These are the happiest and angriest days of my life. The nature of these two powers must be pretty damn great for them to coexist.

I'm getting increasingly pissed with my dad cos he scolded me for totally unreasonable 'reasons'. Totally regret letting him give me a 3 minute lift to the mrt on thursday morning. In just that threeee minutes he SHOUTED and SCOLDED me for not wanting to eat my bread on the cab. I reasoned that I wanted to eat it on the way to the train station or while walking to my destination later and he continued SHOUTING WHYYYYYY, WHY AM I SO DISOBEDIENT AND DIFFICULT. And went on to SHOUT at how I am bad and so on and don't do any housework, when I swear I do. Should really follow wy's advice and video myself doing it so that I can shuff it into his face the next time. BUT that won't solve anything. Polite, sensible, triumphant arguments won't solve anything cos he'll just get angrier if he realises he's wrong and go on to scold even more unfairly. Making you more and more enraged and you start losing your cool and ultimately YOU LOSE.

He ruins my days. Just that heart-wrenching three minute shoutfest in the morning made me feel awful about myself the entire day. Jokes from people about my 'shortcomings' and 'mistakes' left me blackfaced and close to tears everytime. Still, thursday was great and ended with floorball and very enjoyable and affordable teochew porridge at kovan :) It's just that I have problems coming to terms with being moody to people. I feel so bad about it cos it's wrong. What else can I do except to look forward to the days whereby I can avoid this. Cos I'm very sure, without provoking, I'm not that unpleasant and vulgar, like those blissful heavenly days in hall.

And today, friday, I was working, already an agonising experience. The evening was really happy as well and I had supper with friends at cartel till 11 plus. I messaged my mum to tell them that I was out and a friend would be sending me back later. Few minutes later my phone rang and my mum asked me to stop going out and come home now cos its dangerous. I told them I was getting a lift. In the background I heard him yell TOK COK. He even doubts that I'm getting a lift, tell me, how illogical is that. In a few seconds the phone was passed to him, and I get SHOUTED at for going out after work, when I should have come straight home, and that it's dangerous to come back so late. Honestly I know the second half is concern, but as I told them before when initially they didn't wanna let me go to Vietnam cos its 'dangerous'... if you're so paranoid, what's the point of living? This cannot do that cannot do, what's the point even if you live to a hundred? First scolding point, NO GOING OUT AFTER WORK COME STRAIGHT HOME. As usual, I can only say it's cos they don't have friends. And, I don't know. It's just unreasonable to me. And midway he shouted ASK THEM TO SHUT UPPPP cos my friends at the table were talking and maybe he thought they were talking to me. The shouting and shouting and shouting made me so angry that I banged my fist on the table and sofa even though I tried to control my strength. The shouting is almost driving me insane. Most of the time the shouting is so loud that I can't really make out the words so I just put the phone away from my ear to prevent ear damage.

I don't know why I get so affected by it recently. Maybe everything boils down to a matter of not being used to it. I would just endure it but as I said it's ruining my days, my life. I can't hide it anymore and I don't care if the whole world sees my dirty linen. Even though I can hide the linen, I can't rub off the dirt that has seeped into my heart. I feel like a angry moody person because of all this hurt. And I hate it. I want to be a better person.

Cos of this recent spike in nonsense, I have no mood to go to US anymore, since I've to get/borrow money from him. It's really an utter shame and blow to have to use money from someone who ruins your life on a daily basis. So my latest notion is to limit the amount of money I have to take. Still under consideration. Sigh.



i shall wear you to bed
cos you make me safe in a crazy world