It's a random thought night again.

I love rainy days.
I love the sound of rain pattering on rooftops and puddles.
I love the smell that precedes it.
I love the weather it brings.
I love the splatters it makes on windows.
I love the raindrops that are illuminated around a bulb of light.
I love snuggling under my blanket while a heavy storm rages outside my window.
I love being in a car on a rainy day, for it brings back good memories of being a kid and enjoying how the spots of rain on the windows would cast shadows on me and make me ask my parents enthusiastically 'do i look like a dalmatian?' Haha.. I certainly miss being a kid.
I love being in a car on a rainy day, for it brings me fuzzy images of my future, where I would be the one driving on a rainy night with the one I love.
I love how the rain makes me feel good without any reason at all.
I constantly search on for the reasons why, and I realise the above reasons are separate things I enjoy, but they do not explain why I just love rain. That's why I love it as much as ever, because it's mysterious.

Cut.

I was wondering why some of my friends are unattached, and I came up with a too-good-for-him hypothesis, the togfoh theory. One is too rich, one is too straightforward(in a good way), one is too damn smart, one is too nice-natured, one is too driven. All too-good-for-him. Haha the terms used to describe these girls are by no means exhaustive and are meant to be a stereotypical joke. If you find that you fit the descriptions of any of the above-mentioned, don't fret, instead, be honored cos I'm paying you a compliment, haha!

Cut.

Last night, I fulfilled my long-awaited desire. Very very long awaited. I had been wanting to down a couple of beers very badly ever since exam preparations started three weeks ago, but resisted it time and again in the fear that I would not be able to wake up early enough the next day. But last night I finallyyyy got what I wanted, and it was bloody worth the wait! It was GOOD and I'm so darn happy =)) Watched 50 first dates while drinking last night and surprisingly, I didn't even feel like crying this time. Beats me why I sobbed at the touching scenes like a battered bitch when I watched it when I was eighteen. Have I hardened or have circumstances just changed? If they have, they definitely have changed for the better.

Cut.

Went to chomp chomp for the first time in my life today, for the novelty factor. I'm just a sucker for going to places I've never been to before, and got suan-ed by some mean people for looking out of the bus and asking 'reaching already right??' as enthusiastically as when I was a kid =( Haha.. Had satay beehoon, hokkien mee, stingray, chicken wing and sugarcane! All shared of course =p I'd been surviving on canteen A/13/14 food for the past three weeks and anything, anything from the outside world would be satisfactory. But having my favorite hawker food was more than satisfactory, it was just heavennn. I don't really know how to judge the standard of the food, as long as it's not awful, I'm happy! Rather easily pleased =p

Cut.

There are two ways of seeing why I prefer looking forward to things rather than the event itself.
One - I just like hankering after things and do not appreciate it when I get it.
Two - I like thinking of the possibilities and that is hampered when reality (only one possibility out of so many) happens. And well a lot of the time, reality doesn't match up to what I imagine. Thus the disappointment.
I think I'll go for option two, haha.. But I must admit that option one is probably true to some extent.

Cut.

I've been feeling exceedingly tired the past two days, constantly on the verge of sleep in the afternoons and feeling a strange throbbing in my head that tells me I'm gonna fall sick. But after the lovely beer and chips affair last night, the symptoms disappeared. I wonder if it just put it off or cured it. Actually been tired the whole day since the moment I woke up, to the dreary NUAing in the afternoon, to the night time when I should have already gone to bed. Instead, it's 2.30 a.m. now and I am still reluctant to go to bed. Beats me why I do some things really. There's so much of myself I still don't understand, and I will never want to know everything. Where would the fun in life be if I did?

My exams were scheduled to end at 3 p.m. today, but I decided to take things into my own hands and ended it at 2.45 instead. Haha.. herein lies the irony: Leaving the agonising exam hall earlier and avoiding the packed-sardine rush out of it probably made me appreciate the end of exams less =(

And perhaps this has always been a problem for me. While others are normally nothing short of jubilant to end exams, for me, it always 'doesn't sink in'. In fact, I felt more happy in the last 2 days because the end was so near. But once I get it, boom, anticlimax! It's interesting how I am more turned on by the planning and anticipation of happy events instead of the event itself. Arh the exam I took today had many psychological principles, and it's killing me cos the principles are everywhere! Even now, I have the urge to analyse myself. But I'll save it for another time seeing it's 2.30 a.m. now. Haha oh well I know a simpler reason why I am not terribly ecstatic: exam time wasn't that bad for me in the first place.

Exam time: No classes, didn't need to go home for 3 weeks, studied with friends. I didn't have to suffer greatly or anything like that, and honestly, I enjoyed doing most of the papers besides that wretched statistics exam. And the concessions I had to make were few - diligently waking up early in the morning for most days, leaving the comfort of hall and jostling with other muggers at the library. Nah they're not that pain inducing =)

You're not alone if you are thinking 'she's weird' by now. After all, who likes doing exams, and who likes to be confined to this 'sprawling, lush green campus' for 3 weeks? These people exist, but they are far and few I guess..

Weird or unique, your take.

From a very good JC friend of mine: "I used to think you were weird but I came to see that you're very special in your own way, don't change!"

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

Well the title says it all. A sure-fail unless a miracle happens. A miracle that can ignore that I left 30 marks totally blank, and was desperately trying to maintain peace of mind while navigating the other 70 marks. Needless to say, my mind went blank and heart went thump, and I could not think straight enough to get satisfactory test results for the other questions. Everything I did was so hassled and hurried and was probably strewn with errors.

Math exams and me just DON'T CLICK. I did manage to study and understand everything, and practised what was shown in the textbook. But I just can't do math questions when they really come at me in exams =( Well so much for not sticking to my comfort zone and choosing to take this subject. I guess there's a price to pay for playing with fire.

I'm hoping for a miracle, for there's a rumor that they wouldn't fail students so easily in CS. But I think it's a really long shot this time. They can't possibly pass someone who got an average of 40+ for quizzes, couldn't contribute much to the group project for the lack of statistics knowledge in the semester, and whose final paper is not that much better too.

It's really GG this time.

Any silver lining? Haha, but of course.

Believe it or not, the things that I've learnt will be useful to me even if I decide to pursue a career in public relations (which I most probably am). The basic statistics knowledge will definitely come in handy. And yes, I can actually perform the statistical tests outside the darn exam.

And a few people have confirmed with me that core PEs do not need to be repeated! I really hope so, heh.

Anyhow, just 2 more days of studying left! Last paper on Monday, and on Tuesday kayteevee! whee!! =))

There is truth in the statement that a university education is far from being just academic.

Just from a business law paper today, I learned quite a few things about life, my life.

I learned that you alone are responsible for your actions and will have to bear the consequences.

I learned that unfulfilled potential is a bitter pill to swallow, something that I cannot wash down my throat even after years of guzzling down excuses.

I learned that everything happened for a reason, or rather, there is good in situations I find myself in, even though they may not be where I wanted to be at first.

To cut the long story short, I had higher hopes for myself when I was younger - to be a biological researcher at the top of her game, to be a lawyer (hence the biz law connection). But the same bad attitude led to not-stellar-enough results and an inconfidence that prevented my application for law.

But as I finished my business law paper just now, I ended the day in a good mood. I thought of how my brains remain, and how I can still put it to good use in any field I choose. And I thought of how many people have given me support in just one business law paper.

Thank you xh for lending me your textbook, cindy for your notes and tags, sj for your zai notes, wy for your hard disk, vian and xl for your highlighters! =)) Yes, I can hear the sniggering that 'why does she need to borrow so much stuff from people'? Haha.. yes I am inept and slack and whatnot, but hey at least it gave everyone a chance to spread their love! I really feel the love, and feel so lucky to have come to NTU and to my course, my hall and floorball. Regrets there might be, but there are no doubts that I am happy to be here, right here, right now, in this position.

Well this is it, exams have begun, and I'm slowly making my way to the midpoint. Two papers down, and three more to go. Let me introduce you to them:

Business Law
Lectures went for: 0.5
Tutorials went for: 2
Class participation: 0

Statistics and Data Analysis
Lessons went for: 70%
Lessons paid attention to: 10%
Number of quizzes MCed: 1
Number of quizzes lowest in class: 2

Persuasion and social influence
Lessons went for: 60%
Number of quizzes not studied for: 2 out of 3

Regret: 20%

If I had a chance to live through the semester all over again, I would probably do the same thing, albeit with a slight improvement (number corresponding to the regret percentage).

Some might chide me for taking all this so lightly and even despise me. I may be a lil crazy, but what the heck, it's my choice, and my fault if anything seriously wrong happens. Haha, what's done is done, and I will have to try my best to beautify myself in death. Swear to self: Put in best effort in preparing for the rest of the exams.

With my preparations taking up most of my time and attention (truly! =p), I haven't had the time to ramble on about these thoughts which have crossed my mind -

=Men are headed for extinction, we do not need them=

=Why do people think about emotional stuff during exams=

=Why am I losing interest in floorball recently=

So much rambling potential, haha, but not the right mood and time. The time will come!

Till then, good luck to everyone taking exams... Fight on.

Love , can't you see I'm alone
Can't you give this fool a chance
A little love is all I ask
A little kindness in the night

Please don't leave me behind
No , don't tell me love is blind
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

Ooh love , I've been searchin' so long
I've been searchin' high and low
And little love is all I ask
A little sadness when you go

Maybe you'll need a friend
Only please don't let's pretend
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

I wanna spread my wings
But I just can't fly
As a string of pearls
The pretty girls go sailin' by

Ocean deep
I'm so afraid to show my feelings
I have sailed a million ceilings
In my solitary room

Ocean deep
Will I ever find a lover
Maybe she has found another
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep
Ocean deep

Now , can't you hear when I call
Can't you hear the word I say
A little love is all I ask
A little feelin' when we touch

Why am I still alone
I've got a heart without a home
A little love is all I ask
And that is all

I'm so lonely , lonely , lonely
(Ocean deep)
On my own in my room
I'm so lonely
(Ocean deep)
I'm so lonely , I'm so lonely ...

窗外阴天了
音乐低声了
我的心开始想你了
灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了

At long last, this semester is officially over.

O-V-E-R.

I've handed in my last filthy assignment, had my last unproductive group meeting, typed my last full stop for my last reference list this semester.

All the project deadlines, social loafing, struggling to wake up for lessons, feeling guilty for skipping them, and getting MCs.

It is over for now. Yippie =)

I've been through this cycle for the fifth time, and am starting to envy the freshmen who have just embarked on their university journey. Though I constantly pray for every semester to end, I do not want time to fly by so quickly as well. Despite all the unpleasant academic happenings that someone like me will inevitably encounter every semester, school life is still darn enjoyable. Many enjoyable activities this semester! =))

And believe it or not, the week just before exams (this week) is my favorite week every semester. No group mates to deal with, no presentations to prepare for, no crappy academic papers to write. Furthermore, since most subjects go unstudied by me all semester long, this will be the time that I actually expand my knowledge and learn new things. It really is rather enjoyable. Well, I'm trying to apply that attitude to Statistics and Data Analysis though. Go on and laugh, my aptitude for math is zero point gazillion zero one. But I'll have to take on this challenge and pass this subject. Best of luck to me.

And to everyone who insists on harping on negatively about exams, have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies? Though some cases are indeed pretty dire, the best you can do is at least be driven and move in the positive direction, not blindly saunter towards your death. Yes, stats notes here I come! Haha..

It is a luxury to be able to start studying, after the dust of the mad project rush of the semester has settled.

Study time has officially begun. Gonna appreciate it and make full use of it!

October is the month which the most number of Singaporeans are born in. Interesting. I am an October baby myself, and my day is the 2nd. I like my birthday, haha, although yeah who wouldn't =p I like the month, and the implied season - autumn. The word autumn ignites fantasies in my head, of lying on a bed of red, gold, and yellow leaves, staring at the vibrant blue sky. It's something I want to do before I die.

Indeed, many of my acquaintances celebrated their birthdays last month. A few days ago, I saw someone's msn nick saying 'thanks for the bag/shoes/whatevericantremember, I like it very much'. And I thought to myself: why do people wait for special occasions to buy things or do something for their friends, partners, children or parents? What is the actual significance of a birthday? It's like saying, what, 'thank this day for you were born'?

Then again, I'm sure many of us would be disappointed if the people who matter to us do not do something special for our birthdays. The practice of pampering someone on their birthday should continue. But my main point is this: I want to do special things for the people I love, even when it is not a special occasion. Be it buying stuff, going the extra mile to do something, or planning something nice, I want to do it.

One of my friends (you know who you are, haha) commented that I look like the kind who would do a lot of things for my other half. And the implied meaning is that I tend to neglect my friends. I wouldn't deny that, haha, but I am actively trying to reflect and tweak my attitude. That's what I'm trying to remind myself now. The doing-nice-things-for-people exercise should be extended to all the people I love, not just my future partner(s).

Perhaps I am motivated to do this by what another friend said a few days ago.

'All humans are rotten'.

I firmly beg to differ, and maybe my sudden niceness is driven by my desire to dissociate myself from the accusation. Akin to waving my hands and screaming 'I'm not rotten!'.

The average human is rotten, but not entirely so.

Imagine humans as apples.

Imagine each apple with varying degrees of brown, some with just a speck of it, some mostly shrouded in it.

Everyone is selfish in their own way. But we are primed, we are devised, we are engineered by biological evolution. It is a tool for survival. Every animal is made to fight for its own kind, its own skin, and we humans are no exceptions.

But the human is gifted with something extra. A head and a heart - we can think, and we can feel. That's where the thin line comes in. What do you want to do with your gifts?

I, for one, enjoy the mental stimulation and love that make me human. And it is an interesting slideshow to see how the people around me use these gifts to make themselves less 'rotten'.

It inspires
It motivates
It's mysterious
It's love

I must have taken a happy pill. I'm so darn optimistic I'm shocking myself now.

In the words of X Japan - 'Dry your tears with love'.