

Sunday, November 22, 2009

To simplify a quote I got from yr's blog...

if you don't get what you want, it's a sign either that you did not seriously want it, or it's just too expensive for you...

I went off @ 2:54 PM

It's a sunny day! :) It's a world apart from the murderous winds at old can a last night. I swear they had intentions to kill! Off and on there would come such an intense gust that I'd be terrified out of my wits. They must have blew all the storm clouds far far away cos it has been a sunny, and I've just realised, COOL day :) Haha I think I'm happy about it only because I'm in the comfortable coolness of my room. If I needed to walk around under the sun it'd be a different story. And I have a ton of clothes to dry cos I haven't been doing my laundry diligently like a good girl should. That's another cause for the sun-celebration. The importance of circumstances in moderating everything... feelings, actions, success, everything!

In an odd mood now. Slept at 6 and rose at 2 and it's almost 6 now. And I haven't attempted to study at all haha. I feel like there's gonna be more than enough time tonight. My schoolmates are contaminating facebook by posting their worries about the exam, but I'm weirdly not as afraid as them. Maybe it's just differing expectations, maybe I'm ignorant of the toughness, maybe confidence will be my trump card. I sure hope it's the latter.

here's a part of me wishing
you'd sing that song to me

I went off @ 1:45 AM

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The problem with the daily rain is that walking around in slippers becomes a royal mess! You get water seeping into your slippers and the squishy squishy feeling so often, and worse still, the water splattering up at your legs!

My advice is to perhaps wear slippers with backstraps, walk slowly, avoid uneven roads, and refrain from wearing white shorts. Or else...

Model: May Lim
Styling and photography: Absolutveron Pte Ltd
Assistant: Feiyong Foo
Sponsors: Crumpler, Uniqlo

Shot on location in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.

I went off @ 6:46 AM

in times like these, there's no such thing as days of the week
monday
tuesday
wednesday
thursday
friday
saturday
sunday
they don't have no special privileges
in times like these, there's no such thing as day or night
time is measured in chapters and pages
its a tricky thing to measure time
still for this purpose
i tame time

I went off @ 12:35 AM

the rain is getting depressing
to open your door day after day
to see a gloomy sky and neverending rain
i don't know what to do
so i might as well wait for acid to flow
crawl back to bed
slump on the wall
salty face and oily hair
this is gonna be a solemn snapshot

i wish i could turn back time
life was so much better then

all the warmth
from a plastic bowl
all the love
from the korean stall cook

oops last piece of andes
time has finally
run out on me

I went off @ 12:26 AM

Friday, November 20, 2009

and i promise you kid i'll give so much more than i get
i just haven't met you yet

Catchy new song from Michael Buble. I love the positive lyrics too. Funny how songs can make you feel so much and even change your moods. It's 6am at old can a, north spine, NTU and it's colddd. Ok I know its probably nothing compared to temperate weather, but to a tropical kid it's awfully chilling! There's an incessant wind blowing in from the direction of the bus stop, blowing against the back of my head and it refuses to stop. I think it's true that sometimes physical cold brings to the surface the coldness in our hearts. The shivering successfully breaking down all the carefully organized crystalline defenses around it. They all come crumbling down. The blood flowed as it should, and you feel again. You face up to it and it's probably better than denial. Only with acceptance can there be recovery. Baby steps they might be. Crawl, crawl, crawl out of the ridiculous hole. Haha.

yes the best you ever had

I went off @ 1:57 PM

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I've been 'studying' for four days and I'm running out of gas! NO MOOD to study today already!!! Just this unexplainable, don't feel like doing work mood, oh no =( So much for staying up the whole night to get more done. I'd be so happy just to finish one reading, cos at least all the readings for media law will be done!

Arghhh but in between I keep thinking of food, thinking of things that I'm not sure about. I keep thinking I'm ok but sometimes things just.. snap, melt, ignite, whatever.

I've already busted myself by eating lots of junk and not drinking enough water. There's a huge painful pimple on my nose and my suddenly double-eyelided eyes feel perpetually blur and weird. And my head and shoulders start to ache every 5 minutes I try to study at my desk.

This is not a happy exam time.

Actually not only do I not have motivation to study today, I don't even have the inspiration to write my emo craps. It's like some sort of creative essence just ran out in my body! Hmm but since sadness inspires creativity, maybe it will be effective for studying as well. And maybe junk food robs your body of brain cells. Ok I shall have good good from now on, haha. Good food, and still wallow in sadness. That should be the best combination for a sharp mind tomorrow.

WHERE ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU?

I went off @ 12:19 PM

i don't want to lie in wait for hours, just to see a shooting star

I went off @ 11:46 AM

its the season of busted umbrellas and slow-melting ice cream

I went off @ 1:04 AM

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I went off @ 12:36 PM

Cheers, my friend.
We meet again tonight.
I've been anticipating.
Cos.
You make me smile.
You make me shudder.
When nothing else can.
You're my best friend.
After all, how could you not be.
When our names begin and end as one.
We were truly meant to be.

if we were lovers
like we were meant to be

I went off @ 10:34 AM

SADangerSadangerSAdangersAdangersaDANGERsadAngersadANger

I went off @ 10:16 AM

我每天睡不着，想念你的微笑
你不知道，你对我多么重要。

I went off @ 9:16 AM

This place is unreal. It's just like a dream. Are you sure you're studying? The high ceiling, the full length windows, the beautiful idyllic halls and hills on one side, the sky and trees on the other. I have this feeling that I can't get enough of this place. It's too good to be true. Is it real?

i can feel your heart and i sympathize
and I'll never criticize
all you've ever meant to my life

I went off @ 12:50 AM

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

We are only as good as we think we are. Question is, where is the line between realism and overestimation?

I went off @ 6:01 AM

The body is breaking down, more care must be taken. Throw that coat of complacency out of the window!

water is the cure to everything.
or so i say.

I went off @ 5:55 AM

Monday, November 16, 2009

I can probably do a whole essay on the evils of facebook, but for now the things that are griping me are-

People (PERSON) who talk to me on facebook chat when there's nothing urgent to ask me. Hello, isn't it obvious that I'm not in the mood to chat if I'm not on msn? Isn't it obvious that my facebook window is just open when my laptop is on? I feel like a caged animal. Who's trying to escape to the jungle for some peace and quiet, but the hunter somehow finds me.

People who post certain kinds of status updates. Haha not those complainy ones or even those that post something at 12am, like it at 1am, then comment on it at 2am. It's an innocent statement that should be of no problem to other people. But to a stressed, bitter, sad person who thinks too much, it sucks.

People who post fat and ugly photos of others, and say you post their ugly photos when its not even ugly in the first place. How can you be ugly when you're not even fat?

I went off @ 7:41 PM

brainfucked.
in every sense of the word.

I went off @ 9:28 AM

I stayed up to do my fyp till 8am today! Somehow both xh and me felt awake enough to rush it out before we went to bed, pretty cool to have an fyp mate like that haha. Forced myself to sleep just 5 hours and wake up at 1plus cos the draw of can 5 chicken rice was too strong. Actually quite amazed that I could wake up, but it was rather easy cos I didn't have a deep sleep in the first place, pretty bad. But the chicken rice was worth it, very good!

Went off to cheryl's room to study in the afternoon instead of the library or something cos I knew I was too tired to resist a bit of sleep, haha. Ok so the after-lunch-syndrome, already bad enough tiredness and irritatingly drawn out grass-cutting made it impossible for me to read past one page of that ridiculously complicated reading... and I ended up having an afternoon nap of about two hours! Was cold and hot at the same time and that probably led to my undesirable dreams. Dreams that make me uneasy. Dreams that point to the fact of what my unconscious is thinking of most of the time. Old flame and old friends =x

Decided to isolate myself in old can A for dinner and nighttime studying thereafter. It's amazing how one can sit there or walk around ntu with a jacket on and still feel cold. The spirit of november is definitely in the air. Wouldn't say my studying was very productive but at least I'm rid of that nasty reading :) Hahahaha and I beat all my friends' high scores on animal swapping when it finally loaded! lol!

That was a weird monday in the exams context, cos of the lack of sleep the day before. But things are gonna look up from here.

those piano keys
they're drumming on the skins of my soul

I went off @ 8:45 AM

I didn't know, I didn't throw you away. It was more than ink, that flowed out of your pen. As I cradle it, I'm startled, I confess. Afraid of 10, I chose 31...

But there's nothing avoiding can do, when the weapons come from within. Can I just blame it on the weather again? For bringing forth these feelings that should have been left behind a long time ago...

I remember what you told me, I remember where we lay. That meadow, that lake, those hills, that river, that you. It's not the promises of forevers or ilus, it's the little things you told me, I'll always remember so...

Swimming in this world of water- lake, rivers, ocean, rivers, lake... where at least I have the hills for company...

I went off @ 8:35 AM

How can I commit myself to the books, when I'm compounded to write, write, write...

I went off @ 7:45 AM

there's so many things you should have told her
but night after night you're willing to hold her
just hold her, tears on your shoulder

-new kid in town

I went off @ 5:28 AM

Alone at chilly old can A, waiting for animal swapping to load to no avail, trying to get started on some unintelligible readings. It's the time of the season, for exams.

The weekend was a rest before the long journey ahead. I slept at 10 plus everyday at home, pretending to clutch on to my readings then descending into reading harry potter... In its splendour, home feels like a chalet, a retreat. Where the weather is exactly what it should be like, rainy and cloudy, where the smells of home-cooked food waft through the air, where the bed is soft and the blanket is warm. It's like a moment in time you wish you can have forever.

Alright the animals just REFUSE to come out. That should be a clear divine sign that I should and must start studying. I'll see you again tonight, blog.

I went off @ 5:17 AM

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

it might just be laziness but i'll have to applaud you for it, well done.
feel like it but the scars of retribution are tingling, right now.

control. control. control.

I went off @ 11:29 AM

Had malay oral today, it was to say the least quite horrible. Reading was fine but for the conversation I just froze and laughed my way through much of it. Haha but the best part is that I don't care... it was just embarrassing but I don't care how badly I do provided I don't fail.

Last piece of schoolwork for this semester is a group report. Aim to finish it by: thursday night-night i.e. wee hours of friday morning. Then no more projects! Feels so yesterday that I was typing a similar post about the end of year 3 semester one, one whole year ago. The feelings are so similar, haha I really haven't grown up.

Haven't been productive in my room at all for the past 2 nights. It's just too distracting. Besides the wasting time on fb and blog and msn, walking around the corridors and talking here and there also take up alot of time. Wondering where is the best place for me to study this time. All my studying kakis have graduated (from my life) :( And no more jcrc room to study at. Hmmm...

Sitting here and pondering where I should head to after my four years... for it will affect my choice of subjects next semester... I don't even know myself well enough, all I can say is that I'm too erratic and inconsistent to be sure of anything. Arh... then it might well be safer to go for a more introvert choice, then I will not get sad suddenly and screw up how I present myself in front of people. And the best choice would actually be some kind of nun, cos then I can be free of any emotional problems till the day I die. Oh wait I don't have a religion. Screw it.

I went off @ 11:07 AM

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

change perceptions
get on that lifeboat
so what
control actions
clear the sky and bloom again
mountains lions and panthers on the prowl
get down from that mountain you're not on the top of the world
stronger and wiser yes
the car ride has to end
to see the clouds in a different light
that curvy roadtrip was exhilirating but its time to go to bed
have you had enough
what are dreams but the perverse reality of your twisted mind
get out of that chair and throw those black roses
crashed and burned, was it worth that magic carpet ride
pick up that pebble from the depths and give it away
it's not a joke and never will be
shut the door on the darkened room and don't look back
don't care how pink and soft it is, its not everyone's colour
eat up that wasabi soya sauce rice and shit it out
and what the fuck are carecandies
fun can fuck pretty well soooo
try and take care
of YOURself

I went off @ 12:42 PM

Chemistry today was phenomenal! I'm amazed haha!

kzkzkzkzcllllbbb!

I went off @ 12:03 PM

Thank you so much for the charperd's pie and double-char-boiled herbal chicken soup! Such a warm feeling in hall tonight :) I just love eating anything that others cook for me :) Maybe that's why we all love home cooked food so much. Appreciation :)

I went off @ 11:57 AM

it's time.
to come back down to earth.

I went off @ 11:47 AM

It's 10.30pm almost midway through the last week of my second last semester in ntu. I feel sleepy but happy that the worst is over. Presentations done yesterday and today! :)) Whee just an oral and a group report left. Nevermind that ongoing fyp.

There seemed to be many things due but I seem to be able to do them so quickly. I can socialise and sad and slack so much and still have the time to finish my stuff. Oh yes sleep is compromised, forgot to add it into my equation. There is a sense that I am so used to being a student, so familiar with presentations and reports that I get things done in a jiffy. But that's mixed with the probable slipshod nature of my work. Heck I don't care. As long as I don't fail anything! Please please please.

Get past this week, and I can study for exams in peace. Very worried about the final outcome of my ultrabadattitude classes, but the best I can do is study well for my exams, and that's what I'm gonna do.

Hahaha I just checked my gpa using a gpa calculator and even if I fail both those subjects this sem and only get B for everything else (which shouldn't be the case for electives), my gpa still won't drop below second lower! Phewww.. it's just that I've to sit through more cs crap next sem if it happens. But at least I'm secured second lower!

HIGH.

I went off @ 6:25 AM