I hate hate hate pms. Cos it makes me use the word hate. Three times over.

Arghhhh sometimes it really pisses me off why women have all this nonsense to bear with. Not to mention the cramps which are already creeping in on me, and susceptibility to UTI and bloating due to water retention, I just become extra irritable to people especially those closest to me, when pms comes around! It already feels awful to feel angry on perfectly happy days, then I end up hating myself for it. Cannot stand it. Arghhhhhh. So happy to have this avenue to say all of this out. Or else I'd feel so much more lost and helpless and angry.

I went to watch inception today. I went into the theatre irritable but came out happy cos my mind was boggled with so much till it forgot to be angry. Though it's confusing, I'll have to say I liked it. How can you not like a movie that makes you forget your anger right! Had frog leg porridge and tofu and bbq chicken wings for dinner... satisfying :)) sounds like a very good day right? Yes it really was, but I got moody after dinner again, that's why I hate hate hate myself and thus pms so much.

Wish there was something I could do to limit its horrible effects. Only thing I can think of is more exercise. Speaking of exercise, I've been crippled from doing it for the past few weeks cos of muscle strains then flu. Sian. Not even sure if I should train tomorrow. But the general idea about that is there won't be ntu courts for the next month, and why not train there while I still can. The school should really be compensating our bookings of outside courts, cos the (measly) facilities that we paid miscellaneous fees to ntu for, won't be available to us for one month. It's only fair that the school help us, no? No word about that till now.

Floorball, floorball. Sigh. Period of great confusion where mouths are shut when they should be open.

better than them
better thru love
better in time

It's yet another painful episode at 'home'. Received another unreasonable session that's left me with a heart that's beating far too fast and tears rolling down my face. I am freaking helpless as to what to do anymore. I can't escape out every single day isn't it, I'll run out of places to go. But almost every time when I'm home when he returns, I end up like this. Wouldn't it be better if I'm somewhere outside suffering, rather than the extremely ironical situation of being hurt in one's own home.

I hate this but I don't know what to do anymore. Tolerate? How do I stop my heart from racing in the wrong direction and for the wrong reasons? Breathe deeper? Close my eyes? Remind myself not to be affected by rubbish?

And when things like this happen, I am reminded of why my personality sucks. Cos I grew up watching all of this nonsense, being unsatisfactory human beings, being filthy bad tempered accusatory hypocrites. How do you feel confident about yourself when every little wrong move would earn you a beating? How do you feel confident about suggesting ideas and speaking up when all you get is a shutup and an ignorance of your ideas when they are explicitly asked for? How do you channel your anger in more positive ways when you see furniture being thrown about, family members strangled and beaten up... heck, how do you even stop yourself from being angry at trivial things, when an 8 year old child can get beaten up just for dropping a piece of apple on the ground?

Seriously sometimes I just hate myself. My stupid bad temper and mean descriptions of people. And then I find someplace to blame. Last night the examples fell so conveniently to me again. The whole so-called family was watching the world cup match and they just insulted and insulted players in illogical ways that I was fuming in my seat.

I'm already heartened by other positive aspects, but the mistakes I make never fail to haunt me, beating my self esteem even lower as I fear rejection by people as a result. Of course, there is that neverending strife to improve. Though here and there rotten things always happen and hamper my progress.

And as of now I have no idea how to help myself, except tolerance avoidance and hopes for a positive posting so I'm getting out of this place for good.

Lesson for today:
NO scolding people
NO beating people
NO insulting people
NO talking in bad tempered ways
NO blackface

Something dirty must have found its way into my stomach again. Pain and mild diarrhoea yesterday, and persisting nausea today. I didn't really notice that I tend to get stomach pains often until someone pointed it out to me. Already know that I easily get gastric and acid reflux, the whole stomach issue is quite worrying. Western medicine can't produce a cure, only remedies for its symptoms, looks like I've to look to chinese medicine for some help. First piece of advice I got was to stop eating spicy food, which is already super tough! Argh. But I better have some discipline before something bad really happens. Less chilli please. Oh on a sidenote no garlic chilli when meeting people cos it'll make the mouth stink hahaha.

Rather saddd that Germany lost to Spain in the world cup yesterday. I started out liking both these sides but Spain have been under fire and the attractive Germans have stolen my heart. Though the statistics still show that Spain have the better players and chances, sometimes hard facts don't attract you, results do. So I ended up rooting for the Germans, who were ultimately too afraid of the opposition, played too defensive and lost to a single goal from a corner. Though technically inferior, I wish they took abit more risk, hmph. Still, hoping they put up another strong fight for 3rd place!

Wonder how our feelings can become so attached to these sports teams we support. How the outcomes that have no real bearings on our lives (betting aside) can alter our moods so much. Perhaps we admire some players and teams so much that we feel sad and wasted when they lose. Perhaps we just don't like to be 'wrong' and simply want our choice team to win.

During the last training I felt super sian cos my line let in goal after goal against our own teammates. Though it wasn't directly my fault, I felt I could have done better, and just hated the feeling of being in the losing team. I have become a sore loser. Goodness. And I am ashamed of myself. Must remind myself to stop this arrogance and humbly continue working to improve. I must learn to lose all over again.

Training today was much better. Somehow the change in position from defender to playmaker returned a little form back to me. Felt the line worked pretty well together and could link up with all of them.

Have a very irritating thigh and butt strain again though. Hate it. Must really be more careful with the warm up, jog slowly first before running, make light passes before throwing my weight down. Speaking of which, I need to lose weight, maybe all that heavy weight is causing strain to the muscles. Ok it most likely is. Haha. Now there is a concrete reason.

It's 3am and my previously acceptable body clock is now haywire again. Oh well the world cup only happens once every four years.

The way my nerves and arteries are being punished like this. I am intensely worried for my health. And I've long since stopped complaining cos it'll just bring heartbreak for those unable to help me in any way. I don't understand what is wrong with them. And what is it with me that hates it so much.