It's yet another painful episode at 'home'. Received another unreasonable session that's left me with a heart that's beating far too fast and tears rolling down my face. I am freaking helpless as to what to do anymore. I can't escape out every single day isn't it, I'll run out of places to go. But almost every time when I'm home when he returns, I end up like this. Wouldn't it be better if I'm somewhere outside suffering, rather than the extremely ironical situation of being hurt in one's own home.

I hate this but I don't know what to do anymore. Tolerate? How do I stop my heart from racing in the wrong direction and for the wrong reasons? Breathe deeper? Close my eyes? Remind myself not to be affected by rubbish?

And when things like this happen, I am reminded of why my personality sucks. Cos I grew up watching all of this nonsense, being unsatisfactory human beings, being filthy bad tempered accusatory hypocrites. How do you feel confident about yourself when every little wrong move would earn you a beating? How do you feel confident about suggesting ideas and speaking up when all you get is a shutup and an ignorance of your ideas when they are explicitly asked for? How do you channel your anger in more positive ways when you see furniture being thrown about, family members strangled and beaten up... heck, how do you even stop yourself from being angry at trivial things, when an 8 year old child can get beaten up just for dropping a piece of apple on the ground?

Seriously sometimes I just hate myself. My stupid bad temper and mean descriptions of people. And then I find someplace to blame. Last night the examples fell so conveniently to me again. The whole so-called family was watching the world cup match and they just insulted and insulted players in illogical ways that I was fuming in my seat.

I'm already heartened by other positive aspects, but the mistakes I make never fail to haunt me, beating my self esteem even lower as I fear rejection by people as a result. Of course, there is that neverending strife to improve. Though here and there rotten things always happen and hamper my progress.

And as of now I have no idea how to help myself, except tolerance avoidance and hopes for a positive posting so I'm getting out of this place for good.

Lesson for today:
NO scolding people
NO beating people
NO insulting people
NO talking in bad tempered ways
NO blackface