Second class. Perpetually inferior. Benchwarmer. Untrusted. Just.. LOUSY.

I get struck by these feelings sometimes. And I wonder, am I really not as good, or am I just unlucky, unpretty, uncharismatic, and thus missing out the chances that others have.

These feelings make a huge dent on my self confidence, they tear down my composure. I just need to look at myself during the MI friendly, dribbling the length of the court, only to lack the confidence and composure to send a powerful and accurate shot. At the moment I am gearing up for the shot, I get plagued by flashes of doubt that I am lousy, that I will fail.

There is only so much I can work on. I can work till my fingers bleed and my knees crumble. I can achieve spectacular techniques and perform them when there is no pressure. But the crunch of confidence comes when there is pressure.

Can I keep on ploughing on, and accept that people still see me as a piece of lousy shit? Can I vow to improve myself for the sake of my own contentment? And can I one day achieve so much success that the people who see me as shit have to reflect?

NTU storm vs. MI: 7-0

I'm so happy for the team that we performed well and won. Although we are inexperienced and undoubtedly, blur sometimes, we put in a lot of effort in chasing balls and following opponents like obedient dogs.

Since I can remember who scored the 7 goals and how, I am going to give a tribute to each one of us!

1st: I made a straight pass to the centre, and shijun made a hard direct shot past the MI goalie (who at first glance looked like ain, haha).

2nd: Rachel made a shot/pass to right in front of goal and fei juan swept it in for 2-0.

Can't remember the sequence of the rest:

- Raihanna got the ball from the MI goalie throw-out and shot... 3-0!

- Yiping got the ball at the corner, made a nice turn out and swept a flying shot past the goalie.. 4-0!

- Meiyin made a straight pass to Ruying in front of goal who made a direct shot for 5-0.

- From a free hit, meiyin made a deliberate looping wrist shot that arches over the wall and sails past 'ain' much to the delight and surprise of the bench and supporters :p

- Ruying returns the favor to Meiyin by making a similar straight pass for meiyin to tap in to regsiter the final score at 7-0.

For those who did not score or assist in the 7, you have definitely contributed to the zero in the final score by defending well. Of course, Jun was on fire too and saved our asses many times (in coach's words).

Thanks to the supporters too, I am pleasantly surprised that anyone would want to watch our games :p

As for coach's most important lesson after the friendly:

"Girls, there is one thing very evident after this friendly. Your physical shape, your physical fitness." (said in a shake-head manner)

Yes coach, point taken.

That is my major problem, I start to make silly mistakes like making a behind-the-goal pass that hits the goalpost, trying to get a ball but missing it, and shooting way OFF due to tiredness. I made 2 dribbles from defence to the 3 point line, only to shoot straight into the goalie once, and way wide on another try. I didn't know why at first, but alas, the coach knows, and I agree with the reason too - I was too tired to compose myself to shoot properly or control balls by the later stages.

Physical fitness! Must improve!

It's been 4 days since I returned from Penang, but only now have I found the time and energy to describe it here. The moment I returned, I have been besieged by friends asking me how it was, and I guiltily say 'it was ok'.

Guilty because it took the organisers a great deal of effort to get it in order, especially Tien Fun, who arranged almost everything for us. Thanks for your great effort!

But ultimately, it was just ok because the place itself is rather limited and uninteresting, and the trip too rushed. And to say the least, I did not enjoy the friendly games because of various reasons. Still, it was good to get to know the floorballers better. And hey, at least now I can say I've been to Penang.

View from my hotel room

Gurney Drive: not recommended
Guan scores!!!
Ain so bright like an angel.. lol..
Enjoying our Baskin Robbins!

How was my time at Blizzard training on Tuesday night?

In a word - HORRIBLE (hor-ree-bel, or as the Spaniards say or-ree-bley)

Granted, I had just changed my badly-scraped white blade to a spanking new black one. But that was half the problem. My new blade is a little harder and heavier than my old one, making receiving and dribbling a little tricky for me. And I think I swung the blade lightly above the ground at times when passing, to avoid scraping my new blade, leading to BLAH passes. Aaaand... I couldn't make proper ground passes like before even if I tried. Arh! haha.. And somehow I was so blur that I saw yew kiong as nic in a drill, I passed wrongly, causing louise to shout: look up before you pass, basic!

I cringed, I felt so bad and lousy. Luckily I had to come back hall to get something done, allowing me to leave training early. Basically it was a training where almost everything I did was wrong. The other half of the problem of why I performed so badly, I feel, is that I was nervous about training in an environment that is of higher standard than which I normally do. You know, nervous about making a bad pass and screwing up a drill, about not running fast enough to keep up with the guys. Generally, about infringing on a training and dragging it down.

I gotta improve on my anxiety problem. It is my fortune to have this chance to train with them, and I know I am not that lousy until I will screw up drills, so just calm down and have a little more confidence, and I will benefit more.

It is my mantra that, you improve more by challenging yourself and playing with people superior to you, rather than enjoy thrashing people weaker than you. Yes, the guys are physically faster, but you will meet girls who are that fast in the league too. So, it is better to start learning how to use your body better, how to run more strategically, how to dribble better, by playing with guys.

And in appreciation of my new blade: It feels great when I am shooting now. So much smoother and stronger than my worn-out old blade.

To blade: "I appreciate you and over time, I'm sure I will get used to you, perhaps also needing to work out my forearms more to handle the slight increase in weight. Dribbling, shooting, receiving and passing, everything will work out."

It was a pretty weird fun-and-games today, mostly because there were only 9 people today. Guoyi, his gf, his coach, his coach's friend, jie hong, fazly, zaid, tien fun and me. And the first team I was playing with was scoring like dozens of goals while the other team had a goal drought. That definitely felt weird. And 9 is not enough too, and we got tired very soon. I feel kinda bad to make people come down when there is not enough people. But guoyi said his gf would only play if there are less people, so, I'm happy that the conditions are right for her!

In the end, one of the breaks dragged on into a passing, learning session and FnG was over. Just, weird. But at least I had fun.

And from the fun I gained a simple but important lesson for a floorball player. When trying to block a shot, kneel down sideways in front of the ball to increase your surface area. (I was wondering why my blocking is quite lousy, then it hit me, I forgot to kneel.)

So its off to Penang tomorrow. Rather excited to just get out of the country and journey to the northern tip of Peninsular Malaysia. And I've heard from hall friends that people in Penang tend to be good looking. Lol.. I wish.

I found these street drawings really innovative and intriguing. They are anamorphic illusions drawn in a special distortion to appear 3D when see from a particular viewpoint.






Pictures were taken from http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/index.html, and more can be viewed there.

My msn nick last night - 'jailed inside room by over-enthusiastic kitty'.

It got a few 'concerned' people asking me if I am afraid of cats. Read: they are actually just guys who want to laugh at me cos they find being afraid of cats laughable. lol.

My explanation to them is that, I am just afraid of random cats darting towards me suddenly. It is more of the shock factor rather than the scared factor. And this stems from me screaming hysterically when I was young, when cat tails brushed past me when I was sitting in coffee shops. I don't know, I am just afraid of animal tails. Even if a dog or cat is very cute, I get a little creeped out if it has a long and non-furry tail.

So, I was a little afraid of this kitty because, being young and enthusiastic, it likes to leap around at people who make sudden movements (i.e. people who are scared of cats). I kept my door firmly shut the past 2 nights in the fear that it would trot by, meow at me, and proceed to dart into my room.

But, it is really tiny and cute. Here are some pictures of it!




Photos courtesy of Yirui, who fed the kitty water and played with it. Heh, so cute!

I skipped lessons to go for training today :D And I do not regret it, and am very happy with training today. We spent a lot of time doing the basic passing, shooting, simple dribble, simple double, 2 on 1, and games.

And that's exactly why I am happy with training. I feel it is necessary to let the juniors do the basics over and over again, to get them used to it and build confidence. And I've lost track of the number of times I banged my stick on the ground and shouted 'good shot' already. Because there were many good shots, and I'm very happy for them (and the team)!

On personal development though, sigh, I have overworked my body. I practised floorball, went jogging, and lifted light weights yesterday, already resulting in a slight strain of muscles. And today, I still went to the court early to do shooting, and realised that it was sub-standard. So I got distressed and kept on trying, even after training also kept on trying.

Add to that shuttle runs, half squats, quick-feet, crunches, push-ups, and gameplay in training, my back and leg muscles are jellified by now, lol. Arm muscles not so much, maybe custard-like, but not jelly yet.

So my lesson for myself is:

• Allow yourself to have reasonable excuses for sub-standard performance - which in this case, was that my shooting was sub-standard cos of the muscle strain from yesterday.
• Stop pushing your body when it is already tired.

I must take care not to push my body too hard! I must be in a fit condition by the time the league comes around, specifically my back. The rest of the machinery, knees, elbows, ankles, are all doing fine :)

All in all, I am really looking forward to improving together as a team and enjoying ourselves in the league!

So for the benefit of my teammates who are missing training, I have decided to try to remember the important things done in training, and post about them.

Saturday's training, hmm, first training in more than one month. Jamie was here today! (wearing a baby pink shirt)

Some important defensive skills he did were:

1 - shadowing your opponent

• always stay between your opponent and the goal when defending
• be on the balls of your feet

2 - When shadowing 2 opponents

• first 2 points same as above
• make sure you can see both of them

3 - Blocking shots

• Kneel down in front of ball when opponent is ready to shoot
• Get ready to get up and change side in case opponent fakes

4 - Four vs. four half court defending

• When opponent is at about half court, give about one metre distance
• When opponent is around the basketball D, stick as close as possible
• Stay between opponent and goal

Other skills:

1 - When running down the boards and at an opponent

• turn with back towards opponent
• make a small spin out and take a shot

2 - dribbling and receiving high ball

• narrow and wide dribble
• flick ball high up and receive

3 - Hitting a ball towards the boards after a few bounces

• eye the contact point properly
• angle of blade slightly downwards

Though you guys cannot practise with your stick now, just visualise alright!

And on a sidenote, Jamie has asked me if I can play defender, and I don't mind, so I would probably be playing defender. During training, Ruying and Yiping were the fowards with Cindy and me as defender. Who's interested in trying centre? Heh..

If I saw you on the streets today
I would give you a smile
A smile for the good times
The pain I feel
Can be kept within
I will turn away
And keep it in my heart

Start life anew.

And stop being a vending machine that dispenses drinks for free.

Floorball. Floorball. Floorball. Mahjong. Mahjong. Anime. Beach volleyball. Frisbee. Tanning. KTV.

That was how I spent my first 5 days of special semester. My ultimate indulgences - floorball, mahjong and going to the beach, rolled into the mix.

That's what I call appreciating the good. Instead of dwelling on things that are none of my business now, focus on my own life and the good in it.

I met that Sheryl this morning while on bus 199. And I'm reminded again that she will be spreading her huge S across the islands of New Zealand for about one month. Which means, skipppping training. So I heard her concerns about missing training echoing out from the metal for a few minutes, and I actually said I am sorry not to have my favorite forward partner for training! How can I say that to her? How can I feed her ego somemore? It is already overweight, later become obese how? Later the prettiest babe in NTU upgrade herself to prettiest Asian babe in NZ how? Later she decide to stay there and take part in Miss NZ-Asia beauty contest and never come back for league (gasp!)... So must be careful not to feed it somemore.

Anyway I will try to post snippets of information of what we do in training here, for your (Sheryl's) benefit. But I will not give her this address until she is safely in NZ, or else I will get run over by her orange Chevy for saying the above :p

And... Thanks Xinlin, Vian, Cindy and Huiyi for the amazing day. I really enjoyed torturing my hands trying to play volleyball, failing to play frisbee cos my pathetic feet cannot run in the sand, and trying to sing chinese songs which lyrics and melodies I can't really remember.

Haha, as you can see, happiness is really found in imperfection.

Oh, and also thanks to Vian and Xinlin for offering your arms as chicken wings when I had some bad gastric pain on the train back. Sorry Xinlin, but Vian's arm just looks more appetizing. LOL.

It's simple. This blog is a reminder to myself that there are high and low points in life.

When it's low tide, the high tide will always return.

So there's no need to feel sorry for oneself.

Do not waste precious time thinking of the bad, appreciate the good instead :)

There is definitely good in everyone's life, all we need to do is clear the sand and tears from our eyes.