Things were different, two years ago. You were seated here, exactly where I am sitting right now. The scene looks too similar, photographs in exactly the same position, untouched in two years. Time has passed, much has changed, but my wallpaper and photographs at my desk are still there. Same dustbin, water bottle, pencil case, I see them in the photograph, I see them here. They're all still here. It's so easy to be deceived that things should be the same, that you are still here. But you're not.

All those years ago. Chills run through my body as I look on. Seeing our smiles, I sigh, and I smile.

Still, I miss.

1. Blogging, reading blogs
2. Looking at friends' photos on facebook and all the fun they are having
3. Taking 10 minute toilet naps
4. Typing in paragraphs word for word to appear like I'm doing work
5. MSNing

I should be sacked.

By people who scoff at my dreams and ask when would I be able to give them money.

By others who don't matter and should not have ever mattered.

I am deeply disappointed.

"You want to be a teacher, a coach? What rubbish! You are good at your sport meh?"

Ouch.

All your freaking opinions don't matter, what you do don't matter, how lousy you all think I am, how ugly you think I am, how much you look down on me, it doesn't matter. Only MY opinion matters, so just scoot off and don't make false pretences.

It's always nice to be part of a good natured team that fights hard. That was what I experienced yesterday at IHG floorball. I love it that we all went out to enjoy ourselves and just gave our best, no blaming or scolding of each other no matter what.

I did have fun playing with you guys yesterday, BUT am having a very serious problem calming myself down over my mistakes. I don't know why I am so uptight about making mistakes, but it has been gnawing at my conscience non-stop since yesterday, even up till now, 24 hours later. Though everyone says 'its only IHG', that is no help at all. Perhaps because it is only a small scale competition that I did not have the best of attitudes, and that is bothering me. I hated that I could not shoot on target most of the time, yet did not have the composure to pass instead of shoot when I heard the call. I feel horrible for not running my best cos I was damn lethargic, could not support in the best way I can, fumbled with passes on the board. Urgh. On the whole, however, I know I did quite well. I did not do any fancy useless moves, only made one dangerous centre pass (thank you lucky, lol), had the chances to shoot which is a great achievement in itself, made some quick runs that guys could not catch up with, controlled my temper pretty well too. Haha but I did shout like a mad woman once when the ref said my goal didn't go in when from freaking far people could see that it went in, totally and absolutely across the line. Sorry to all about that, controlling my temper when I am accused of something I did or did not do is one of the biggest challenges.

I cannot get over the fact that the simple act of looking up and shooting on target eluded me yesterday =( Oh well it wasn't as good as it could have been, but it wasn't that bad, so cheer up! First silver medals for IHG floorball... thank you to all who came down to play. Special thanks to gerard who came down to play goalie and huiqi for helping me out though you actually do not like to do this kinda stuff, heh. All of you guys are seriously great teammates and friends. And though I am so uptight about my performance, the team did really well truly. Kudos to all of us.

p.s. and I feel better after pouring the woes out =)

What a friday. I suspect I have racked up a sleep debt of about ten hours over the course of the work week. Had four hours of sleep each day from monday to wednesday, and barely three hours last night. Getting so nervous about oversleeping that I woke up before the alarm rang today, confusing myself when it really rang, then going back to sleep again, nearly missing my 7.10 bus. And while I normally get to comfortably sleep my train ride away and wake up naturally when the train reaches my stop, I woke up at every other station today and kept thinking it was somewhere in the east already! Like when it's only commonwealth I'll think the train has come out of the tunnel and is somewhere like paya lebar already -_-

This is by far my most tired day at work. I couldn't stay awake even when the office auntie was behind me scanning newspapers, I tried to look at the computer screen and get on with my work but my head just lolled down. At any given moment my eyes were so heavy that I had to alternate opening them left and right to keep them open. lol. Good thing there was yet another birthday celebration for a colleague in the morning. I got to eat nice peanut porridge, wet wet vegetarian bee hoon, chewy chee cheong fun, and rather soft and silky black carrot cake. Yum once again! That's like the best thing about working here, get to eat a lot of nice food like dim sum, chinese new year lunch, and birthday parties here and there with those random finger and hawker food, with bakerzinn cakes all the time. But no wonder I put on weight the last month.

Sigh, I know I should sleep earlier at night so I wouldn't have to suffer this much everyday. It's a serious pain in the ass to want to sleep so badly but not being able to. But I like going running at night when there are hardly any cars on the road, I like talking crap for hours after running, I like going for floorball training, I like going for the suppers after training, I like taking the super long walks back after the suppers! But that's what this working experience is supposed to teach me I guess. Being a working adult is all about responsibility and sacrifices. Sacrifice the things you like to do. Blah. I cannot forgo those things that I like, best I can is to shift stuff a little earlier and not slack around so much before bathing. I like slacking and taking my time at things too! But with responsibilities comes sacrifice la =)

I swear it's pms. Blame it on pms.

I've been horrendously irritable these few days I'm so ashamed of myself. I roll my eyes and get pissed off when I hear how irritatingly some people speak, I scolded fark so many times in storm training yesterday cos I couldn't shoot up to standard, I suddenly felt emotional and sad, I feel disappointed and resigned about some things, I insulted how people do things and am ridiculously demanding. It's almost like I've become a different person who's so darn unpleasant. What else can I blame it on besides pms? I really do not think I am this mean and irritable normally. But the doubts are there and it's scaring me how awful I can be.

Not only are my emotions addled, my body is being made a fool out of too. When I walked down to the bus stop yesterday morning, my whole body just ached in a way that made me want to cry. It wasn't normal muscle aches, it was a weird feeling of weakness and helplessness emanating from my stomach. And I've been unnaturally cold in the buses and MRTs it's excrutiating. I wondered why I haven't been my usual self in tempest training and fng, and now I know, blame it on pms. I lost 50-50s (weeps) and had an effective energy limit of like 30 seconds in games and I walked on court most of the time in fng. Andddd pms makes my back hurt. And I stupidly went to chiong and practise shots last night, aggravating the backache. The forceful practising also strained my right butt and thigh muscles! It's like a lesser version of a stroke, a foolishly self-attained one at that.

This post is also to remind myself not to practise too hard when I'm already tired and at the mercy of pms. I know I'm too playful to listen to my own advice most of the time, so well, at least stretch well before and after the exertion!

Just had a very enjoyable and thoroughly draining tempest training =) Something I've noticed, most of us wear white shirts to training, and normally only two or three will wear dark blue or black. And they mostly wear old school shirts like ISG shirts, PVP shirts, not anything branded. As I heard the senior girls reminisce about their uni days over supper just now, I got hit by the wave of nostalgia. I've only known most of them after they graduated, so it was weird to hear them talk about being roommates, oversleeping training, and being scolded by the captain when they were still living in hall. Hmm just imagine xiushan and suelyn with pigtails having a pillow fight in their hall room or something.. lol. Being a working adult, maybe one has the hidden urge to plunge back into that youthful carefree life again, and perhaps that is why they always wear their old school shirts, which are normally white. I think I've solved the mystery of the white shirts.

It tugs at my heart to think of how life just goes on. You may miss your uni days a lot, you may want to desperately cling on to your friends and play on, but gradually, one by one, you all get married. And life goes on from there. Much as you enjoyed the laughter and tears of being together, the party must end. The bonds may still persist but things will never be the same again. You are sad, yet you are entering a whole new world. (I now cannot fathom what is so nice about getting married, but I'm sure they are all excited about it =) It still aches my heart to just think of how happy times have to end. But at the end of the day, that's the way life is. Everyone has their own lives to lead and new happy memories to create, and it's good enough that you're glad it happened and cherish the memory, while making the utmost efforts to keep the bonds going strong.

Ok enough of the emotional mumbo jumbo, hahaz, time to whine. I was a little off form and blur today -_- Felt very embarrassed but remembered the positive attitude, and I promise I will focus more next time. And there were only four forwards today, and we played fifteen minutes with only like 1 minute of rest in between while the 9 defenders and centres happily changed and changed.. lol. Near the end I was panting like hell and walking on court and made oxygen-deprived passes to an imaginary tienfun into the centre, down the boards etc. LOL. Need to go for more night runs.. jio me if you're going!

I took a trip down bloggery lane and skimmed through the posts I'd made in the past. The most striking thing was how angsty I was towards floorball then. Inconfident, feeling lousy, angry at people, waning interest.

Things couldn't be more different now =) Though confidence is still not my strongest suit, I can feel that I am loads better off than before, and I'm also filled with renewed hope. The person I really want to thank is my IVP coach Jill.

Coach, it was you who orchestrated the initial stirrings of change in me. Reading people is your talent, and I'm sure you grasped in an instant that my biggest weakness is inconfidence. When I made a mistake on court and came out looking like I'd just recovered from the flu, you chided me but gave me just the right amount of encouragement to pick myself up and do better. When you noticed what I could do well, you gave me praise and brought attention to my strengths. You truly appreciated the talents in the team at your disposal, each and every one of us. You told us that winning is not everything and the journey mattered more - you made us believe this. And I did. With this principle guiding me like a beacon in the dark, I began to go into games wanting to play my utmost best, to fight till the very end because it was my duty, not to win the game. With my attitude adjusted, the pressures are gradually backing off and I'm beginning to calm down more in games. It's exciting to think of what I can do when I improve further.

And something else you said to the team, 'if you want to throw your temper, then don't play'. A succinct sentence, and wondrously impactful. It's as simple as that. I knew from then on how childish I had been in the past and I need to change, or I do not deserve to play at all.

I regret that I could not get the right words out for the compilation CD. I'm just not good at doing things when I'm made to do them. So here are my truly heartfelt words.

These days, I go for tempest training with a positive and teachable attitude. When I encounter tough situations, I remind myself that I'm not lousy and am here to learn. I've come a long way since half a year ago, one season changed it all..

Thank you.

A life of unfolded clothes piled up in pails.

A life of uncleaned floors and uncleared desks.

A life of unsettled debts and unfinished duties.

A life of uncontrolled eating and unneeded gorging.

A pathetic life.

True to my shallow and selfish spirit, the thing that gave me a huge jolt was how much weight I've gained so far. Seven freaking kgs. It's disgusting. I can't wear some of my clothes anymore and it's not funny. This self wreckage is totally not funny and it. must. stop. Tonight is the night I will start to change it. It all starts with intent. What got me into the hole will get me out of it.

It's been a lazy, boring and rather enjoyable sunday afternoon. Sundays at home have always been like this, but I never appreciated the beauty of them till I started working. To be able to sleep at 4 and wake up at 3, have a drink and read the papers at my own leisure while being served sushi by my brother HAHA.

Things weren't so rosy when I woke up. I didn't have pleasant dreams, which weren't nightmares either, but I guess they kept repeating themselves over and over throughout the night, and I did not know what the hell they meant and got pretty disturbed by them as the night wore on. It was such a feeling of unease and greyness when I woke up, which happens rather often. To sit up on my bed with my stomach wrecked by acid and my thoughts wrecked with confusion. Only after a couple of minutes of terror will I calm down and remind myself that all that matters is well.

And the nothingness of sunday has got me pondering, especially after I read ayeen's 14 feb post. I do not feel at home with what I'm doing now too. I guess I always knew it wasn't for me. Though I sincerely was interested in writing and advertising when I went for the interview, I did not get good vibes from the school even back then. I stood in the atrium and felt that it wasn't home. Many a time in my life, I have had senses about things that are not logical and practical. It's like a sixth sense about things and people, and even visions and dreams.

When I was young, I used to have visions about redhill mrt, and well it came true. At some undefined time, I also had the vision of driving on a rainy night along ECP, and also studying in some place that looks like NIE. There's that dilemma and here an answer to it. Deep down in my heart I know my visions somehow always come true. They are there in my dreams because they are precisely what my heart desires, albeit some are rather psychic at times. I have rode on a bus down the main street of shenton way and remember with a jolt that I've always felt that I wouldn't end up working there. Ambitious as I was when I was younger, I had the sense that I wouldn't.

There isn't a passion in my life except sports and to impact lives positively, but I'm not sure I would be able to cut it as a teacher really. I haven't grown up enough yet. But I will know what to do when the crunch time comes. Life's a gamble anyway, and for some, a journey of hits and misses. It doesn't hurt to try I guess.

Pain is only temporary. Passion immortal.

Valentine's Day, my ex relationship anniversary day, came and went. The ripples of hurt, if any, were minute. I finally understand the adage that time heals all wounds. But even if the blood has stopped gushing and the gaping skin is stitched, the scars will always remain. Scars need not be a bad thing, they can be a memory of happier times. I must say that I will be affected by this for as long as I live. The feelings and happenings, I will never forget. I still get haunted by bitter feelings now and then, there are some things I'm sad about, but on the whole, from the bottom of my heart, I'm glad we are still friends.

Cos it's a horrible thing to lose a friend. I made some mistakes in the past and paid for them. But that's the way my life works. Taste the highs then face the lows. I would rather be outstanding sometimes and bottom of the pack at others, rather than live an average life. I would rather love and be hurt, than not love at all. It happens again and again. I'm afraid of losing a friend right now, or perhaps I've already lost... please, I hope it doesn't go that way..

Happy Valentine's Day to all whom I love. My family, friends and etcetera. Thank you for being a part of my life. Even if there are those I love but do not love me, thanks too, haha.. you all make my life hmm, veronific.. Kinda a term for the way I would like my life to be =p



Had a great Valentine's Day with you girls. Though I ate till I felt like throwing up, as usual, steamboating is still fun! And I laughed at unglam photos of meiyin and weird looking couples walking around in bugis and ah chew desserts and god knows what other random unfunny stuff till my head hurt! Haha! Tons of floorball before that furthermore, my perfect Valentine's =)

I can now retreat to a comfortable resting place with a happily aching body and happily aching heart =)

I can't remember the last time I was this obsessed with floorball. All I can think and dream about is floorball, all I look forward to is floorball. Already trained twice this week and it's far from enough for me. I was super uber pissed when told that our morning slot has been overriden by tkd, and they would probably eat into the afternoon slot as well. Very twitchy and irritable about that. And I'm looking at sticks online with the intent of buying one even though i already have a stick. Omg I'm salivating and my heart is stirring. Haha. This is obsession. I have no other life. Maybe this is what you call passion.

Really enjoyed the two trainings I had this week, for different reasons. In tempest, I was introduced to things that I am extremely not familiar with and have avoided cos I can't do them. Like spinning and faking. And I also gotta get used to set playups and positioning, stuff I'm very raw at. So yes, challenges ahead, and life is more interesting this way. In storm, I spent most of my time being extra and then trying to show the juniors how to improve on their technique. It's a very good feeling =) And in storm games I got to play defender again, which I can't in tempest cos there are more defenders than forwards. Love passing the ball and being able to watch the play and well most of the time, running less =p

I'm looking forward to IH floorball very very much and please for the love of all mankind I hope it is on a saturday. Else there will be raining in my heart. Yes I'm obsessed.

Floorball next mon tue wed and I hope I don't die from happiness.

Current wants: a black player/volcano curve stick (no point getting a normal one since I already have a normal shaft) or a black elite air/super micro grip. 200 bucks or 20 bucks. Hmm...

Why is my birthday so far away... haha...

What I really want to say.
Can't be written on this card.
It's too small.
Oh that's just an excuse.
Truth is.
My heart's too small.
And weak.
Smiles.
Laminated by fear.
Rightful fear.
Aching to peel.
Smart enough not to.
Millions of others hurting just like me.
But how alone are we.
Something tore and something gave birth.
Something stripped and something flowed.
Something green against my skin.
It helped.
Very soon.
I'll need red blue and purple too.
Nothing may be enough too soon.
One little poisonous pea sowed.
I ate it and blood flowed.
Epidemic soon followed.
Half the village died.
Half moved away.
A few stayed.
But who are they?

I have pea disease. I am deadly. A shadow of my former self. I am killing the innocent. The beloved. Killing myself.

Goodbye seemed real for the first time last night.

It was the first time I didn't go for storm training and the late night supper with the girls. Quietly melancholic, that was how I felt. Frankly, I expected worse, but my predictions about how I would feel and the steeling and cementing of my emotions worked. I knew I would feel lonely, I knew I would feel yearning, I knew I would feel empty. So I prepared myself and reminded myself this is worth it, this is what I want.

And the niceness of the tempest girls (like all NTU floorballers are) also made it easier for me to settle in. It wasn't very awkward for me to train and play with them cos I have crashed trainings and even games before, so they at least know my name and face, know what position I play in. We had a friendly last night, against LMFC. The score wasn't very flattering, lol, it was almost ten goals to nothing. As a whole we're unprepared and rusty, but I'm hopeful. And I think I did well for my first official friendly. Remember making a few nice passes and had a few shots (albeit off target URGH), intercepted a few balls and made a few breakthroughs. I am rather happy playing with them and hope to correct my stupid habits asap so they will be happy playing with me too. lol.

Anyway I'm dozing off in office again, that's why I'm not doing proper work. I slept at 1 plus last night and apparently 5 hours is far from enough too. After two cups of tea and countless trips to the loo cos of its strong diuretic effect, I am still. nodding. off.

On a brighter note, we had a chinese new year lunch today and the food was tok kong! The yusheng was top-notch, tofu silky and eggy and fragrant, scallop (though I only had one smal piece) was juicy and springy and sweeeet, tomyam fish succulent and shiok, frog legs also succulent and shiok. As you can see I'm running out of goodfood adjectives =p But but but I missed out on my favourite desert, orh nee (yam paste) cos the staff said we would have to wait 10 minutes for it and my colleagues had to come back for a meeting. Wasted! I want to eat orh nee! Anyway I found the name of the restaurant rather cute - Por Kee. Porkee. Porkey. Porky! Hahaha..

After lunch we went to buy 4D and toto. The whole office shared one 4D ticket for fun, and I got roped into buying a 4 toto tickets, haha. And now the office auntie is making me LOL again, she's just really cute/funny . She suddenly started talking to herself: 'aiyo, very tired ah.' Then when no one answered her she went on: 'veron ni hui bu hui tired?' So I humored her and said: 'yeahhh I think we ate too much just now, haha.' Yep and she was humored, cos she gave a girly laugh and said: 'haha later on the bus I can sleep already. You know I also like to sleep on the bus leh.' This is just so HER.

Everyday she says random stuff and yesterday's was also classic. This is how it went...

Suddenly, she rose up from her cubicle and turned to me, saying: 'I like to eat this kind of oranges leh. I don't like to eat the other kind, the other kind not nice one.' And I am primed to give automatic answers to stuff like these and I said: 'oh, what kind is it that you like?'

Omg, kill me, it's not like I want to know, but I always humor her and end up having to endure more random information and nod my head and 'orhh' somemore. Haha, but I'm learning from my colleagues and will sometimes just do the 'oh, okay' or the mirthless laughter.

Okay, time for another skip to the loo.

I find the '25 random things about me' note going around facebook interesting and a good waste of time, but do not wish to publish it there. So here goes:

1. I have a huge thing for brown eyes, I can melt in them like ice-cream on a summer's day. I have gushed about it before, nothing new =p I don't like eyes that are too big, cos I think they are too honest-looking. And I find inner double eyelids and long eyelashes mesmerising.

2. I'm on my fourth life. I almost died by way of drowning in a sea off Thailand, getting smashed by a falling flower pot and getting run over by a steamroller-esque vehicle in chinatown.

3. I wanted to be a doctor when I was young but realised I was afraid of blood and internal organs and whatnot. I still squirm when I see operations with all those reddish squishy internal organs on TV. How can they show that man?! And always flashes unexpectedly in advertisements somemore.

4. I am intrigued by left-handers. I used to have a year-long crush on a secondary school classmate who was a left-hander, my ex bf was a left-hander, my dad is a left-hander.

5. The first channel I turn to when I switch on the TV is Discovery Travel and Living. Love cooking shows and travel shows, better still are food travel shows. It has bred a streak of wanderlust in me, and I would especially love to wander to Europe!

6. I am afraid of most animals except dogs. I used to love dogs so much that I read and re-read this 'Dog breed' book cover to cover till I could remember hundreds of breeds. I especially love big dogs like golden retrievers, collies, and huskies =) Haha, bet you didn't know I am afraid of almost anything else if they come too near me - fishes, birds, rabbits. Oh no please I hope they never touch me.

7. I absolutely love seafood and my ex bf was allergic to seafood. Haha.. talk about a bad match.

8. My dream house is a penthouse with full-length windows that overlook the big city lights from fifty storeys high. My other dream house also has full-length windows, one side overlooking the sea, one side overlooking rolling hills.

9. My idea of a perfect sunday is lying on the beach, playing with sand and soaking my feet in the sea. I could sit and watch the ebb and flow of the waves for hours at end. It's just so natural and beautiful, and peaceful too. When the waves crash in they seemingly want to cling on to the shore, failing everytime. Yet they calmly continue, again and again, in a rhythm that seems to say 'let it be, let it be'.

10. I wanna go to Labrador Park and go into the old tunnels of Pasir Panjang Fort.

11. I always read before I sleep, even when I'm already tired. It's like a ritual that doesn't take a day off unless I'm half-dead.

12. I smoke, drink, gamble and do drugs. Well I have to smoke about what I learn about drug regulation, it's my job, haha.

13. I can't cut straight. I'm just a total loser with a pair of scissors.

14. I have a hyperacidic stomach which I make use of from time to time when I need an MC to pon quizzes. But it's improving and I'm turning to everyone else's old standby now, the headache.

15. I enjoy eating out, jogging, and going to the movies alone.

16. I've been thinking of getting a tattoo for some time now but I'm afraid my parents will knock out, or knock ME out and transport me somwhere to get it removed.

17. I love rain. Yet another thing that I'm so obsessed about I've blogged about it before. I liked it when the skies darkened and the whole corridor in school got cast in the shadow of the clouds, when the winds would rustle the leaves and carry them in swirls. Then come the descending droplets from above. To me it's magic.

18. I was born a catholic and went to sunday school with all the KC girls and St Pat's boys for 10 years. When you're a kid its quite fun, but it became a total burden as I grew older and started to have my own ideas. I am now a free-thinker leaning towards atheism. I simply believe in karma.

19. I want to lay my butt on whatever rollercoaster I can lay my butt on. But I have a phobia of viking ships.

20. I'm a pillow-whore. I have a head pillow, a leg pillow, a hard bolster, a soft bolster, and some kind of small pillow or soft-toy. Ideally along with a queen-sized bed and quilt.

21. I wish to own a sleek black car and drive it along ECP on a rainy night with the one I love. I always have visions of this and I know it'll happen one day.

22. I'm a sucker for the hand-written card, hand-made present, goouttamyway to surprise you kinda person. Who's intelligent and insightful and witty and sporty too. Haha.. Even if I make these choices on a high-tech machine for a robot like this, it may not be able to produce it =p

23. I just went to the toilet at my workplace and saw those two guys I think are hmm, not bad. One can speak nice cantonese and the other has nice stubble. They both look to be in their thirties and hold high positions. Not bad not bad. Haha.

24. I used to play the electone, guitar and tried to play on a saxophone my brother brought home for me. I wanna self-learn the piano and guitar again cos I think playing an instrument with feeling can be a very rewarding experience. Especially since I have so much emotion to let out.

25. The idea of working in the private sector is not appealing to me. Cos I cannot accept toiling my life away to earn money for a company. I need to do something meaningful. It reminds me of a quote that goes something like this - 'when you are gone, it doesn't matter how much you achieved, how much you earned.' What I would like to see when I look back on my life, is how many people I have impacted in positive ways, how many souls I have made happy.

I break just a little bit, when the key is found, but I can't unlock.
I break just a little bit, when the thorns have smoothed, but I can't pluck.
I break just a little bit, when the shackles have loosened, but I can't reach.
I break just a little bit, when the blindfold has slipped, but I can't see.
I break just a little bit, when the hands are off my throat, but I can't sing.
I break just a little bit, when the windows are cleaned, but I see grey.
I break just a little bit, when the cast is off, but I can't walk.
I break just a little bit, when I see you there, but I can't talk.

Little by little, bit by bit, I am left with nothing.

Chained by me and you.

b r o k e n .

One day, I dug a hole for myself. I didn't expect it at all, but I suddenly picked up the shovel and saw myself digging slowly. Then I dug furiously, harder and harder, with no objective, no outcome. I threw myself into the hole and crept into it, deeper and deeper, till the earth above fell down upon me.

Now I can't come out.

There is no reprieve, no shining light from above, no escape tunnel from under.

Day does not exist here, only night, and the coldness and loneliness it brings. It is a land of nightmares, of aches, of hurt, of confusion.

I sit around all day and wonder what is wrong with me. I gorge on whatever shit comes my way. I can't figure out why I can't get out.

I only know one thing. No one will save me. I can't count on anyone. I can't trust anyone.

Someday, somehow, someway, I'll have to find the strength to venture into the daylight once more.