I have a relationship with floorball. But I increasingly realise, it's bringing me lots of pain and suffering. Granted, I enjoy playing the game for fun and wholly appreciate the bunch of friends I've made in the team.

BUT

I suck at it.

I suck at it during games.

I suck at it during games when I make a mistake.

I AM NOTHING without composure.

My shots are not up to its fullest potential.

My ball control is non-existent.

My head goes AWRY and I make stupid passes into people blocking me, shoot at people standing in front of me, MAKE FUCKING STUPID PASSES RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY OWN GOAL.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? Why can't I keep my brains and my skills under pressure?

HOW HOW HOW?

It all boils down to one word - CONFIDENCE. I do not have it. Or rather, my confidence is shaky, vulnerable, and brittle.

I thought I was doing well in period 1 today. Called for a few balls down the board and was lucky to have forwards who listened and passed =) Good job girls. Shots were not up to my potential, but at least I had shots on target.

Then came the second period where I kinda misunderstood coach's instructions, got influenced by what I heard wrongly, and made a stupid long shot from deep, which hit an opponent and bounced back. Of course, I got chided immediately. I did not use my eyes, I did not keep my sanity, and it did not register at that point in time that I should not shoot cos there's someone in front of me.

And from then on, I felt stupid, lousy, and there you go - CONFIDENCE CRUMBLED.

Thereafter, I felt that I could not do ANYTHING right.

I could not even defend.

I could not even control the ball.

I could not even make sane passes.

I am not good enough to be an IVP defender. I am nothing without composure.

Back to the question: Why not end a relationship if it brings so much pain and suffering?

Because the highs are worth fighting for, the challenge worth scaling, the passion worth pursuing.

There must be a way to improve confidence and composure. We'll find it together. Fight on.

“I've learned in my lifetime so far that you can't help who you fall for and no matter how hard you try and how much it hurts you everyday that you just wanna be with them or just talk to them you never stop trying to make them happy by the little things you say or do because thats what makes your life worth going on for.” -Unknown

I must have been a fool
To think that in this world
There is love
There is happiness
There is something left for me
There are only lies
And there are fools
Fools who are seduced by lies
I could be wrong
There could be love
There could be
But not for me

You may have wondered why I haven't updated my blog for such a long time, one and a half months to be exact. Much has happened.. and there have been enjoyable moments. But I guess there's always a shadow hanging over my head? That clouds my senses and stops me from harping on too much about the happy things. And the vulnerabilities, thoughts, insecurities and troubles running through my brain are not suitable for posting.

I'm half proud to say that I'm a very emotional and passionate person. Not proud because my emotions are taking over my life. They are robbing my interest in hall activities and studies, and are causing a bout of depression eating. But I'm proud because well, that's who I am, and my passion drives me to do great many things for the people I love. I like that aspect of myself.

This is a public apology to the things and people I've been neglecting. I cannot control my emotions well enough to even save myself.

Swimming around in an ocean
Trying to stay afloat
Realizing that the water's so shallow
So shallow that my legs get bruised
Bruised from the rocks
Rocks with edges so sharp they could have been chiseled
Chiseled by fate
Chiseled by time
Pick me out of the water
I'm sure you will
But the rocks never will