courage to go slow
courage to look back
courage to try and succeed when they say 'you can't'

Tolerance
Reminder of the positives
Maturity
Reasonable argument
Getting away

NEVERENDING STRIFE TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT I WAS BROUGHT UP ON

I've walked with angels under that star-filled sky, and now it's back to reality. Back to the enduring dissastisfaction and pain that put wings on my back and prompted my intent to get out of this country once and for all.

People get married and have families, cos they wanna spend the rest of their lives with more happiness and more love. A family should be where the heart is, home a place you enjoy being. And I'm terribly sad that I can't say the same. Even on a day without all-out scolding, I'm bored and sian and unhappy about being at home, and get more lethargic as the day goes by. And I got told off and accused with illogical arguments. I hate it. To sum it up, I'm just bothered by how I don't like being at home. It's not normal. It's tragic. There were weekends whereby I would go out and not bother being at home cos I know it'd suck. I can do that again when there are league games to watch in tampines in weeks to come.

I feel bad when I hear about friends' happy times with their families. Them talking to, going out with, and having truthful relationships with their parents. And I question how much at fault I am, for being unable to say the same.

Someone who once talked behind my back said I liked many people before. Won't deny it's true, there's an empty spot somewhere that yearns to be filled.

oh, why you look so sad
tears are in your eyes
come on and come to me now
don't be ashamed to cry
let me see you through
cos i've seen the dark side too

when the night falls on you
you don't know what to do
nothing you confess
can make me love you less

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you

so, if you're mad get mad
don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now
hey, what you got to hide
i get angry too
well i'm alot like you

when you're standing at the crossroads
don't know which path to choose
let me come along
cos even if you're wrong

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you
take me in into your darkest hour
and i'll never desert you
i'll stand by you

and when, when the night falls on you baby
you're feeling all alone
you won't be on your own

i'll stand by you
i'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
i'll stand by you

Sometimes I just want to 离家出走.

Had the most tired-out training yesterday, for a long long time! Left leg aching badly since friday but i just hecked and played on and on. Game in training time was all-out horrible and I was quite pissed with myself. But the 3 on 3 after that was LOVE. Reminds me so much of the good old times when we played with the guys, especially in the hall 12 function hall. I guess those are days gone by that will never come back. Very very fond days :)

I'm starting to love floorball again.

Went to watch tempest play jupitans at tsh after training. 8-1!!! Yayyy so happy :) Following matches were quite boring though. One-sided affairs are only fun to watch if you're rooting for the winning team haha. That said, two bad sides are even worse to watch. Which was the case in the last few world cup matches I've been catching. Real bore.

Germany vs Australia coming up in an hour though! Looks like I can stay up to watch a 2.30 match this time. Set an alarm for England vs USA yesterday but refused to wake up haha. Germany are one of my favored sides, I've quite a few of them, but can't say I'm a loyal fan of any one team. Hmm. Go Spain. Haha.

Will be escaping from this place for a few days, where hopefully the weather is cooler and the sky is clearer.

Words can't express how happy I feel to be finally totally rid of that irresponsible and screwed-up company. Suffice it to say that they made me appointments no less than thrice, before they finally met me to hand over the pay, a full one and a half hours later than the agreed on meeting time that is. Really very bad luck to meet such people. No more of that laosai. At last.

So the final meeting place was downtown east, and I was thinking about how measly the pay is, how much money I wasted traveling and my general poverty etc. And I decided to walk home from downtown east by the way we normally take for foc amazing race, which is under the mrt track. But I crossed at an earlier traffic light I normally wouldn't have, and stumbled upon the tampines park connector route. Time being a luxury now, I decided to take this longer but more scenic route back. Rediscovered the joy of walking long distances. And after I reached home, I set off for another walk to bedok reservoir. Really good time enjoying the walks and the views around me. Legs didn't feel too good in the end cos of the strain from training the day before though.

I felt that the day was a case of a flower growing out of a pile of laosai. Happy day alone :) Nice dinner and peaceful night at home after that. Watched the opening world cup match on channel 5 just now.. rather sian cos its South Africa and Mexico, but looking forward to the other matches!!

i think white chocolate mocha's starting to grow on me

It's 10pm and i've been home from my walk only a mere 45 minutes. Apparently, no matter how long a walk I could take, how long I could spend sitting around in the park, nothing is enough. I spent just that 45 minutes sitting in front of the tv with them and that was enough friction to end in a screamfest that the whole block and perhaps neighbourhood can hear. He accused me of doing something wrong again which I didn't, and I lost my cool this time and that was it. Maybe I was malicious and did it on purpose to prove how much of a hell this place is. He scolded me chaocheebye more than 5 times, threatened to take a knife and attack me and said he has nothing to lose by going to jail or dying, and told me to get out of the house and not come back if I wanted to. Then he told my mum he always told her that he never wanted kids and having kids is useless. My mum scolded me for losing my cool and said I shouted cos I am getting arrogant cos I'm earning my own money soon. Another piece of stupid nonsense from hearing people gossip and looking at one-sided examples. I told her I have alreay tolerated his scoldings so many times, I was bound to erupt soon.

The reason why all this is surfacing here, is cos I've learnt how to blog on my phone. Normally, my anger would have subsided by the time I turn on the computer. But now it's good for me that I have this avenue of letting out my anger and try to reduce the anguish by complaining it to anyone who would read this.

I've once warned myself never to give this place another chance, but I let my guard down time and again. New rules for now: get out as much as possible, and whilst here, do not be in the same room, and while being accused, just don't answer. Hmm but the screaming doesn't break my heart that much anymore, it's just another day. Will I really get chopped to pieces in my sleep? Unlikely, but I lock my door at night to safeguard my life just a little.

Guess what it's another awful day in the hellhole. Correction, make that just an awful one and a half hours. Within first minute of his coming back, got accused of sleeping in bed till 5pm, instead of the fact that I went out to take photo for a card in the afternoon. What mental illness is that? Inability to believe the truth? Cue the next few moments, starts vacuuming the floor with sounds of the vacuum cleaner slamming around and indistinct yells of swear words under the suction noises. Cue the next hour, I'm having dinner and I hear a angsty nonsensical voice scream, 'how am I supposed to mop the floor later if you all are at home?' I had no answer so I kept quiet. In the next 10 seconds, bloodcurdling, violent shouts erupted from behind me, i had no idea what they were for, then realized maybe he was shouting at the dog to get lost from the vacuum cleaner. I swear my heart jumped in it's place at the sound of it and it's still not restored to calm now.

So yes that's just an average day in hell. I imagine, this is how real hell is like. And this is a classic reminder why I never want to be home when he is. Go to the library, wherever, just keep away as much as I can. Then again, it's not nearly enough. I need to get out for good. I have been angered every day since I shifted back, when the days in hall were so happy and with very very few if not no angry posts. I don't care how they wanna condemn me for it, I have to do what's best for myself.

Gonna go for a walk now, for as long as I can.

Very very very depressed disappointed discouraged by bad luck at work now. Taking my time at lunch and if they ever ask me why I took so long, I'll say I feel faint and have chest pains, which isn't that far from the truth. And remind them that the other 2 part time staff came more than an hour late, with no consequences at all. I was already working a full hour earlier than them and brought in people which the staff failed to convert into sales. Idiot who came so late brought in and wow staff secured a sale. How not to feel discouraged? I've been psychoing myself for the past few hours just to grin and bear with it, but I feel so sian now I don't think I can go back there and smile somemore. Sighhh. Besides bad luck there is definitely something fishy going on in this screwed up company. Wouldn't name any names but on a personal basis I would advise friends never to buy their exhorbitant products. I'll have to finish out the work, one and a half days left. But heck the commissions already, they don't deserve to sell anything anyway.

These are the happiest and angriest days of my life. The nature of these two powers must be pretty damn great for them to coexist.

I'm getting increasingly pissed with my dad cos he scolded me for totally unreasonable 'reasons'. Totally regret letting him give me a 3 minute lift to the mrt on thursday morning. In just that threeee minutes he SHOUTED and SCOLDED me for not wanting to eat my bread on the cab. I reasoned that I wanted to eat it on the way to the train station or while walking to my destination later and he continued SHOUTING WHYYYYYY, WHY AM I SO DISOBEDIENT AND DIFFICULT. And went on to SHOUT at how I am bad and so on and don't do any housework, when I swear I do. Should really follow wy's advice and video myself doing it so that I can shuff it into his face the next time. BUT that won't solve anything. Polite, sensible, triumphant arguments won't solve anything cos he'll just get angrier if he realises he's wrong and go on to scold even more unfairly. Making you more and more enraged and you start losing your cool and ultimately YOU LOSE.

He ruins my days. Just that heart-wrenching three minute shoutfest in the morning made me feel awful about myself the entire day. Jokes from people about my 'shortcomings' and 'mistakes' left me blackfaced and close to tears everytime. Still, thursday was great and ended with floorball and very enjoyable and affordable teochew porridge at kovan :) It's just that I have problems coming to terms with being moody to people. I feel so bad about it cos it's wrong. What else can I do except to look forward to the days whereby I can avoid this. Cos I'm very sure, without provoking, I'm not that unpleasant and vulgar, like those blissful heavenly days in hall.

And today, friday, I was working, already an agonising experience. The evening was really happy as well and I had supper with friends at cartel till 11 plus. I messaged my mum to tell them that I was out and a friend would be sending me back later. Few minutes later my phone rang and my mum asked me to stop going out and come home now cos its dangerous. I told them I was getting a lift. In the background I heard him yell TOK COK. He even doubts that I'm getting a lift, tell me, how illogical is that. In a few seconds the phone was passed to him, and I get SHOUTED at for going out after work, when I should have come straight home, and that it's dangerous to come back so late. Honestly I know the second half is concern, but as I told them before when initially they didn't wanna let me go to Vietnam cos its 'dangerous'... if you're so paranoid, what's the point of living? This cannot do that cannot do, what's the point even if you live to a hundred? First scolding point, NO GOING OUT AFTER WORK COME STRAIGHT HOME. As usual, I can only say it's cos they don't have friends. And, I don't know. It's just unreasonable to me. And midway he shouted ASK THEM TO SHUT UPPPP cos my friends at the table were talking and maybe he thought they were talking to me. The shouting and shouting and shouting made me so angry that I banged my fist on the table and sofa even though I tried to control my strength. The shouting is almost driving me insane. Most of the time the shouting is so loud that I can't really make out the words so I just put the phone away from my ear to prevent ear damage.

I don't know why I get so affected by it recently. Maybe everything boils down to a matter of not being used to it. I would just endure it but as I said it's ruining my days, my life. I can't hide it anymore and I don't care if the whole world sees my dirty linen. Even though I can hide the linen, I can't rub off the dirt that has seeped into my heart. I feel like a angry moody person because of all this hurt. And I hate it. I want to be a better person.

Cos of this recent spike in nonsense, I have no mood to go to US anymore, since I've to get/borrow money from him. It's really an utter shame and blow to have to use money from someone who ruins your life on a daily basis. So my latest notion is to limit the amount of money I have to take. Still under consideration. Sigh.



i shall wear you to bed
cos you make me safe in a crazy world

tired legs happy hearts :)