I've always heard the saying you can't have your cake and eat it. You win some and lose some.

What happened to my image and relationships in hall... I've gone and ruined it, single-handedly. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and appreciate the friends that I made in hall 13, brought to hall 13, and the friends who are gonna come to hall 13. But what happened to the friendly girl who went down for all the hall activities, made new friends easily, smiled and said hi wherever she went?

She joined the hall committee cos she enjoyed being part of its activities the year before and was excited at being in the driving seat. Then one fine september came and took it all away. A september of tears, closed doors, and sleepless nights. Have you ever tried to smile and say hi when you were crying? Is it even possible? All I know is that it is far easier to hang your head down, ignore, and stare resolutely at the ground. Perhaps it was this ignorance of people that drove them away from me, that incited those awkward stares whenever they walked past me. I knew that despite my best efforts to be friendly and nice, we didn't click anyway. But those stares, something else had to cause them.

Drained and defeated, I wanted to run away from all responsibilities by then. But the tempting hand of fate tapped on my shoulder again. Much as I told myself to run away, I made my way back in, full of hope that this time, I had recovered, that I was ready to live up to my potential. I wanted to make a difference, believing in myself that I had foresight and creativeness and people- skills to offer. But now, I again concede defeat. I fell into another cold dark hole that semester that took me months to climb out of. I had let the train pass my way again.

I now shy away from all activities as much as possible, am not on friendly terms with any of the new people in hall, and ignore them as much as I can.

What happened to that friendly girl who went down for all the hall activities, made new friends easily, smiled and said hi wherever she went?

Gone with the wind? Lost in the tears?

Though it has been a harrowing experience, I do believe that everything that happened, happened for a reason. Even if I let it happen twice in a row. I do not deny that it is my failure. My failure to stop my emotions from running the show, my failure to put on a brave front, my failure to accept things as they are, my failure to keep my heart from running around in places and getting caught in vicious nets.

Once may not have been enough, but twice, and I will remember this for life.

happy during tempest training cos I was finally able to execute the 2-dribble thing. It's mostly a matter of looking up earlier and keeping cool.

happy cos siti and wanling taught me well and we did well for 3 on 4 defending. (Though I still do not exactly know what I did right =p)

happy cos I ate some humble pie and listened to siti's advice cheerfully. lol.

happy cos I can learn from many seniors.

happy cos I made an assist to ain in the games!

happy cos xiushan said it was a nice pass and she was super nice to me though my 2 on 1 is very cui.

happy cos I had a breakthrough in the games that hit the post!

happy with the jog I had with meiyin after training. (narh, meiyin, don't be so jealous of xiushan now k)

happy with succeeding at surprising yirui last night. haha. though I was quite lousy and left the box in her view, she is even more blur than me. lol.

happy cos I think yirui's birthday card is very nice. hahaha i really like it!

happy cos I got to drink last night. thanks cindy.

happy cos cindy and meiyin helped me bring my floorball stuff to src today though there's no need for me to go there straight =p

i feel dem loved seriously! =)

Result of my binge-sleep weekend? Blood in my stools, and slight bleeding for half a day. I don't know if it's just constipation or a more sinister reason as my dad's family has a history of gastric problems. My aunt had to undergo some operation for polyphs which are said to hurt like hell, and on my mum's side, my maternal grandma had colon cancer in the 1980s.

I'll try not to think about it too much, and hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong. Hopefully it's just cos of an unhealthy lifestyle which can be rectified by sleeping earlier and eating healthier.

Fingers crossed. Mind over matter.

I haven't blogged rubbish in such a 'long time' that I can't stop doing it now.

Cos I'm talking to feidiao and feiyong now, shall just write about them.

Feidiao came to share donuts one day last week. Donuts from a company which I'm not familiar with and dunno how the different flavours look like. I felt so happy and like a small kid again when I could choose and be surprised by the flavours when I took a bite. Cos there are hardly any chances for people to be surprised these days, isn't it? Thanks so much for sharing. It's a small action and maybe coincidental (bumped into him on the bus maybe that's why he remembered me haha).. but it really made my day =D

And feiyong, so stressed out from studies this sem. JIAYOU k! I have faith that you can manage and do well, we are all behind you! All the way for floorball also, stop threatening that you wanna quit LOL. Really think you did quite well in the last friendly.. ALL THE WAY!

Two months and three weeks of my internship are done! On the bright side, time has passed pretty quickly and things got a lot more interesting and fulfiling the last month. On the flip side, I'm still not getting used to life as a 8 to 6 worker.

I'm still sleeping three hours every night and waking up late everyday. And since training was canceled this saturday, I took the chance to sleep in, and my weekend just turned into a sleepfest. On saturday I slept till 12+, had lunch, and went back to sleep at 2+. I thought it would be a short nap, but I woke up in horror to see dark skies at 7+. And today, I once again took a four hour long nap in the afternoon. It's a cycle of eat-sleep-eat-sleep and its not doing my stomach any good. The acid problem has intensified and I'm getting stomach rumbling and hunger more often. An overhaul to my life is in order.

Where does it all begin? The sleeping hours during the weekdays. I must get myself to bed at maximum 1+ every night. And go jogging more often cos I think my unhealthy lifestyle is one reason why I'm so tired all the time.

There's still 3 months more of internship to go and I must make sure I don't get any unhealthier!

Last week on a whole was actually pretty good for me =)

I was occupied at work the whole day doing easy manual stuff and photo editing/photomontages, which I like. I was also pretty happy with the tempest friendly on thursday, cos I picked myself out of the rubbish training on wednesday and did relatively well. Had a few passes which my teammates could get shots on target! If the goalie hadn't saved them that would have meant I had assists =D I felt I covered the ball quite well and remembered to go in with my body too. Haha but there was once where I waited for the ball to come and this girl twice my size swooped in from behind to steal it. Shame shame. Must move forward to get balls next time! Was rather happy with myself but as usual... its the STAMINA problem. Couldn't run into space much and lost most 50-50 balls in the later periods. And I looked so fragile and wasted that more than one person asked me if I was okay. GO AND RUN LA!

Improvements are improvements, but there are essentials of a being that aren't intended for change.

I'm a dark person. Try as I might to be friendly sometimes, you probably would not see me as a creature of summer or spring. You're more likely to spot me among the falling leaves and drifting snow. I revel in it.

Right now, there's still something missing from my life. I've climbed out of the latest hole in my path, but chunks of me are still missing. The weather forecast in my world is stuck on cloudy, with occasional rain, but never clear and sunny. And yes, I enjoy living in this world.

I think a lot, think comprehensively, and arrive at multiple conjectures with speed. That means I see both negative and positive possibilities and would debate between the two. Thinking about negative possibilities does make me a negative and bitter person. I do not like the effects, but I rather have it this way than the other.

Question is, can I keep my core yet improve my heart, mind and body?

"I'll fight my way to the top."

"I may not be as naturally talented, but I like it this way cos therein lies the challenge."

"Being an inspiration is one of the best feelings I've had in my life."

Things that happened over the past few days have greatly motivated me to become a better player, a better person. My desire to want to be there for storm, my happiness when I see their smiles. The juniors are like little chicks I wanna take care of and nurture, and eventually see them fly. It's a feeling that I didn't really expect, cos I'm so not your textbook mother figure, all twinkly-eyed and smiley. It's a rediscovered passion, one that I know I must make some improvements to myself to pursue.

And the happenings in tempest training today gave me a further push. In a peanutshell, I haven't been on form recently and have great difficulty digesting instructions. It's frustrating and demoralising to say the least, but I know I must maintain a humble and teachable attitude. I made the switch to leave the safety of the boat, and I will learn how to swim.

Learning to swim is never easy. Some days you do well, some days your mind and body fake amnesia and refuse to comply, some days they're so tired that all your tries are in vain. But something I've learned is that one must smile even as you struggle, for the world loves smilers and loathes frowners. That's my shortcoming, I rarely make a good impression on acquaintances cos I don't smile enough. I can literally feel the distance and dislike for me coming out from some people sometimes. It's a pity.

Well nevermind them. For myself, I shall try my best to learn how to swim, and never give up.

It was a simple night out, good movie, lots of popcorn, and a dinner that wemusteatorlaterwewillgethungryanddie.

Marley and me was gush-inducing, funny, touching and thought-provoking (you'll wonder if jennifer aniston was wearing a non-padded bra, or not wearing a bra). I absolutely adore movies with cute animals, marley is just sooo cute. Him squirming around the farm and stoning at jenny when he was picked up, him wrecking the house and whining, him lying in the double decker bed... just so cute. And I think it's very sweet when dogs put their heads on you when you're feeling down =) I just can't get enough of cute dogs, and will definitely want to watch it again! You can literally laugh and cry at the same time while watching it.. Well except perhaps meiyin =p I didn't realise till yesterday that she really doesn't cry at stuff that the rest of us couldn't stop tearing about. Strong, heartless, faulty tear ducts? hahah..

Really enjoyed myself last night =)

Death, murders and crime encircled my thoughts for the past few days. The obvious thing is that most of this shit is done by men. Murders, affairs, paternity suits, rapes, molests... affair then murder. Wth man.

I looked at men with disgust on my train back today. I squirmed when I saw a man hugging his girlfriend/wife on the train. I looked at their faces and wonder who is actually having an affair.

Well most men are limited by biology. Screw them. Cheating on their wives with younger women. They freaking disgust me. I've heard the usual talk of them not being able to control themselves cos that's how they are made, they are made to sow their seed as wide as possible, with as fertile partners as possible. Well so be it. I accept that, and do not trust them.

I may have a relationship, but marriage is carrying it too far. There's too much promised, and too much to lose if the promises are broken.

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One must have a special kind of gruesome disposition to commit a murder. Don't they think about how the person's loved ones would feel, how they would feel if they were in their shoes? How can anyone ever bring themselves to take another's life... It is chilling to think some humans have this in them. And the fact is most killers are men. Is it a coincidence that there are more inhumane men than women? Or is it once again, their chemistry and biology that makes them more susceptible to violent nature? I'm sure it is. This puts life into perspective. We can't really hold fate in the palm of our hands. At times, our lives are simply limited by that chromosome we're born with, that protein we lack, that hormone we overproduce. No matter how much the human sprit is supposed to triumph, the statistics tell no lies. If a man were born a woman and put through the same situations, she just may not commit that murder cos her disposition controls that anger.

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It's hard to feel optimistic about life with thoughts like these. But the truth is I'm happy with my life. I appreciate the luck and love I have, and beyond those harsh words, I have hope in the human soul.

I did not have an easy time at tempest training last night, I would say it was my toughest yet. My basics were simply not there - passing, controlling, shooting, cos of the newly changed grip. Haha, I know it sounds very excusy, but it's true. The new grip has made my stick heavier than usual, and somehow I cannot execute those basic stuff anymore. Tempest doesn't do static passes, which is necessary for me, and we start straight off with running passes. I wanted to dig a hole and burrow in it after doing it twice with lily. Each time I passed, I passed on the wrong side, too ahead or too behind. I could have died of shame. Basic running passes and I couldn't do it. Next was the dribbling past eddie, I could not digest the information and did not do as directed until he acted it out again. Further self-shame. Direct shots were way below par too. At this point my anger at myself was beginning to show as I visibly rolled my eyes and drooped my head. But that little voice inside me kept on encouraging... 'I do need time to get used to the new weight of the stick, I'm here to learn, I'm not lousy'.

That night when I went back to hall, I did something that I hadn't done for so long I can't remember the last time I did it. I picked up my floorball stick and a ball and went down to practise for 40 minutes. Even though I get the mandatory giddiness from looking down at the floor too much, I felt great after the practice. I feel ashamed for not practising, even through IVP. Why was I so complacent?... It took a change in my stick conditions to get my ass down and dirty and practise hard again.

This is a lesson to myself to not slacken off ever, I should practise on my own no matter the circumstances. And to borrow some of ayeen's equation...

To be the ideal floorballer that I wanna be...

hard work
noncomplacency
willingness to learn
passion

and the composure and confidence shall follow.