What a difference a year makes.
You lose some and you gain some.
No big deal.
I'm a very very lucky girl.
There's always someone here for me, someway, somehow, at sometime or another :)
Forget the relations that changed for the worse and treasure the newly attained.
Don't think about the past, nor the future, what's important is the here and now.
And at this moment, I'm a very lucky girl.
I went off @
6:25 PM
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
i am the eye in the sky
looking at you
i can read your mind
- eye in the sky
I went off @
6:24 PM
looking at you
i can read your mind
- eye in the sky
First time...
Walking out of the club in the rain...
Getting on a 7 seater cab and only paying 4 bucks for a cab ride back to boon lay...
Having supper with a bunch of strangers save for one...
Walking barefoot back from ah fang back to hall 13...
When you stretch yourself, push yourself, you'll find that you can take it, you can do it... When you abuse it, then you'll really know how to treasure it, enjoy it...
A great night :) though the music kinda sucked...
I've greatly exacerbated my condition anyway, drinks on blocked nose, runny nose, sore throat, walking in the rain and I probably have some kinda fever now... Hot and uncomfortable and can't get to sleep at 7 in the morning probably cos of the drinks with red bull!!!
Hahahaha... that's the way life goes...
I went off @
2:53 PM
Walking out of the club in the rain...
Getting on a 7 seater cab and only paying 4 bucks for a cab ride back to boon lay...
Having supper with a bunch of strangers save for one...
Walking barefoot back from ah fang back to hall 13...
When you stretch yourself, push yourself, you'll find that you can take it, you can do it... When you abuse it, then you'll really know how to treasure it, enjoy it...
A great night :) though the music kinda sucked...
I've greatly exacerbated my condition anyway, drinks on blocked nose, runny nose, sore throat, walking in the rain and I probably have some kinda fever now... Hot and uncomfortable and can't get to sleep at 7 in the morning probably cos of the drinks with red bull!!!
Hahahaha... that's the way life goes...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I think I'm stronger and wiser now, I'll be ok this time.
I went off @
12:44 PM
i love you
but you're chasing me in
your cold droplets beating me
i have to shut my door
close my window
draw my curtain
turn up the radio
put on an extra shirt
hide under the covers
away from you
we'll never work it out
for now
cos my nose is runny, itchy
and my throat is sore
i'm not brave enough to embrace you
but i still smile at your beauty
as I always have
I went off @
12:35 PM
but you're chasing me in
your cold droplets beating me
i have to shut my door
close my window
draw my curtain
turn up the radio
put on an extra shirt
hide under the covers
away from you
we'll never work it out
for now
cos my nose is runny, itchy
and my throat is sore
i'm not brave enough to embrace you
but i still smile at your beauty
as I always have
If I'm a little quiet, it's because I'm caught up in reminiscing...
I went off @
12:23 PM
Monday, September 28, 2009
What do you do when what was supposed to pamper you poisons you?
What do you do when what was supposed to warm you withers you?
What do you do when what was supposed to heal you harms you?
What do you do when what was supposed to love you leaves you?
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. What's worse than indifference is thinking you were loved, but realising it's all a lie. That you were never worth loving.
The worst kind of loneliness is being surrounded by others, but not truly being able to tell the truth. For you are ashamed of it. Big time.
The fleeting kind of happiness that whooshes through you like the evening winds, it fills you up and gives you wings. All the sadness floods back when it leaves, but it's always nice to feel that nice cool breeze :)
So, what was supposed to warm me withered me, and snatched the wings off my back. Now I'm back to being a wingless butterfly, a mere worm, cooped under a leaf, afraid of the world once again. After countless mistakes, I'm sick of myself and very afraid. All I can do is to cautiously peer at the world, smile in euphoria when the exciting sights and sounds reach my humble abode, dream of the places I've never been to, and be content with what I have.
I went off @
1:20 PM
What do you do when what was supposed to warm you withers you?
What do you do when what was supposed to heal you harms you?
What do you do when what was supposed to love you leaves you?
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. What's worse than indifference is thinking you were loved, but realising it's all a lie. That you were never worth loving.
The worst kind of loneliness is being surrounded by others, but not truly being able to tell the truth. For you are ashamed of it. Big time.
The fleeting kind of happiness that whooshes through you like the evening winds, it fills you up and gives you wings. All the sadness floods back when it leaves, but it's always nice to feel that nice cool breeze :)
So, what was supposed to warm me withered me, and snatched the wings off my back. Now I'm back to being a wingless butterfly, a mere worm, cooped under a leaf, afraid of the world once again. After countless mistakes, I'm sick of myself and very afraid. All I can do is to cautiously peer at the world, smile in euphoria when the exciting sights and sounds reach my humble abode, dream of the places I've never been to, and be content with what I have.
I feel like I can produce the world's best patronus, and even a thousand dementors can't bring me down. With the light rains and winds, even the weather is singing in my tune. There's this feeling like, I can succeed in anything I need to do. Schoolwork, fyp? Not a problem ;)
i'm on the top of the world looking... down on creation and the only explanation i can find...
I went off @
11:01 AM
i'm on the top of the world looking... down on creation and the only explanation i can find...
Even though I still sing like shit, that was one of the most entertaining and fun ktv sessions ever :)) Great start to the recess week, got some work done in the afternoon, and good fun at night... That's the balance I hope to strike this one precious week :)
I went off @
10:37 AM
Friday, September 25, 2009
invading you in my mind
as i lay in bed
and watched the sun rise
I went off @
9:56 PM
as i lay in bed
and watched the sun rise
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm back at the same place I was two years ago. It's funny how much two years can change you in some ways, but how desperately clueless you can still be in others. I haven't been a good version of me the past two years, I don't know how much I can trust myself.
Head, heart? Search my soul...
I went off @
1:00 PM
Head, heart? Search my soul...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Five am talks, I think I need it more than you do now. I feel like my heart is playing pinball. Hitting here, hitting there, and it may just drop away from my control anytime.
I just don't know...
It's one of those days that I'm scared, reluctant to go to bed again... It's times like these I wish I had a roommate.
I went off @
2:55 PM
I just don't know...
It's one of those days that I'm scared, reluctant to go to bed again... It's times like these I wish I had a roommate.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
22 years ago, in 11 days time, I'd be born. Full of promise and life... I promise to fulfil this life.
I wonder again what there is to celebrate about birthdays. It must be your influence... You made me feel as though it was nothing, that I deserved nothing, that I was wrong to think that it was something. I'm not thinking this way on purpose, I'm really confused sometimes as to why people celebrate birthdays. That's why I'm thinking of more interesting ways instead of a dinner or what. Hmmm...
Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this world when I leave the comforting nest. But even in that state, I know I was the one who threw it all away.
you made me throw my brains away, and believe all the things you say, i can't find my feet back till this very day...
I went off @
1:18 PM
I wonder again what there is to celebrate about birthdays. It must be your influence... You made me feel as though it was nothing, that I deserved nothing, that I was wrong to think that it was something. I'm not thinking this way on purpose, I'm really confused sometimes as to why people celebrate birthdays. That's why I'm thinking of more interesting ways instead of a dinner or what. Hmmm...
Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this world when I leave the comforting nest. But even in that state, I know I was the one who threw it all away.
you made me throw my brains away, and believe all the things you say, i can't find my feet back till this very day...
I decided today that I needed a jog. That's after two extremely gorgy days, really really gorgy. People like me will never do what they're supposed to do until a rude awakening. And something in me thinks that I gorged so that I would create a reason to finally go jogging.
The feeling of jogging alone is always good. But in recent times my back has been hurting every time I jog, and it's the same spot at the left lower region. Perhaps I need to stand straighter when I jog? The pain kinda takes some of the fun away from jogging... but I need to press on! Maybe jog for shorter periods of time. After all, doing that in the past managed to lose me quite a few kgs. The feelings of 'I'd look so much better if I lose weight' are hitting me again. There's no reason for me to feel this way except to want to live up to my fullest potential. Maybe it's time to hit the gym again.
The thing I miss about being at home in the east is the beach!!! Quite sad staying out here without a nice place to sun-tan, cycle, and swim in the sea nearby...
I went off @
12:55 PM
The feeling of jogging alone is always good. But in recent times my back has been hurting every time I jog, and it's the same spot at the left lower region. Perhaps I need to stand straighter when I jog? The pain kinda takes some of the fun away from jogging... but I need to press on! Maybe jog for shorter periods of time. After all, doing that in the past managed to lose me quite a few kgs. The feelings of 'I'd look so much better if I lose weight' are hitting me again. There's no reason for me to feel this way except to want to live up to my fullest potential. Maybe it's time to hit the gym again.
The thing I miss about being at home in the east is the beach!!! Quite sad staying out here without a nice place to sun-tan, cycle, and swim in the sea nearby...
It's already the twentieth of September. Time really flies when you're having fun. Wasn't it just yesterday that the new term started, wasn't it yesterday that September begun. One and a half months can hold so many new experiences, new memories :)
As always, my life is defined by floorball, and I'm very much looking forward to Tuesday again. Cos I had a very bad training yesterday. Was weakened by diarrhoea and still went to train, and couldn't perform up to standard. Frustrating! I thought I could ignore it and plough on, but I couldn't, resulting in a very black face. Especially when people pushed and slashed me in game time =x That's why I say I have a long long way to go. I say my temper has improved tremendously from 3 years back, but it's still bad! So next time, please don't attempt to train when you're not well. Anddd.. cool it when you're not performing. Much as I don't want to be, I'm like olddd and need to set a better example :)
Looking forward to Tuesday evening :)
If you want to throw your temper, then don't play.
I went off @
7:11 AM
As always, my life is defined by floorball, and I'm very much looking forward to Tuesday again. Cos I had a very bad training yesterday. Was weakened by diarrhoea and still went to train, and couldn't perform up to standard. Frustrating! I thought I could ignore it and plough on, but I couldn't, resulting in a very black face. Especially when people pushed and slashed me in game time =x That's why I say I have a long long way to go. I say my temper has improved tremendously from 3 years back, but it's still bad! So next time, please don't attempt to train when you're not well. Anddd.. cool it when you're not performing. Much as I don't want to be, I'm like olddd and need to set a better example :)
Looking forward to Tuesday evening :)
If you want to throw your temper, then don't play.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
More happy, less troubled. Not that things are going my way, but cos I feel like I can distinguish the colours better now. That I know how to educate myself on the differences between things. I'm definitely standing on higher ground now, seeing things from a different view. The most essential point being the fluidity of the colours, the instability, the beauty, the need for acceptance, yet control.
_______________________________________________________________
Sometimes you need a mirror to see things that you could see all along. It looks different, feels different on another plane. You learn things about yourself you never knew, or never admitted. You should be glad you saw a seemingly unharmful practice that you should kick. The best mirrors are those that amplify.
_______________________________________________________________
Self-righteousness and assertive selflessness. No.
I went off @
2:05 PM
_______________________________________________________________
Sometimes you need a mirror to see things that you could see all along. It looks different, feels different on another plane. You learn things about yourself you never knew, or never admitted. You should be glad you saw a seemingly unharmful practice that you should kick. The best mirrors are those that amplify.
_______________________________________________________________
Self-righteousness and assertive selflessness. No.
I think I have grown much, but there's still a long long way to go...
I went off @
3:37 AM
Monday, September 14, 2009
When my brain feels as though its been fed, when my wheat fields thrive on cultivation and pollination... It makes me feel happy though I could've just been sad.
I went off @
1:36 PM
You drive me to do things, to fling my coat out of the car, to speed into the mountains and the deserts...
There are mountain lions and panthers out there, but sometimes I'm too high and happy to even notice them. I see the clear blue skies and close my eyes in the breeze, throwing all caution to the winds...
It's so scary, but I like it...
I see the world reflected in the browns of your eyes... and I never ever wanna see them cry...
I went off @
1:30 PM
There are mountain lions and panthers out there, but sometimes I'm too high and happy to even notice them. I see the clear blue skies and close my eyes in the breeze, throwing all caution to the winds...
It's so scary, but I like it...
I see the world reflected in the browns of your eyes... and I never ever wanna see them cry...
I wish I could sit quietly in the stands, instead of being pointed out. It is painful and embarrassing. Why can't they let me live out the pain instead of amplifying it? Do they enjoy themselves causing pain to others...
Maybe some don't realise the damage they are doing. Cos they haven't asked me certain questions that I have unthinkable answers to. Only one or two people know the truth of why I am so especially vulnerable to some issues.
If they knew, they wouldn't think its funny to make fun of me, to bug me...
There is only so much I can help myself... I try so hard, yet they tear down at my efforts with little pokes into my skin...
I went off @
12:31 AM
Maybe some don't realise the damage they are doing. Cos they haven't asked me certain questions that I have unthinkable answers to. Only one or two people know the truth of why I am so especially vulnerable to some issues.
If they knew, they wouldn't think its funny to make fun of me, to bug me...
There is only so much I can help myself... I try so hard, yet they tear down at my efforts with little pokes into my skin...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
fmftroml
I went off @
2:10 PM
Again and again, it's happening again... It wouldn't be so bad if it just didn't show. If I could just hide it up forever...
Again and again, it's always wrong...
I went off @
9:17 AM
Again and again, it's always wrong...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
It's funny how you can drop from cloud to crevice in a matter of minutes... I've always known these, but to be asked and say it out... Omg I can't take it... It's what I've always felt but dared not feel.
It was as if the flower did not need watering
It sat at the window watching the world go by
It imagined itself as a potted flower
But it was worse off than a wild flower that no one plucked
Lovegrass clinging to the wrong socks... there isn't any better way... to say...
To clean up, to buck up, all gone washing down the drain...
Mess with my head and heal my heart I beg of you............
I went off @
11:25 AM
It was as if the flower did not need watering
It sat at the window watching the world go by
It imagined itself as a potted flower
But it was worse off than a wild flower that no one plucked
Lovegrass clinging to the wrong socks... there isn't any better way... to say...
To clean up, to buck up, all gone washing down the drain...
Mess with my head and heal my heart I beg of you............
I'm pretty sad right now, cos of things that are not directly hurting me, but hurting someone else. And things which I automatically think too much about and get even sadder over.
______________________________________________________________
On the other hand, I am very much more heartened about fyp after meeting with our prof today :) She's just such an amazing thinker and teacher, after looking at her pictorial representation of theories and discussing over with her, I feel so much more positive about the theories. And also so much more confident that I can think of original and creative ideas. It was a classic case of 'if you want to be an inspiration, you gotta be a damn good thing yourself'. It may seem like common sense but what she said today really put this in the spotlight. She told us that we can do things if we believed in ourselves, and what's hampering success is only disbelief and inconfidence. "If you think you can do it, then you can do it." It's like she could read my thoughts. It may sound like a cliched saying, but coming from her, I really felt like it was sincere and sensible. She said in a very possible way that if we worked hard on it, we could even get to present our paper at an overseas conference. That's a great big motivation!
______________________________________________________________
Today, I found out that the backs of heads can look ever so ugly. I sat behind three wolves at an event today, and the look of their hair and heads gave me such horrible goosebumps that I was hit by this feeling. I felt empowered by the fact that their rotten personas could actually be seen by my all-seeing eye. Not just in their eyes and in their smirks, but just by the back of their heads. I sincerely wonder if these wolves in human clothing do know what they are doing is wrong, do they even know about the concept of karma? I sure know. My lips mysteriously had white sores and became chaffed and bloody for more than one week cos I kept disturbing charm and imitating how she likes to bite her lower lip LOL. So yeah that's my latest personal encounter with tit-for-tat.
______________________________________________________________
To anyone who feels that life has been unfair, who feels shortchanged, who feels so anguished by circumstances that you really feel like just ending it all... I implore you to be patient. The dark clouds WILL clear one day. It's hard, if not impossible to see the light, cos the clouds are stacked too high, and there simply is no light. But hey, as you know from living your thousands of days on this earth, the sky does clear eventually. As we live day to day, every next day waiting for the light seems like forever. In perspective, every day feels like a day in hell. But if we are pure and sincere of heart, there is no reason why the sun will not shine on us one day.
______________________________________________________________
I know it's not good news when I start to search for letters. I know it's bad when I think of these before I go to bed, and when I wake up. I know it's time to search for more letters.
______________________________________________________________
Control, not just actions, but thoughts and hopefully also feelings.
I went off @
10:20 AM
______________________________________________________________
On the other hand, I am very much more heartened about fyp after meeting with our prof today :) She's just such an amazing thinker and teacher, after looking at her pictorial representation of theories and discussing over with her, I feel so much more positive about the theories. And also so much more confident that I can think of original and creative ideas. It was a classic case of 'if you want to be an inspiration, you gotta be a damn good thing yourself'. It may seem like common sense but what she said today really put this in the spotlight. She told us that we can do things if we believed in ourselves, and what's hampering success is only disbelief and inconfidence. "If you think you can do it, then you can do it." It's like she could read my thoughts. It may sound like a cliched saying, but coming from her, I really felt like it was sincere and sensible. She said in a very possible way that if we worked hard on it, we could even get to present our paper at an overseas conference. That's a great big motivation!
______________________________________________________________
Today, I found out that the backs of heads can look ever so ugly. I sat behind three wolves at an event today, and the look of their hair and heads gave me such horrible goosebumps that I was hit by this feeling. I felt empowered by the fact that their rotten personas could actually be seen by my all-seeing eye. Not just in their eyes and in their smirks, but just by the back of their heads. I sincerely wonder if these wolves in human clothing do know what they are doing is wrong, do they even know about the concept of karma? I sure know. My lips mysteriously had white sores and became chaffed and bloody for more than one week cos I kept disturbing charm and imitating how she likes to bite her lower lip LOL. So yeah that's my latest personal encounter with tit-for-tat.
______________________________________________________________
To anyone who feels that life has been unfair, who feels shortchanged, who feels so anguished by circumstances that you really feel like just ending it all... I implore you to be patient. The dark clouds WILL clear one day. It's hard, if not impossible to see the light, cos the clouds are stacked too high, and there simply is no light. But hey, as you know from living your thousands of days on this earth, the sky does clear eventually. As we live day to day, every next day waiting for the light seems like forever. In perspective, every day feels like a day in hell. But if we are pure and sincere of heart, there is no reason why the sun will not shine on us one day.
______________________________________________________________
I know it's not good news when I start to search for letters. I know it's bad when I think of these before I go to bed, and when I wake up. I know it's time to search for more letters.
______________________________________________________________
Control, not just actions, but thoughts and hopefully also feelings.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My days on this landing... are numbered...
Was browsing through photos just now and saw my photos from one to two years ago. When I was a few kgs lighter, give or take some weight for muscle. The gained fat on the face and legs are so noticeable, and how I want to at least look like that again. That is why I felt that a major clean-up for my life was in order. Mostly of studies, fitness and general emotional well-being.
Caught up in reminiscing, I started to read my blog posts from last year. I saw how sad and affected I was during a period of time, due to events that were just not worth it. I stand by my stance that I could not have controlled some things. But I hope that this time, I can be more prudent. Another bout of crazy depression eating, and I'll not be fit enough to even lift my floorball stick.
Floorball is taking over my life, ruling it, rewarding it. I'm starting to enjoy it more and more, and with the influx of new interesting people into ivp, I am super uber enthusiastic and happy to go for trainings :) haha! From my reading of last year's blog posts, I also saw that I was very much more inconfident last year. Though my composure is still not at a peak, it is definitely improving :)
I feel I've had pretty good floorballing luck in recent weeks. Scoring in games in training and two in ivp friendly even though those were fluffed shots. Played my first game in a more defending position for the first time in many months yesterday. And even though I know I was nervous and inexperienced in the workings of the position, it was a rather good start and I know I can go UP! Am learning more and more to acknowledge the bad but give myself the credit for the good.
My intense passion to improve my game is prompting me to lose weight and improve my stamina. Cos personally, tiredness leads to lost of composure and soft voice and many other obvious deficiencies in my game. Which leads me back to the BIG CLEANUP.
I want to look like I did before, and also improve my game!!!
The silence and slight chill of this place soothes my soul... I love to think here...
I went off @
2:05 PM
Was browsing through photos just now and saw my photos from one to two years ago. When I was a few kgs lighter, give or take some weight for muscle. The gained fat on the face and legs are so noticeable, and how I want to at least look like that again. That is why I felt that a major clean-up for my life was in order. Mostly of studies, fitness and general emotional well-being.
Caught up in reminiscing, I started to read my blog posts from last year. I saw how sad and affected I was during a period of time, due to events that were just not worth it. I stand by my stance that I could not have controlled some things. But I hope that this time, I can be more prudent. Another bout of crazy depression eating, and I'll not be fit enough to even lift my floorball stick.
Floorball is taking over my life, ruling it, rewarding it. I'm starting to enjoy it more and more, and with the influx of new interesting people into ivp, I am super uber enthusiastic and happy to go for trainings :) haha! From my reading of last year's blog posts, I also saw that I was very much more inconfident last year. Though my composure is still not at a peak, it is definitely improving :)
I feel I've had pretty good floorballing luck in recent weeks. Scoring in games in training and two in ivp friendly even though those were fluffed shots. Played my first game in a more defending position for the first time in many months yesterday. And even though I know I was nervous and inexperienced in the workings of the position, it was a rather good start and I know I can go UP! Am learning more and more to acknowledge the bad but give myself the credit for the good.
My intense passion to improve my game is prompting me to lose weight and improve my stamina. Cos personally, tiredness leads to lost of composure and soft voice and many other obvious deficiencies in my game. Which leads me back to the BIG CLEANUP.
I want to look like I did before, and also improve my game!!!
The silence and slight chill of this place soothes my soul... I love to think here...
Is it love, or has it become pride?
Is it sincerity, or has it become a show?
Are you really sure of what you feel?
I went off @
10:01 AM
Is it sincerity, or has it become a show?
Are you really sure of what you feel?
Monday, September 7, 2009
I can get over this, I'm confident of it.
It would take some time and some tears, but if it's not worth it, I promise I'll get over this.
I went off @
1:29 PM
It would take some time and some tears, but if it's not worth it, I promise I'll get over this.
It's 4am on a Tuesday morning. There is muffled music filling up my cosy hall room. I'm sitting on a comfy beanbag, not knowing if I'm tired or not anymore. There is a quiz at 10am later. I've read through the slides knowing that it is slipshod. And also knowing that I don't really care about my stupid damn results anymore. I just don't have the mood to do anything pertaining to schoolwork substantially. I hate myself for behaving this way, and hate myself even more cos I can't motivate myself. I don't care about my gpa anymore, just performing the basic actions to maintain me a second lower would suffice. I don't think the classification would be so terribly important in landing a job. The problem with my stupid situation is fyp. I've a groupmate to answer to. Sigh. Stressed. My brain cannot comprehend the theories. But I need to at least get my act together and perform those basic functions and put in a little more for my groupmate. Let's go.
I went off @
1:10 PM
Recently, I've been thinking too much about interesting but unimportant things. Every night, I want to fill myself with all these thoughts instead of doing work.
After thinking so much about relationships and such, I got hit by a wave of 'so what'. So what if you like someone but don't get together, so what if you get hurt? It's just a person, so why is it so damn important? There are so many other people in this world, isn't it? So what if the person you fell for is so damn wrong and so damn mean, so what? It's just a small part of life actually. But when it happens, it tends to consume a person from head to toe, sadly. Now I get hit by this wave of helplessness, like we are all limited by evolution. We're made to go all weak and desperately smitten when we find a potential mate, all for the continuation of the species? Is that the basis of our entire lives?
Ok fine I believe that there is more to life than just plain procreation... hmm, what, stuff like enjoying yourself, brightening up others' lives, stimulating the self in ways beyond physicality. Sometimes these reasons seems as empty as a hollow cave, cos it still doesn't answer stuff... Perhaps this is what a lack of religion does to you. Now I'm hit by confusions over careers once again. How can I survive the feeling of having a job that doesn't add any real value to anyone's life? Sure it will challenge one intellectually and bring in good money, but I'm afraid I will die of guilt, doing it 9 to 5. The feeling of living on this earth to bring myself pleasure, enjoyment and luxury does not sit well with me. I don't know what gave rise to such thoughts. But I saw them in the intense dislike I have of selfish, mean people. I don't like the feeling of thinking 'what is life for' cos it's so damn emo and unanswerable and scary really. My take on it would be... life is a gift and a challenge, not just for us to aim to be the strongest or fastest, but also to be a good person and a joy to others around you. But of course, if you want to be an inspiration and a positive influence, then you've gotta strive to be the best you can be.
It's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes, one can unwittingly hurt others, sometimes, it's so hard to keep quiet and be fair when you hear too much, sometimes, you can want something so much that you want to abandon your values and go for it. Sometimes, I know I have so many negative feelings rising out of my chest that are so hard to beat down. It's hard to maintain a happy heart when you feel that life isn't treating you well, when your luck is just so damn bad, when you're just not good at anything, when you're such a failure and you know it's all your fault. That's why life is a neverending challenge... It's a big fat challenge to see yourself in a positive light when all the others are putting you down.
I've written about this some time ago, and my thoughts on it have remain unchanged. I have the answers to questions, but still my mind goes all confused over them once in a while. Bear with self :)
I went off @
11:58 AM
After thinking so much about relationships and such, I got hit by a wave of 'so what'. So what if you like someone but don't get together, so what if you get hurt? It's just a person, so why is it so damn important? There are so many other people in this world, isn't it? So what if the person you fell for is so damn wrong and so damn mean, so what? It's just a small part of life actually. But when it happens, it tends to consume a person from head to toe, sadly. Now I get hit by this wave of helplessness, like we are all limited by evolution. We're made to go all weak and desperately smitten when we find a potential mate, all for the continuation of the species? Is that the basis of our entire lives?
Ok fine I believe that there is more to life than just plain procreation... hmm, what, stuff like enjoying yourself, brightening up others' lives, stimulating the self in ways beyond physicality. Sometimes these reasons seems as empty as a hollow cave, cos it still doesn't answer stuff... Perhaps this is what a lack of religion does to you. Now I'm hit by confusions over careers once again. How can I survive the feeling of having a job that doesn't add any real value to anyone's life? Sure it will challenge one intellectually and bring in good money, but I'm afraid I will die of guilt, doing it 9 to 5. The feeling of living on this earth to bring myself pleasure, enjoyment and luxury does not sit well with me. I don't know what gave rise to such thoughts. But I saw them in the intense dislike I have of selfish, mean people. I don't like the feeling of thinking 'what is life for' cos it's so damn emo and unanswerable and scary really. My take on it would be... life is a gift and a challenge, not just for us to aim to be the strongest or fastest, but also to be a good person and a joy to others around you. But of course, if you want to be an inspiration and a positive influence, then you've gotta strive to be the best you can be.
It's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes, one can unwittingly hurt others, sometimes, it's so hard to keep quiet and be fair when you hear too much, sometimes, you can want something so much that you want to abandon your values and go for it. Sometimes, I know I have so many negative feelings rising out of my chest that are so hard to beat down. It's hard to maintain a happy heart when you feel that life isn't treating you well, when your luck is just so damn bad, when you're just not good at anything, when you're such a failure and you know it's all your fault. That's why life is a neverending challenge... It's a big fat challenge to see yourself in a positive light when all the others are putting you down.
I've written about this some time ago, and my thoughts on it have remain unchanged. I have the answers to questions, but still my mind goes all confused over them once in a while. Bear with self :)
Sunday, September 6, 2009
There are many reasons to like someone. These reasons pull one closer and closer to the edge of the waterfall. Sometimes, factors not in favour can pull you even closer. Much as you know it's wrong to continue getting sucked in, much as you turn your back and try to walk away, sometimes you just get pulled in, dragged in against your wishes. Once you are off that edge...
You either drown in the chilling waters, get on a lifeboat and sail away, or swim in the sweet waters of the fall forever...
However far you sail away, you'll never forget how that water tasted, ever...
There are many reasons to like someone, but none to love... maybe that's why ardent lovers are called fools by those who do not comprehend...
I went off @
10:24 AM
You either drown in the chilling waters, get on a lifeboat and sail away, or swim in the sweet waters of the fall forever...
However far you sail away, you'll never forget how that water tasted, ever...
There are many reasons to like someone, but none to love... maybe that's why ardent lovers are called fools by those who do not comprehend...
Tuesday and Saturday
Every other day I live through
Just to get to you
These are the days of my life
I went off @
8:24 AM
Every other day I live through
Just to get to you
These are the days of my life
Thursday, September 3, 2009
On the first of september, it rained all day... Sometimes, I tend to forget the changing of months and give it little thought. One day on the shuttle bus, I suddenly felt that having months, and having 12 months in a year is perfect. Every month has its own personality, and about 30 days of each in a year is just nice. I think the aggressive first september rain was the thing that reminded me of the existence of months... I tend to like the months of september, october, november and december. It's probably associated with the cooler, rainier season in singapore :)
It's 6am in the morning, I haven't slept all night, I'm typing incoherent stuff on my blog and I just don't want to go to bed. Sometimes, I think I'm just afraid of going to bed. And I don't really know why.
Wy is coming over to stay tomorrow, yess company for one night :)))
I went off @
2:51 PM
It's 6am in the morning, I haven't slept all night, I'm typing incoherent stuff on my blog and I just don't want to go to bed. Sometimes, I think I'm just afraid of going to bed. And I don't really know why.
Wy is coming over to stay tomorrow, yess company for one night :)))
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of the devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I still haven't found what I'm looking for - U2
It's so rare to find something I'm looking for, cos admittedly, I'm very demanding. But when I find these gems and get blinded by their complex, luscious lights, alas they are not on the path I'm walking on... it would not be impossible for me to deviate from my path, but they are too far away, anyway.
I went off @
2:42 PM
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of the devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I still haven't found what I'm looking for - U2
It's so rare to find something I'm looking for, cos admittedly, I'm very demanding. But when I find these gems and get blinded by their complex, luscious lights, alas they are not on the path I'm walking on... it would not be impossible for me to deviate from my path, but they are too far away, anyway.
'We can't control feelings but we can control what we do about it.'
I always say I can't control my feelings, but I never took an extra step to think a little more about it, content to let myself wallow in self-pity. So I guess the above sentence is rather profounddd and eye-opening. It's a good guideline, a good approach.
I feel that by controlling our actions, we would at least minimise some damage. Of course, the internal damage would be just as much, and some unwitting actions might leak out. But on the whole, controlling what we do would help to reduce the overall damage a little :)
This time, control. You can rot all you want, smile all you want, cry all you want when you're alone. But on the surface, control... control...
I went off @
2:26 PM
I always say I can't control my feelings, but I never took an extra step to think a little more about it, content to let myself wallow in self-pity. So I guess the above sentence is rather profounddd and eye-opening. It's a good guideline, a good approach.
I feel that by controlling our actions, we would at least minimise some damage. Of course, the internal damage would be just as much, and some unwitting actions might leak out. But on the whole, controlling what we do would help to reduce the overall damage a little :)
This time, control. You can rot all you want, smile all you want, cry all you want when you're alone. But on the surface, control... control...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Even though the air was dusty and the roads chaotic, even though it was way out of my comfort zone, even though I was mostly sick there... I miss Viet Nam. I miss being away from responsibilities and just exploring a new land with my sisters... It's good to be back in hall but schoolwork is really overwhelming me this semester. I'm breaking out in sores and stressed to the core.
Almost every night I sit around doing nothing useful, when there's so much to do. I really need to whip myself into order.
Well the IVP list has been released and at least its good news that I've made the 30 :) Floorball is something that excites me, but when something excites you, it brings not only happiness but also worry into your life. I'll remind myself to savour the good, and not give up when times are tough. Especially since this is a tough year. Even when there does not seem to be enough time, there will be, somewhere. I just gotta manage it better. If I can manage the challenges on the court, I can do so elsewhere too.. I must!!!
Listlessness just feels good sometimes...
I went off @
9:16 AM
Almost every night I sit around doing nothing useful, when there's so much to do. I really need to whip myself into order.
Well the IVP list has been released and at least its good news that I've made the 30 :) Floorball is something that excites me, but when something excites you, it brings not only happiness but also worry into your life. I'll remind myself to savour the good, and not give up when times are tough. Especially since this is a tough year. Even when there does not seem to be enough time, there will be, somewhere. I just gotta manage it better. If I can manage the challenges on the court, I can do so elsewhere too.. I must!!!
Listlessness just feels good sometimes...