the brain is powerful, all powerful. just a little spark, a little thought from it can trigger a slew of physical reactions. just a case in point, a lurching puking feeling, a sinking ache in the chest, and two tears, one from the edge of each eye.
my dear friends tell me time and again, DISCIPLINE. why couldn't i do it?
it's so comforting and refreshing when someone talks to you out of the blue, someone who actually understands. someone who's encouraging and positive. someone who needs my support as much as i need hers. thanks sister rai :)
I went off @
12:12 PM
Saturday, February 27, 2010
the only thing that would ease the agony is the exact thing to make it worse, this is taking every ounce of strength i have, to erase those words, to shut that window, to stop myself.
I went off @
11:11 AM
I've not been to my staircase landing in a long time... something drew me towards it today, and i started to tear...
If you were offered a loyal, unselfish love, would you take it up? If the person offering it was too terrible in some aspects, maybe not, I guess.
when you need a shoulder to cry on
when you need a friend to rely on
when the whole world is gone
you won't be alone, cos I'll be there
I went off @
10:34 AM
If you were offered a loyal, unselfish love, would you take it up? If the person offering it was too terrible in some aspects, maybe not, I guess.
when you need a shoulder to cry on
when you need a friend to rely on
when the whole world is gone
you won't be alone, cos I'll be there
I have now no expectations for myself except to control my temper during floorball. What's the use of having such high expectations for skill and performance, when I can't keep my cool. Aim for tomorrow is not to be affected by unfair referee decisions, continue to be positive when I miss stuff, and just don't shout.
I went off @
7:19 AM
here commences the daily battle not to talk to you...
life can be so binding sometimes...
we can't be who we really are...
who we really want to be...
I went off @
6:55 AM
life can be so binding sometimes...
we can't be who we really are...
who we really want to be...
Friday, February 26, 2010
Still looking through my blog while waiting for clothes to wash, and gosh there are so many misleading entries. That are actually talking about someone else but could be easily mistaken for another, or some that mean two or more people, and some whereby its totally unexpected. To me that's the beauty of it, but I also don't want to unwittingly hurt people.. so, you've been warned! :)
I've found the post I was looking for, and sigh what can I say there was a distraction at that time, and many things I said were unfair and bitter. And I found another post that triggered off the latest chain of events. It was pretty bad haha, and less mature than the year before. They have something in common, December. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's Christmas, there's something about it that makes me...
I went off @
11:52 AM
I've found the post I was looking for, and sigh what can I say there was a distraction at that time, and many things I said were unfair and bitter. And I found another post that triggered off the latest chain of events. It was pretty bad haha, and less mature than the year before. They have something in common, December. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's Christmas, there's something about it that makes me...
I was searching through my blog for something I wrote a long time ago. I couldn't find it, but had a quick journey through my emotions for the past two years. Well I realized that most months, somehow there'd be some kind of reminisce. It was ok, I wasn't really sad. But the words tell no lies, that was how I felt, how I missed. I also saw how terribly sad I was at other situations that were unfolding, at things I couldn't control. But I got over them pretty quickly.
I felt so lucky to be sitting in my aircon room at 3pm reading through how I suffered through the longest 6 months of my life - internship. How each month dragged on so slowly and how painful the agony was. I worried about full time work, but well it'll be different, it'll be better.
The nerves in my brain connecting words and sentences and memory are faulty today. I feel so unnatural forming sentences, and I had a hard time writing my fyp today. Wasted alot of time finding ways to say things to no avail! That section still has alot of language cleaning up to do, but its a good achievement for the afternoon :)
Tempest training last night, first one in NTU for a very very long time, was good! :) I was kinda affected by the alcohol still coursing through my blood, and my kindaaa down mood. But my mood somehow improved alot the moment we started playing :) endorphins rock! Panted like a mad dog again yesterday, but still it was very fun! Frivolous it might be, the funny and relaxed atmosphere was something I enjoyed. It may be a little tricky when there are days whereby I feel we should be taking things more seriously and try to do better, but so far I'm loving it. I guess things will change when the league is nearer.
IHG floorball.. bahh I can do much better. Have problems linking up with the non-floorball players, and though I can see tingyi and intended to pass to him, the passes was mostly abit off from him! grr.. and I kept shooting to a comfortable height for an experienced goalie to save. Shoot low next time! I'll do better tomorrow.
It's one of those writer's block days! Hope its a one-off please, my life would be so much duller without emowriting.
I went off @
10:40 AM
I felt so lucky to be sitting in my aircon room at 3pm reading through how I suffered through the longest 6 months of my life - internship. How each month dragged on so slowly and how painful the agony was. I worried about full time work, but well it'll be different, it'll be better.
The nerves in my brain connecting words and sentences and memory are faulty today. I feel so unnatural forming sentences, and I had a hard time writing my fyp today. Wasted alot of time finding ways to say things to no avail! That section still has alot of language cleaning up to do, but its a good achievement for the afternoon :)
Tempest training last night, first one in NTU for a very very long time, was good! :) I was kinda affected by the alcohol still coursing through my blood, and my kindaaa down mood. But my mood somehow improved alot the moment we started playing :) endorphins rock! Panted like a mad dog again yesterday, but still it was very fun! Frivolous it might be, the funny and relaxed atmosphere was something I enjoyed. It may be a little tricky when there are days whereby I feel we should be taking things more seriously and try to do better, but so far I'm loving it. I guess things will change when the league is nearer.
IHG floorball.. bahh I can do much better. Have problems linking up with the non-floorball players, and though I can see tingyi and intended to pass to him, the passes was mostly abit off from him! grr.. and I kept shooting to a comfortable height for an experienced goalie to save. Shoot low next time! I'll do better tomorrow.
It's one of those writer's block days! Hope its a one-off please, my life would be so much duller without emowriting.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
the sweet, wet pain, simmering on a summer's night..
I went off @
12:47 PM
You'll forever be the girls who broke my heart, who snapped my spine. Pushed the line of success further and further away from me. As you hover above me on a pedestal in your huge metal boots, sucking on a lollipop and looking smug. I gaze in agony at your good fortunes, your talents. And wonder where are mine. I'm just a despised insect, a good-for-nothing. I have ambitions and dreams but nothing to take me there. On and on you stamp on my broken body with your cruel metal boots. My feelers have already fallen apart, my body cracked open, insides smearing out. Have you ever felt bad at all, or are you chemically incapable of feeling so? Are your boots too thick? Could you ever hear the desperate beat of my weakened heart, crying out for you to stop?
I know that my resilient heart is still somewhere out there on the sidewalk, you failed to stomp it dry. I'm gonna rebuild a body around it and come back stronger and better. I'm sorry I ever held it against you for being successful, for being talented, for being lucky. It's all a matter of my own issues of insecurity and jealousy. People who find their niches early aren't the only ones who are talented or successful. It may take me a longer time but I'll surpass all my expectations, I will.
I went off @
2:20 AM
I know that my resilient heart is still somewhere out there on the sidewalk, you failed to stomp it dry. I'm gonna rebuild a body around it and come back stronger and better. I'm sorry I ever held it against you for being successful, for being talented, for being lucky. It's all a matter of my own issues of insecurity and jealousy. People who find their niches early aren't the only ones who are talented or successful. It may take me a longer time but I'll surpass all my expectations, I will.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
This revolution played its course, there were some friction and sparks, but I'll be ok :)
I went off @
1:01 PM
My ears are temporarily deafened, my head yearns to be supported by a pillow, I just want to sleep. Don't really like house music that much, the thought of it is giving me a headache. But I can't go to bed before first occupying myself with things, and at least talking to someone... and there's really sister online at this time, when I really need someone. My life is filled with angels :)
my life is one filled with sadness, but not hate
of bitterness I must admit, but not ill will
I went off @
12:37 PM
my life is one filled with sadness, but not hate
of bitterness I must admit, but not ill will
the only thing that makes sense now, the only thing that helps... HE JUST WASN'T THAT INTO YOU... not as much as the others before nor after. and that's the sad fact, please accept it.
I went off @
3:56 AM
I didn't know the quiz was not mcq, it was 10 one word answers and 3 short essays. In a better time and place I would have aimed for top marks, knowing that I could do it. But in this bitter climate, even recognizing the words on the paper and garnering a pass is sufficient.
Had a long-time-coming nap from 12 to 6, having not slept the night before. The sleep was so deep and worry-free that I woke up lost and unconscious of the time and environment. I even thought I had overslept next morning's class. And in the next few seconds the sickening reality began to settle down on my consciousness. I was whacked, desperate, depressed, I wanted to cry again, but till now the big bawling hasn't even occured yet. Supposed to do up somemore fyp shit before I go clubbing later. But there is seriously no mood. The slowly setting sun and lack of evening sunshine is doing nothing to help matters.
I should have known better that it would happen like before, for all my intelligence and foresight, for all I knew, my heart refused to take advice. And now it's paying the price.
I went off @
2:52 AM
Had a long-time-coming nap from 12 to 6, having not slept the night before. The sleep was so deep and worry-free that I woke up lost and unconscious of the time and environment. I even thought I had overslept next morning's class. And in the next few seconds the sickening reality began to settle down on my consciousness. I was whacked, desperate, depressed, I wanted to cry again, but till now the big bawling hasn't even occured yet. Supposed to do up somemore fyp shit before I go clubbing later. But there is seriously no mood. The slowly setting sun and lack of evening sunshine is doing nothing to help matters.
I should have known better that it would happen like before, for all my intelligence and foresight, for all I knew, my heart refused to take advice. And now it's paying the price.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
We're like black and white, but deep down we're not that different at all. I hear your words, and I hear your heart too.
I went off @
8:31 PM
Have you ever opened the dressing of a wound, knowing it would hurt, knowing the blood would flow, and all the headway you had made in healing is compromised again?
That's exactly what I did.
Sometimes I think people simply have a perverse need to cause themselves pain, or perhaps they were hopeful that opening up the dressing could lead to a cure and some unexpected good fortune. Whatever the reasons, most of the times a combination of everything, it's killing me again. My wounds are rotting, my insides are turning to mush, I feel a great, great need to cry all my heart out but I've to go to a test in 15 minutes so I guess my tears will have to wait a couple of hours. I am so terribly sad right now, but still I managed to read through the slides of my test, and I applaud myself for that. I somehow managed to momentarily ignore the stabbing pains and engage in some reading, I managed to conduct myself in a few instances of stellar acting, I looked at the positives. At a darker period, I simply would not have been able to bring myself to do anything at all, and just moan, weep, give up all my studies like nothing mattered. I wondered when the defences around my heart would come crashing down again, and now it has, fallen from grace and smashed to pieces.
Because of my foolishness, I may be sad and bitter and it'll take alot of effort to pull myself together again, but right now, I really wanna be a better version of myself that I can be. I owe it to myself to, and myself owes it to my love for you.
hope doesn't mean anything
sometimes its all you have
and sometimes its all you need
I went off @
4:56 PM
That's exactly what I did.
Sometimes I think people simply have a perverse need to cause themselves pain, or perhaps they were hopeful that opening up the dressing could lead to a cure and some unexpected good fortune. Whatever the reasons, most of the times a combination of everything, it's killing me again. My wounds are rotting, my insides are turning to mush, I feel a great, great need to cry all my heart out but I've to go to a test in 15 minutes so I guess my tears will have to wait a couple of hours. I am so terribly sad right now, but still I managed to read through the slides of my test, and I applaud myself for that. I somehow managed to momentarily ignore the stabbing pains and engage in some reading, I managed to conduct myself in a few instances of stellar acting, I looked at the positives. At a darker period, I simply would not have been able to bring myself to do anything at all, and just moan, weep, give up all my studies like nothing mattered. I wondered when the defences around my heart would come crashing down again, and now it has, fallen from grace and smashed to pieces.
Because of my foolishness, I may be sad and bitter and it'll take alot of effort to pull myself together again, but right now, I really wanna be a better version of myself that I can be. I owe it to myself to, and myself owes it to my love for you.
hope doesn't mean anything
sometimes its all you have
and sometimes its all you need
Monday, February 22, 2010
when love is new
and the world is out reaching for you
we try hard to hold it all
in our hands
but it slips through like soft drifting sand
and drying the tears
can build it all like new
now and forever
remember the words from my heart
will always be true
now and forever
together and all that i feel
is my love for you
I went off @
11:37 AM
and the world is out reaching for you
we try hard to hold it all
in our hands
but it slips through like soft drifting sand
and drying the tears
can build it all like new
now and forever
remember the words from my heart
will always be true
now and forever
together and all that i feel
is my love for you
We wrote a chapter in the book of seasides and stars. It may not have been the right thing to do, but still it's happened, it's written, and forever will be. Cherished and yearned for.
I have issues being alone just minutes after fun, people-filled gatherings, the stark contrast is just too much for me to take. It's like a rainbow bubble filled with euphoria just burst, and all of a sudden, all that happiness is gone. And I've fallen out of that enclave and fall prey to the helpless pull of gravity, plummeting to the ground alone. Sometimes I feel so lucky that, whenever I'm falling down, there's just someone somehow to carry me through.
I can feel so many emotions for the same thing, same people, very very contrasting emotions sometimes. I wonder if its normal, or am I especially hypocritical, schizophrenic or extremely, unnaturally empathetic.
I went off @
11:28 AM
I have issues being alone just minutes after fun, people-filled gatherings, the stark contrast is just too much for me to take. It's like a rainbow bubble filled with euphoria just burst, and all of a sudden, all that happiness is gone. And I've fallen out of that enclave and fall prey to the helpless pull of gravity, plummeting to the ground alone. Sometimes I feel so lucky that, whenever I'm falling down, there's just someone somehow to carry me through.
I can feel so many emotions for the same thing, same people, very very contrasting emotions sometimes. I wonder if its normal, or am I especially hypocritical, schizophrenic or extremely, unnaturally empathetic.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
lonely is a lonely word
I went off @
1:03 PM
At times, the thought of sacrificing my ability to have kids to have a pms-free and cramp-free life has flitted through my head. Of course, I know its nonsense. But just think about it, that's discounting so so many days of unnerving discomfort that I bet few other people would ever understand. Make that half of all human life, simply because they had the fortune to be born male. Make that another half of the women who have an easier time. So it's just the rest of us around who know the crippling, draining, mind-boggling effects the monthly cycle does to our bodies. It's not just cramps, also weird pressures, back pains, fake urges to go to the toilet, leg aches, diarrhoea sometimes... It isn't that bad when it's regular, but this time, when it was 3 weeks overdue, I could feel all the life and energy in my body being trapped in my cave of pain, stewing and simmering and taking its time to unleash its full prowess. The cramps started 7 days ago, it was the sort of pain that I thought heralded the release the very next day, but on and on it went. As the flow-date crept nearer I started to feel giddy and weak, and partaking in physical exercise made my muscles and stomach alike ache with the power of a powerful acid. Oh and yes, I'm also hit by the legendary mood swings sometimes. I would suddenly shout at inappropriate moments then apologize profusely, and in the last ten minutes I sat in solitude and just cried, a bout of tears that I knew scrunched my face into a pathetic, 12-month old baby state, finding solace in the groans that I couldn't help letting out. I read a passage of words and... cried. I thought of how it was already 4-odd in the morning and I'm no closer to getting to sleep, how it would be difficult cos it would still hurt even as I lay in bed. How much harder this pain would make my nightly battles in bed to fall asleep. When similar sufferers told me how unfair it was to be a woman and endure all this, I would always say that this makes us stronger, it invokes us with a power only we have. I really would like to tell this to myself too. I'm doing the best I can, applying heat externally and internally, avoiding the medicine unless it's really necessary. I guess I feel inadequate in many areas of my life right now, and writing about things really lets off the steam.
I went off @
12:36 PM
honesty... is such a lonely word
everyone is so untrue
honesty... is hardly ever heard
and mostly what i need from you
I went off @
12:15 PM
everyone is so untrue
honesty... is hardly ever heard
and mostly what i need from you
How bad it is when you come home each week and certainly get a scolding. How nice it is when it is really your fault, because for once, you can apologize and try to do something about it. I used an exceeded 227 smses last month, and got told off by sms, phone and scolded in person. With 5 cents an sms it actually amounts to $11, wow. Gotta be careful from now on.
My saturday did not start off well too, hailed a taxi to tempest training cos I couldn't stand the idea of public transport there. Taking 10 or 31 is like a nostalgic nosedive and I'd probably turn up at training giddy and disoriented, and waiting for the darn 11 at kallang is so futile it just turns me off. So I decided on cabbing since the new KPE meant that I could get there in maybe $9? But very unfortunately, I kena-ed a cheaterbug/clueless taxi driver who firstly suggested ECP (instead of the obviously shorter PIE or KPE), didn't know how to get to KPE, then missed the KPE turning. I was on a lookout but the sign came too late! And I didn't open my eyes enough when my parents drive there, learned my lesson now :/ The darn driver took me on a 12 dollar, dizzying trip past mount vernon, joo seng, aljunied, with countless traffic lights. So I felt terrible when I came into training, also already not very well cos of the beer the night before and the pms pains and hockey aches! Like all trainings at valhall, wasn't too good, can't control as well and kept mis-passing :( And so clumsy that I stepped on the ball twice and almost did a couple more times, till I became a laughing stock haha.. Managed a few good intercepts and controls, just feel sooo bad to my running linesmates when I mispass, and my weakness in running into positions. But like all floorball sessions, was a good workout and still fun :)
After training, I was prepared to have a restful day at home, but even better that xl asked if I'd like to join the committee meeting cum outing, kite flying at marina barrage. Was fun! I agreed to go cos there'd be sisters, so confirm fun! Haha.. I managed to get ain's 'damaged-by-xl' kite quite high up at first. Then suddenly I couldn't, haha, not sure if it's lucky at first or the kite just got progressively more unflyable the more I tried. But kite-flying is an unexpected, forgotten pastime that I wouldn't mind doing again :)
As we passed the marina area, I recalled how my family had been there maybe 15 years ago. Can't remember if it was a regular weekend activity or a once-off. But there hasn't been any family recreational activities since my dad became a taxi driver 15 years ago. There are no off days and everyday you don't drive you still have to pay the rent. For someone practical like him, taking day offs wasn't an option, plus we really need the money. Though taxi drivers don't have to face colleagues and bosses, it's an irritating job cos there'd be time and petrol wasted searching for passengers everyday. And if you happen to be unlucky that day, there goes your livelihood. Not to mention the fatigue from being behind the wheel all day. That's why I think, the bad-tempered should never become a taxi driver. There's no avenue at work, no subordinates or students to let out the anger and show some authority over and feel good about yourself. And the sometimes excruciating bad mood from working all day and not having good earnings can take it's toll on everyone. It seeps through the front door like a toxic fume and destroys us when it hits us, destroying us from inside out.
That said, family problems can make my heart beat ever so hurtfully and angrily in my chest, but at the end of the day all is forgiven.
All in all a great weekend, ktv and our favorite german bar on friday, floorball and kite-flying and sistering on saturday, picnic and atas buffet on sunday!
KTV was loooong time coming and so FUNny, haven't been out with cindy for so long (ZzZZzeng) and haven't heard the orignial 你的爱还在不在 for months. And I love singing with May Lim somehow, maybe our range and volume is similar, and you won't blame me when I obviously dunno the song that well and sing wrong hahah.. the pointing up and down works wonders btw.. German bar was good too, I can never say no to a good beer, and though cindy came sooo late, it was worth it! I'm glad I stayed :)
Happy that I could make it for tempest picnic too, grace's potato salad is very good! Very generous with the egg and bacon and mayo mix was good, but she's too bhb so we had to say that the potato came in too big pieces (room for improvement) haha. We played daidee for a while and there were serious accusations of soak cheating cos her cards are ALWAYS good hahah.. first time I see soak so show-off, in the way she played and proclaiming that yeahh that's what they play when they wait for cells to grow! Nice mix of food there, had old chang kee, bengawan solo, DIY sausages-japanese cucumber-pineapple (demanded by grace and prepared by soak's maid), grace's soggy-looking fruit salad that no one dared to touch at first, tuna and crackers, chocolates, jelly, chips etc.. I felt a little sad that it clashed with my buffet and I had to keep shuffling cards whenever I felt the urge to eat more haha.
Now it's a sunday night and I've been chatting all night, ignoring any work that I might have to do. Just one more week and it's the break cmon! :)
I went off @
4:42 AM
My saturday did not start off well too, hailed a taxi to tempest training cos I couldn't stand the idea of public transport there. Taking 10 or 31 is like a nostalgic nosedive and I'd probably turn up at training giddy and disoriented, and waiting for the darn 11 at kallang is so futile it just turns me off. So I decided on cabbing since the new KPE meant that I could get there in maybe $9? But very unfortunately, I kena-ed a cheaterbug/clueless taxi driver who firstly suggested ECP (instead of the obviously shorter PIE or KPE), didn't know how to get to KPE, then missed the KPE turning. I was on a lookout but the sign came too late! And I didn't open my eyes enough when my parents drive there, learned my lesson now :/ The darn driver took me on a 12 dollar, dizzying trip past mount vernon, joo seng, aljunied, with countless traffic lights. So I felt terrible when I came into training, also already not very well cos of the beer the night before and the pms pains and hockey aches! Like all trainings at valhall, wasn't too good, can't control as well and kept mis-passing :( And so clumsy that I stepped on the ball twice and almost did a couple more times, till I became a laughing stock haha.. Managed a few good intercepts and controls, just feel sooo bad to my running linesmates when I mispass, and my weakness in running into positions. But like all floorball sessions, was a good workout and still fun :)
After training, I was prepared to have a restful day at home, but even better that xl asked if I'd like to join the committee meeting cum outing, kite flying at marina barrage. Was fun! I agreed to go cos there'd be sisters, so confirm fun! Haha.. I managed to get ain's 'damaged-by-xl' kite quite high up at first. Then suddenly I couldn't, haha, not sure if it's lucky at first or the kite just got progressively more unflyable the more I tried. But kite-flying is an unexpected, forgotten pastime that I wouldn't mind doing again :)
As we passed the marina area, I recalled how my family had been there maybe 15 years ago. Can't remember if it was a regular weekend activity or a once-off. But there hasn't been any family recreational activities since my dad became a taxi driver 15 years ago. There are no off days and everyday you don't drive you still have to pay the rent. For someone practical like him, taking day offs wasn't an option, plus we really need the money. Though taxi drivers don't have to face colleagues and bosses, it's an irritating job cos there'd be time and petrol wasted searching for passengers everyday. And if you happen to be unlucky that day, there goes your livelihood. Not to mention the fatigue from being behind the wheel all day. That's why I think, the bad-tempered should never become a taxi driver. There's no avenue at work, no subordinates or students to let out the anger and show some authority over and feel good about yourself. And the sometimes excruciating bad mood from working all day and not having good earnings can take it's toll on everyone. It seeps through the front door like a toxic fume and destroys us when it hits us, destroying us from inside out.
That said, family problems can make my heart beat ever so hurtfully and angrily in my chest, but at the end of the day all is forgiven.
All in all a great weekend, ktv and our favorite german bar on friday, floorball and kite-flying and sistering on saturday, picnic and atas buffet on sunday!
KTV was loooong time coming and so FUNny, haven't been out with cindy for so long (ZzZZzeng) and haven't heard the orignial 你的爱还在不在 for months. And I love singing with May Lim somehow, maybe our range and volume is similar, and you won't blame me when I obviously dunno the song that well and sing wrong hahah.. the pointing up and down works wonders btw.. German bar was good too, I can never say no to a good beer, and though cindy came sooo late, it was worth it! I'm glad I stayed :)
Happy that I could make it for tempest picnic too, grace's potato salad is very good! Very generous with the egg and bacon and mayo mix was good, but she's too bhb so we had to say that the potato came in too big pieces (room for improvement) haha. We played daidee for a while and there were serious accusations of soak cheating cos her cards are ALWAYS good hahah.. first time I see soak so show-off, in the way she played and proclaiming that yeahh that's what they play when they wait for cells to grow! Nice mix of food there, had old chang kee, bengawan solo, DIY sausages-japanese cucumber-pineapple (demanded by grace and prepared by soak's maid), grace's soggy-looking fruit salad that no one dared to touch at first, tuna and crackers, chocolates, jelly, chips etc.. I felt a little sad that it clashed with my buffet and I had to keep shuffling cards whenever I felt the urge to eat more haha.
Now it's a sunday night and I've been chatting all night, ignoring any work that I might have to do. Just one more week and it's the break cmon! :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
Chinese new year is a conflicting time. On one hand, you get to have a long break from school and go home sweet home and enjoy all the new year goodies. On the other hand you have to witness all the frayed threads of the extended family, all the underground fighting and puppet shows being put up. I'm not feeling very happy about this long weekend cos there is alot of schoolwork for me to do, have to revise german and complete an online quiz by saturday, and have to come up with the management interviews. And if I really want to be hardworking, there is also fyp to be completed by monday night. SsSssigh. I hope I'm really free on tuesday night so I can go cny visiting at bin's and see her very very cute golden retriever Bagel!!! I have a weakness for golden retrievers, nothing else can make me swoon and gush so much :)
Though the prospects of chinese new year are not very bright, its a good time for me to leave hall and escape home. Hall, where I'm getting unhappy with the facilities and the goings-on. At least when I'm home, I won't be alone.
I went off @
2:09 AM
Though the prospects of chinese new year are not very bright, its a good time for me to leave hall and escape home. Hall, where I'm getting unhappy with the facilities and the goings-on. At least when I'm home, I won't be alone.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
alone again, naturally
I went off @
9:58 AM
There are certain situations and people, you're just not happy with, and there's no clear reason why. It's a farked up thing when you wake up from your sleep at 1pm cos you couldn't hear the morning alarm, and there are tons of messages on your phone and more than half of them (5 out of 6) have nothing to do with you. It's that perennial problem, it's never about you. Know how awful that feels?
I know where I stand, and I take it with a pinch of salt. It even makes me feel happy to be away from the clutches. On the other hand, I'm trying too, but I'm so sorry almost everything that is said, almost everything that I see, makes me moody. And as for that, I don't really know why. The problem lies with me.
I don't even know how to put across my thoughts anymore, they're so messed up and conflicting and angry that I can't pen them down. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna look for my beloved floorball stick, I think it'll understand me.
I went off @
8:16 AM
I know where I stand, and I take it with a pinch of salt. It even makes me feel happy to be away from the clutches. On the other hand, I'm trying too, but I'm so sorry almost everything that is said, almost everything that I see, makes me moody. And as for that, I don't really know why. The problem lies with me.
I don't even know how to put across my thoughts anymore, they're so messed up and conflicting and angry that I can't pen them down. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna look for my beloved floorball stick, I think it'll understand me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
all at once
i finally took a moment and i'm realizing that
you're not coming back
and it finally hit me all at once
all at once
i started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
my eyes began to swell
and all my dreams were shattered all at once
all at once
i looked around and found that you were with another love
in someone else's arms
and all my dreams were shattered, all at once
all at once
the smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
she took your smile away
and left me with just memories, all at once
I went off @
11:54 AM
i finally took a moment and i'm realizing that
you're not coming back
and it finally hit me all at once
all at once
i started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
my eyes began to swell
and all my dreams were shattered all at once
all at once
i looked around and found that you were with another love
in someone else's arms
and all my dreams were shattered, all at once
all at once
the smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
she took your smile away
and left me with just memories, all at once
I've kept to what I had to do for monday and tuesday :) A little slow and headache inducing but I think I did alright.
And I've been crazy about floorball for the past two nights. After being told that the hall training was canceled, my desire to play was amplified and I just had to at least have a little practice before the day was done. Went down to dribble and hit around in the afternoon today too, something I haven't done in a very long time. It's true that the more you try to take something away from someone, the more they'll want it. I am sooo looking forward to court training this thursday, well, court training that's not my official one so I can at least slack abit when I want to :p And of course, miss the sisters too!
Wednesday's schedule is not a pleasant one. 930am history lecture after what looks to be a 4 hour sleep, 2 hour break whereby coming back to hall to sleep is not an option, fyp meeting with wwsd at 230pm. End of day probably 430pm. Target for the night can only be a readup on management, and resume writing? Hahaha thinking bout it, why should I go for lecture anyway, I'd probably end up sleeping in class... hmm... we'll see what morning-me says.
I finally bought my own aircon card, enjoyed aircon in the evening while I did my work today, happy :)
I went off @
11:37 AM
And I've been crazy about floorball for the past two nights. After being told that the hall training was canceled, my desire to play was amplified and I just had to at least have a little practice before the day was done. Went down to dribble and hit around in the afternoon today too, something I haven't done in a very long time. It's true that the more you try to take something away from someone, the more they'll want it. I am sooo looking forward to court training this thursday, well, court training that's not my official one so I can at least slack abit when I want to :p And of course, miss the sisters too!
Wednesday's schedule is not a pleasant one. 930am history lecture after what looks to be a 4 hour sleep, 2 hour break whereby coming back to hall to sleep is not an option, fyp meeting with wwsd at 230pm. End of day probably 430pm. Target for the night can only be a readup on management, and resume writing? Hahaha thinking bout it, why should I go for lecture anyway, I'd probably end up sleeping in class... hmm... we'll see what morning-me says.
I finally bought my own aircon card, enjoyed aircon in the evening while I did my work today, happy :)
Seeing you in person urged me to seek the you captured in photographs. You look slightly different now, not as good as before perhaps, but it's still enough to drive you through the cumulus clouds of my thoughts. That fleeting closeness, the things you told me. You're a hard one, they say. I don't know, for I haven't tried, and I don't think I ever will.
I went off @
11:31 AM
Sunday, February 7, 2010
we had it all
just like bogie and bacall
starring in our own late, late show
sailing away to key largo
here's looking at you kid
missing all the things we did
we can find it once again, i know
just like they did on key largo
I went off @
10:22 AM
just like bogie and bacall
starring in our own late, late show
sailing away to key largo
here's looking at you kid
missing all the things we did
we can find it once again, i know
just like they did on key largo
I am tired of thinking whether people are truthful to me.
I am tired of questioning their motives.
I am tired of hearing about others' relationships.
I am tired of encouraging and consoling people.
I am tired of talking to deluded people.
I am tired of smiling when I don't want to.
I am tired of answering when I don't agree.
I am tired of being made use of.
Can I find enough strength in me to tell them to their face? Or will it only spectacularly explode in their faces one fateful day whereby I can't act anymore?
I know I should let the lava flow.
I went off @
10:07 AM
I am tired of questioning their motives.
I am tired of hearing about others' relationships.
I am tired of encouraging and consoling people.
I am tired of talking to deluded people.
I am tired of smiling when I don't want to.
I am tired of answering when I don't agree.
I am tired of being made use of.
Can I find enough strength in me to tell them to their face? Or will it only spectacularly explode in their faces one fateful day whereby I can't act anymore?
I know I should let the lava flow.
I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I'm tired all the time. Some days I don't sleep enough, some days I sleep so much yet I feel like falling back to bed after just a few hours. At home today, I slept 13 hours, got chided for it, spent my increasingly tired day reading the papers, watching television, magickcleaning the floor, eating every other moment cos my screwed up brain asked me to. My parents were kind enough to send me back to school, and I tried my best to be a better person this week so I went on to ebuddy to discuss my fyp. Did it and saw the work cut out for the next 2 days, tough, but I tryy to picture the denver mountains as I tryy to work on it. I don't know why but my head hasn't been feeling too good the entire day, slight throb. Is this what others call a headache? It doesn't seem to be that debilitating, but its uncomfortable nonetheless. The biggest discomfort is not knowing what's wrong with me... why am I so tired, uncomfortable, moody. I hope its pms.
Monday and Tuesday - work on re-writing lit review and find more articles
Wednesday - prepare for east asian history tutorial, so that I can say stuff, or else the classroom is so eeriely quiet its sad (tutor is such a nice person)
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - prepare and write fundamentals of management interviews
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - apply for jobs online
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - buy new year clothes, or else parents will shoot me
That's about how much I need to do each week, and sadly, nothing has been done the past few weeks. I could just wake up everyday (late), go for floorball training and games (first 3 weeks), slack around aimlessly (last week), eat, and go to bed.
As I look at my timetable and the things to be done, there is more than enough time. I hope I'll do better this week. I have to.
I went off @
9:42 AM
Monday and Tuesday - work on re-writing lit review and find more articles
Wednesday - prepare for east asian history tutorial, so that I can say stuff, or else the classroom is so eeriely quiet its sad (tutor is such a nice person)
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - prepare and write fundamentals of management interviews
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - apply for jobs online
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday - buy new year clothes, or else parents will shoot me
That's about how much I need to do each week, and sadly, nothing has been done the past few weeks. I could just wake up everyday (late), go for floorball training and games (first 3 weeks), slack around aimlessly (last week), eat, and go to bed.
As I look at my timetable and the things to be done, there is more than enough time. I hope I'll do better this week. I have to.
It was 10.30pm on a sunday night in hall. I wanted to shower, went to two toilets and the bathing cubicles were all full. Nevermind, made my way to a third one and one cubicle was free. Floor was already a little flooded, and the person next door had the shower tap running from the time I went into the toilet, took off my clothes, showered, put on my clothes, and slammed the bathroom door as loudly as I could cos I was pissed with her behavior.
It's not as if they don't know the drainage will be choked by the accumulated hair, and they happily use and use the water and flood the person next door. Freaking disgusting. Not to mention the complete disregard many people have for saving resources and saving our earth. I too leave my fan on at a low speed when I leave the room for a long time cos such a small room would really get stuffy. But what about the lights? Can they please enlighten me on what's the purpose of leaving the lights on? Just because neither us nor our parents pay for the electricity and water fees, doesn't mean we can selfishly waste them away.
Then again, maybe this horrid human frivolity would lead to greater innovations and even inventions. Oh I think it already has, no wonder we have to drink repackaged human waste water. Maybe one day, we'll find ways to patch up that hole in the sky and raise entire cities so they'd not be swallowed up by the ocean.
I went off @
7:03 AM
It's not as if they don't know the drainage will be choked by the accumulated hair, and they happily use and use the water and flood the person next door. Freaking disgusting. Not to mention the complete disregard many people have for saving resources and saving our earth. I too leave my fan on at a low speed when I leave the room for a long time cos such a small room would really get stuffy. But what about the lights? Can they please enlighten me on what's the purpose of leaving the lights on? Just because neither us nor our parents pay for the electricity and water fees, doesn't mean we can selfishly waste them away.
Then again, maybe this horrid human frivolity would lead to greater innovations and even inventions. Oh I think it already has, no wonder we have to drink repackaged human waste water. Maybe one day, we'll find ways to patch up that hole in the sky and raise entire cities so they'd not be swallowed up by the ocean.
I feel like a drifting log, floating aimlessly on a vast ocean. I might have once been a tall, sturdy tree, but those days are gone. From the rich forests with my roots comfortably in the ground, smiling at my fellow trees and the friendly animals, to an old destitute log, alone and unwanted.
That's how I feel.
I went off @
5:39 AM
That's how I feel.
Friday, February 5, 2010
f is for friday and s is for sunday
Fridays are self-declared free days. I went to school to settle more finance admin for my fyp again. Honestly the finance sucks to the core, sucks to the balls. They didn't inform my prof the proper procedures on how to submit the payments, and after 2 months they come back and tell us to change the format. Nicely done, I foresee using up another 100 smses informing and answering to my poor surveyors regarding the delay. Wherever we go, it seems that we can never get away from inept administration.
Schoozed and snoozed my way throughout 10 in the morning just to get up in time to meet my prof at 11.45am today. It was soooo hard to even get up at 11 when I finally did. There is something psychologically wrong. It shouldn't be this hard to wake up in the morning with already 7 hours of sleep. It is hard for me to wake up every single morning. I was told that perhaps its cos I don't look forward to anything in life. That's about it I guess.
Came back to hall to bathe after the finance fiasco before heading off for apac at woodlands. I feel uncomfortable with the new toilets. I don't feel clean everytime I finish showering, possibly because the toilet cubicles are way too hot and I feel sticky like right away. Although I prefer showering with warm water, the past few showers had to end off with a cold blast of water to help matters. And today, I was washing off the shampoo on my hair when the jet of water stopped about 6 times. Thankfully its not the seventh month, or I'd be quite scared. For now, I only worry about the inconvenience of changing a cubicle with all that shampooed hair, eeks.
Really, most of the changes are for the worse, they only look good. I appreciate how nice the room looks, but what's missing is a headboard which the old bedpost had, and its very very important to me since I like to read in bed! We didn't have the facilities to cook, microwave or toast food for one semester, and the pantries didn't have seats. Even now, the stylish looking seats look more suitable for a bar rather than a place for friends to gather. I reminisce about the good old times when we went down to the pantry with its simple table and chairs and shared food there :) And I am missing the water fountain! I really miss the old toilets too. It's good that all these changes only took place in my fourth year of stay in this hall, and the first three years were blissful and comfortable :)
Haha yes yr thank you for agreeing with my rants :p
Floorball was quite fun to watch. Congrats guan and teck for receiving best player for malaysia awards for their first two games! Enjoyed watching the display of floorball from japan and singapore, really cool and inspiring, and I hope to learn from imitation! Itching to play so much, been almost 2 weeks since I had a proper game/training. Tempest training yay!
Floorball should be a big enough motivation for me to wake up tomorrow, yes?!
It is GREAT to be alone this friday night. Sick and tired of hearing people talk. I honestly hate my position right now, for too many reasons. There are so many things I'm seeing I don't like, but I'm not strong enough to do anything. Cos even if I did, it wouldn't make a difference. All I can do is beg my inner self to ignore all this hurt thrown in my face, and act.
I went off @
10:07 AM
Fridays are self-declared free days. I went to school to settle more finance admin for my fyp again. Honestly the finance sucks to the core, sucks to the balls. They didn't inform my prof the proper procedures on how to submit the payments, and after 2 months they come back and tell us to change the format. Nicely done, I foresee using up another 100 smses informing and answering to my poor surveyors regarding the delay. Wherever we go, it seems that we can never get away from inept administration.
Schoozed and snoozed my way throughout 10 in the morning just to get up in time to meet my prof at 11.45am today. It was soooo hard to even get up at 11 when I finally did. There is something psychologically wrong. It shouldn't be this hard to wake up in the morning with already 7 hours of sleep. It is hard for me to wake up every single morning. I was told that perhaps its cos I don't look forward to anything in life. That's about it I guess.
Came back to hall to bathe after the finance fiasco before heading off for apac at woodlands. I feel uncomfortable with the new toilets. I don't feel clean everytime I finish showering, possibly because the toilet cubicles are way too hot and I feel sticky like right away. Although I prefer showering with warm water, the past few showers had to end off with a cold blast of water to help matters. And today, I was washing off the shampoo on my hair when the jet of water stopped about 6 times. Thankfully its not the seventh month, or I'd be quite scared. For now, I only worry about the inconvenience of changing a cubicle with all that shampooed hair, eeks.
Really, most of the changes are for the worse, they only look good. I appreciate how nice the room looks, but what's missing is a headboard which the old bedpost had, and its very very important to me since I like to read in bed! We didn't have the facilities to cook, microwave or toast food for one semester, and the pantries didn't have seats. Even now, the stylish looking seats look more suitable for a bar rather than a place for friends to gather. I reminisce about the good old times when we went down to the pantry with its simple table and chairs and shared food there :) And I am missing the water fountain! I really miss the old toilets too. It's good that all these changes only took place in my fourth year of stay in this hall, and the first three years were blissful and comfortable :)
Haha yes yr thank you for agreeing with my rants :p
Floorball was quite fun to watch. Congrats guan and teck for receiving best player for malaysia awards for their first two games! Enjoyed watching the display of floorball from japan and singapore, really cool and inspiring, and I hope to learn from imitation! Itching to play so much, been almost 2 weeks since I had a proper game/training. Tempest training yay!
Floorball should be a big enough motivation for me to wake up tomorrow, yes?!
It is GREAT to be alone this friday night. Sick and tired of hearing people talk. I honestly hate my position right now, for too many reasons. There are so many things I'm seeing I don't like, but I'm not strong enough to do anything. Cos even if I did, it wouldn't make a difference. All I can do is beg my inner self to ignore all this hurt thrown in my face, and act.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
emofibres twisting and turning
arghhh =x
I went off @
8:54 AM
arghhh =x
Another useless day. I'm so alone in a place where I seemingly have many friends. But as I increasingly realise, I have no one to confide in except food and beer.
I went off @
8:49 AM
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
i can't wait for floorball to start again.
it's the only candle left burning in this room.
I went off @
6:53 AM
it's the only candle left burning in this room.
You know life isn't going well when you don't know what you want, you don't know what you're good at, and you can't bring yourself to do the only thing that you are supposed to - schoolwork.
As if that isn't a big enough inadequacy, others' issues get heaped onto me, make me question my personality and morality every night. It's not as if I don't want to help, it's not as if I want to wear so many faces, but it's so messed up that I can't control myself anymore.
Sometimes when it all gets too much, I don't want to care about others, I just want to live for myself. I've let myself get too close to too many people, shared too much of their problems, and in the long haul, I'm gonna offend all of them and they're all gonna hate me, cos I was too close to them in the first place. If we weren't close, I wouldn't get hated, it's a paradox. I don't want to always be in the second tier, the backup plan, the benchwarmer. I don't want to be the one people run to when there's no one else. I don't want to be the one hurt over and over again and taken for granted. Maybe I get close to people too easily, maybe I need them as much as they need me, maybe I'm too sympathetic. It's time to echo the age old sentiment: why care so much for them, when they don't do the same for me. I'm just a second choice remember.
i'm not the one they light up a sky for
i'm not the one they bring flowers to
i'm not the one they name a castle after
i'm just the one they run to,
when they wanna choose that firework, that sunflower, that royal name
I went off @
6:26 AM
As if that isn't a big enough inadequacy, others' issues get heaped onto me, make me question my personality and morality every night. It's not as if I don't want to help, it's not as if I want to wear so many faces, but it's so messed up that I can't control myself anymore.
Sometimes when it all gets too much, I don't want to care about others, I just want to live for myself. I've let myself get too close to too many people, shared too much of their problems, and in the long haul, I'm gonna offend all of them and they're all gonna hate me, cos I was too close to them in the first place. If we weren't close, I wouldn't get hated, it's a paradox. I don't want to always be in the second tier, the backup plan, the benchwarmer. I don't want to be the one people run to when there's no one else. I don't want to be the one hurt over and over again and taken for granted. Maybe I get close to people too easily, maybe I need them as much as they need me, maybe I'm too sympathetic. It's time to echo the age old sentiment: why care so much for them, when they don't do the same for me. I'm just a second choice remember.
i'm not the one they light up a sky for
i'm not the one they bring flowers to
i'm not the one they name a castle after
i'm just the one they run to,
when they wanna choose that firework, that sunflower, that royal name
Monday, February 1, 2010
It's hard to look at the big picture, it's hard to look beyond the present, it's hard to ever think of the good of others when your life is being drilled dry.
The inconveniences of not having a pantry and decent drinking water for months, the mad rush and time wasting waiting around cos of the lack of toilets, the dusty floor and men of all colors, shapes and sizes trawling around your corridors all day. And in their spirit of dragging, its been so long since the other toilet was being drilled that I forgot how nasty it is. How good can a sleep be when its infected by anger? The sounds are so in your face, in your head that its leading to a headache, the sounds seemingly travel through the walls from the toilet to my room, its as though my room is shaking in anger.
When you think about how all this should be done even before the first semester started, about the inefficiency of the construction companies, you feel very very shortchanged. Complaining's of no use cos its not the fault of the school blah blah, it's the yog and the construction companies who fuck around. Your lovely idyllic hostel life gets fucked around for the good of a whole nation, sounds reasonable isn't it? Hmm that's not that accurate, cos this not only brought inconveniences and discomfort, it stole away basic necessities like drinking water and toilets. And the best part is, the authorities just let it happen.
For the record, the renovations are skimpy and second class. Heard from a hall resident, "eh, why the toilet bowl slanted one ah?' The new toilets are less effective than the old ones, and the ventilation is obviously screwed up cos they're like saunas. Maybe that was the purpose, shrugs.
Sometimes, you know that there are the less fortunate, you know there's a bigger picture. But we're made to be selfish animals isn't it? It still doesn't feel good to be shortchanged, especially when the improvements are not made in view of you.
I went off @
11:07 PM
The inconveniences of not having a pantry and decent drinking water for months, the mad rush and time wasting waiting around cos of the lack of toilets, the dusty floor and men of all colors, shapes and sizes trawling around your corridors all day. And in their spirit of dragging, its been so long since the other toilet was being drilled that I forgot how nasty it is. How good can a sleep be when its infected by anger? The sounds are so in your face, in your head that its leading to a headache, the sounds seemingly travel through the walls from the toilet to my room, its as though my room is shaking in anger.
When you think about how all this should be done even before the first semester started, about the inefficiency of the construction companies, you feel very very shortchanged. Complaining's of no use cos its not the fault of the school blah blah, it's the yog and the construction companies who fuck around. Your lovely idyllic hostel life gets fucked around for the good of a whole nation, sounds reasonable isn't it? Hmm that's not that accurate, cos this not only brought inconveniences and discomfort, it stole away basic necessities like drinking water and toilets. And the best part is, the authorities just let it happen.
For the record, the renovations are skimpy and second class. Heard from a hall resident, "eh, why the toilet bowl slanted one ah?' The new toilets are less effective than the old ones, and the ventilation is obviously screwed up cos they're like saunas. Maybe that was the purpose, shrugs.
Sometimes, you know that there are the less fortunate, you know there's a bigger picture. But we're made to be selfish animals isn't it? It still doesn't feel good to be shortchanged, especially when the improvements are not made in view of you.
I'm sorry I took you for granted and did not devote as much time to you as I should have. Right now, I'm gonna toss my plethora of troubles aside, climb into you, and do you good.
I need to sleep, and I need it now.
I went off @
11:26 AM
I need to sleep, and I need it now.
"He was the first, the only love in her life, and in a nature like hers such passions take deep root and die-hard."
Louisa May Alcott, A Long Fatal Love Chase
all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for the daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
- mad world
I went off @
8:48 AM
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for the daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
- mad world
"Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart."
Yann Martel, Life of Pi