My plans to ignore, be mean, and remove my goodwill FAILED. I tried. But I failed. Efforts to be a little rude and distant just failed miserably. Haha.. but I'm glad I failed, it would be unfair anyway.

Oh well but a good night's sleep helped me to cool down and removed the 'ihatethisworld' and 'theysuck' feelings. I admit that they most probably aren't laughing at me on purpose, and have no mean intentions. Some accusations that ran through my mind while I was worked up are probably untrue too. It's just me who's being petty. And I should get over things, get over a hundred and one things.

It's nobody's fault that I am so freaking self-pitiful and emotional. It's not yours, not yours, and most definitely not yours.

On a brighter note, this stupid silly slacker passed all her subjects for last semester!!! =))) triple hurray! Statistics was a total scam, they actually let me pass with a C. And I passed biz law too! Thanks again to the great friends who helped =) Genes 'R' us salvaged my semester with a A+, and my dismal cores managed Bs. Happy!

Sad.
Sad.
Sad.
Betrayed.
Sad.
Pissed.
Hurt.
Sad.
Sad.
Pissed.
Sad.
Betrayed.
Sad.
Hurt to the end of the universe.
Feel like shit.
Horrible dark cloud hanging over my entire universe.
No hope.
No ray of sunshine.
Horrid laughter ringing in my ears.
Laughing at my stupidity.
Laughing at my ineptness.
Laughing at my enthusiasm.
Laughing at my goodness.
Laughing at my failure.
Disappointment.
Wish I can just go to hell right now.
Sad.
Unappreciated.
Unappreciated.
S.
A.
D.

I am so totally getting my comeuppance for being a bad friend when I was seventeen.

I am happy cos I had a fruitful shopping trip - bought a nice pair of nike socks for the storm gathering gift exchange for only $5.35, and an adidas sports bra for $23! What a steal.. And I enjoyed myself writing 'Merry Christmas' on the paper I used to wrap the socks. Haha, though it's a few days belated and the party isn't exactly a christmas party, I couldn't resist using the design I saw online the moment I saw it, it's too cool and pretty. Haha, I don't care, it looks darn nice anyway, and the socks are not half bad either. Hope whoever receives it is happy! I love making people happy, love going the extra mile for people. To the extent that some will ask 'why are you so sacrificial'. Truth be told, I am disturbed by myself sometimes. Do I want something in return, do I want to be someone I'm not, do I want praise and acknowledgment, am I trying to atone for some sins? I'm sure the above statements ring true to a very very minute extent, and I really cannot help it. At least I know that for the most part, I simply want to give people what they wish for, bring a smile to their faces, and warm their hearts.

And well, I'm happy cos though I met up with my ex today, it's just another day, and I'm slowly but surely getting over him. My original idea was to maintain good relations and be friends with him. But now, I think we are incompatible to the extent that I don't even feel comfortable being friends. There's just nothing to talk about, I do not like the things he talks about, nor the way he talks. Makes me feel like a fool for ever being with him.. oh well, but I do not regret it. Unsuitable relationships and heartbreaks are part and parcel of life. I'm now wiser and hey, if I die tomorrow, I know I've tasted love once in my life.

Sigh, though I do not feel nice going out with him, I cannot fathom the idea of cutting someone I loved so much completely out of my life. I still want to know how he's doing and so on. And I could ask about his current relationship and listen without feeling weepy and jealous, not even now, when I'm alone. There is only a slight tug of sadness when I think about them, and I wonder if it will ever disappear. I guess not. I guess a part of me will love him my whole life. I can only tell myself to be thankful of the love we shared, and be happy for him.

Last Christmas was an absolute horror; it was when I first found out that he had a new girlfriend. Last Christmas was ugly, torturous and heart wrenching. Yes, I broke up more than a year ago. I can't believe I am taking this long to heal, and freaking happy that I feel so much better now. This Christmas was great. I had a good time at home even though my parents did shout around at each other a little. Christmas lunch was nice, mahjong with family and friends was good too. Really gotta thank sj for encouraging me to change my attitude towards my family. I languished in escapism and dislike for a long time, but a few wise and positive words did the trick. I felt ashamed and stupid for letting the problem go unchecked for so long, and a little thought and attitude change really did wonders =) Shall appreciate more of my parents good points and harp less on their bad, no one is perfect.

Here's a toast to moving on and growing up. May I cherish the freedom of being out of an unloving and unstimulating relationship. There are better stuff out there waiting for me.

Wow what a lazy ass I am! I haven't updated my blog since December 13th.

We had our IVP camp from the 15th to 17th and I really enjoyed it! Haha.. in fact, I forgot whatever shortcomings it had already. I only know I enjoyed spending the two and a half days with my teammates, having leisurely breakfasts together, playing lame games, training, bathing, sleeping, all as a team. And this is the second year in a row which I didn't watch the inspirational movie that was screened =p As usual, I couldn't stay up and fell asleep maybe one quarter into it. Haha.. sorry! It's just really difficult to keep my attention, and movies and TV shows have a really hard time doing that. I actually fell asleep halfway through 'The Dark Knight' whereas others who watched it raved about how good it was. I, however, found it draggy and my tired eyes gave up, and I dozed off. My attention is really really precious, so please treasure it when you get it! =p

Oh well December is flying by, sadly. The days are passing ever so quickly. And I've played tons of mahjong! Mahjong is a weird thing. It is just a game, but then again, it is amazingly multi-faceted. I've made friends through mahjong, seen some true colors through mahjong, had bad times, had outrageously fun and hilarious times, also gleaning more of my own personality through it. Issues present in real life are brought to the mahjong table - money, friendship, love, luck, intelligence, daring, temperament... A game of mahjong can be an unpleasant experience. For me, if there is one long face at the table, my day is spoilt. Three long faces, and it can be downright torturous. There's no fun anymore, even if you're winning. Sooo, happy people of the world, please jio me for mahjong! Black faces and chip throwers, stay away. Haha, if only things were as simple as that. Mahjong certainly mirrors real life, and things are never that clear cut. Some people can be bad-tempered and snappy some days, and good natured or even fun and crazy on others. So you end up still jioing them cos there were some good times, or agree cos you're afraid of hurting them. Sounds like a bad relationship to me -_- Like why some people stay with partners who hurt them deeply. Cos there's always once in a blue moon that he can be outtathisworld perfect and nice.

As far as I can, I want to play with people who do not pull long faces and snap around during mahjong. And I wish to stay away from people who are not nice to me and hurt me. That is a tough task, cos I know I secretly enjoy pain and to be tortured, to pity myself. To get depressed and shirk my responsibilities. To just drink and amplify my pain, to cry and say my life sucks. Well it does. As much as I appreciate the positive parts of my life, there is always a part of me that thinks life sucks. I am allowing myself to spiral into disrepair once again. Arh... and I'm not bothering to pick myself out of it just yet. I get the hints, I suck anyway - weird, erratic, lousy, ugly, untalented, stupid, childish, mean, bad, not nice, anything, especially emo and attention seeking. I know I'm gonna regret typing this, but heck. Haha. Ok I still can laugh - add in crazy to that list too.

Your type, INFJ, is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type.

You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously.

You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-long-scientific-personality-test

Sounds like me. The thing about personality tests and horoscopes is that it is easy to identify with most results. Cos personality is so multi-faceted and situational at times that there's a very high chance that you would have behaved or felt in the described manner before.

I identify most with the fact that I'm supposed to be emphatic and prefer dealing with complicated people or issues. I do enjoy predicting what people are thinking and feeling, and enjoy most hanging around complicated people as they're less predictable. I like thinking about complex issues and discussing them. Then I remembered, while talking about JC days today, that I hated GP lessons and used to sleep or doodle through them. I do not remember speaking up or even listening to the issues discussed. So I contend that I JUST HATE LESSONS. I HATE LESSONS. Lessons do not stimulate me. I do not like being made to discuss issues cos it's scheduled for that week. I do not like to listen to people talking in class, especially when it's crap. I just do not want to pay attention. I like to discuss issues that pop up unexpectedly when I am talking in my free time. I like my freedom to discuss what I want when I feel like it with the people I choose. I sound like a mad delinquent but seriously, the reality is that some people just do not react well to being instructed in classes. It is a challenge for the education service to deal with these people! They've done well in recognising that some students are hands-on people and implemented the relevant institutions and methods of instructing. BUT the students who are non-hands on but do not fit into normal lessons cos they're freedomloving/attitude/arrogant/shortattentionspan are still being left out. Not that they do badly, but I'm sure educators can engage them better in time to come.

The hypocrisy and irony of the situation is that being a teacher is still an option to me. I'll be seeing how my internship in public relations goes next semester. If it's not my cup of tea, then going to NIE to study PE will be an option. But it's gonna be a very tough decision. I have the niggling feeling that my analytical interests would not be put to full use as a teacher. Correct me if I'm wrong. Anyhow, being a sports coach is actually more my thing than a teacher. Of course, I'm not good enough now. But it's my dream to be a coach, to be able to teach and shape lives from the floorball court.

I've been reflecting on why I am playing floorball, or why do people play competitive sport in general. It is a luxury that comes with being in a comfortably developed country, where our basic needs for safety and knowledge are met. Such that there is time and money for recreation and competition. In a nutshell, being in a sports team builds character and teaches life lessons.

I ask myself 'so what if I improve my skills, so what if we win'? The end result is simply a fulfillment of egos. But it is really the process and the reflection that are worthy of safekeeping. The pains, the sacrifices, the friendships, the strength of character that pulled you through, the flaws in yourself that showed up raw and red in the process of training. Strengths that you'll build on, strengths that will be admired. Flaws that you will try to change, flaws that your true friends will accept.

Being in a sports team is a high order privilege. Take it.

Is our fate written in the stars, or do we hold it in the palm of our hands?

I was stumped when asked this question a couple of days ago. I took a moment to think of what the word 'fate' meant, then settled on the stand that we do hold fate in the palm of our hands. In the past, I did use to think that our fate is already laid down for us somewhere, that our life path is already paved out, that there is someone out there for us. Now, not so. It doesn't feel right to think that my life has already been decided for me. But still, there is something in me that appreciates phrases like 'everything happens for a reason' and 'oh well its fated'. A part of me still believes in fate =)

As usual, I am too lazy to make constant updates =p

Hmm so what has happened since last Wednesday...

First off SIM Floorball Madness! My team consisting of the 4am nasi lemak girl, ubin girl, 3am laundry girl, and me (sleepat4amfornoreason girl) came in 2nd! =)) Not bad for a bunch of misfits huh =p HURRAY for the fun we all had and the 50 bucks we each won.. haha.. And personally, I hoped that the event would help to rekindle my interest in floorball, and it did =)

The four of us





















All the winners =)





















Well so let's fast forward to yesterday, where we had our first IVP training after about a month. While I left the last training demoralised and destroyed, yesterday was definitely a new beginning. Entered the court feeling happy and enthusiastic, and learned a lot from coach about mentality and attitudes. Many things to ponder about, but the bottomline for me?

TAKE CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS, NOT LET EMOTIONS CONTROL ME

My main issues - fearlessness, confidence, self-control all thrown into that sentence. It's a lot more hopeful and controlled when someone in authority spells things out and guides us along, and I'm very thankful for a coach like this =) And as for the team, I really felt for what I spoke about, we must truly see this team as family, only then can we really trust each other. And cheesy as it sounds, we have to make a start by getting to know each other better. After all, how can you trust someone whom you don't even talk to? Which, I admit, is the case between some members of the team and myself now. They are distant, and I'm living in my comfort zone of the people I already get along with. But yes, effort must be made! *cross my heart I will.

And I had the wettest day today.

The aim: to meet at valhall at 1.30 p.m. to use the voucher we won in street challenge.

The conditions: erratic weather, no umbrella, no handphone.

12.30 p.m: I walk out of Changi General Hospital in a slight drizzle instead of taking the shuttle bus to the MRT cos I'm too lazy to wait for it and squeeze with all the auntie uncles. I make it to the nearest HDB block with only a little wetness.

12.35 p.m: Suddenly 'blahhhh' heavy rain and strong winds, I still had 2 roads to cross before reaching the MRT and I'm too impatient to wait around for the rain to stop. Result: drenched part I.

12.50 - 1.10 p.m: Safely on the MRT, where I was relieved as I saw the rain getting lighter as the train traveled west.

1.15 p.m: From Kallang MRT, walked to the number 11 bus stop in slight drizzle (sound familiar?), and decided not to take a cab since it was only a drizzle.

1.35 p.m: While on bus 'blahhhhhh' it started to rain heavily again.

1.45 p.m: Hopped down the bus and started to make my way to valhall in heavy rain, once again too lazy to wait for the rain to stop. Result: drenched part II.

1.50 p.m: Reached valhall! And I was the earliest there still. LOL.

Thanks to my trusty waterproof purple crumpler that my beloved friends got me for my birthday, my hair was saved from the rain =D

No harm done to my love affair with rain of course, and rain provided the perfect backdrop for my starbucks craving! Haha pathetic as it sounds, I haven't been to starbucks for months, and the perfect ambience at the leisure park starbucks was just impossible to resist. So I got a caramel frappuccino even though I'm supposed to be on a getfitforivpdiet. No regrets there though, haven't tasted it in such a long while. Coupled with lovely cushion seats, full length windows with rain pouring in the distance and streams of rain running down the glass, and something to read - Hey I think I may have found a slice of my paradise.