Not in the mood to do anything today, think, talk, much less write. Fyp this afternoon was a do-or-die so I'm glad I got that done. Had to do more editing at night but I simply was too tired to do it. Giddy and weak the past 2 days, I don't know why and it's scary. There are so many possible explanations, the most positives ones being pms and mental block against doing work. It's late and I should sleep, but I'm preoccupied. I feel that if I turned off my laptop and went to bed with a book, I would feel helpless and restless. Such a familiar feeling, but it never fails to disarm me, every time.

I have no wish to go for lessons tomorrow, at all. I could never have predicted that I was this weak, I thought I was just like any other girl. I sure didn't prepare myself for this, cos I sincerely thought I didn't need to. Others have had childish notions, but it seems as though I'm the only one whom the years have failed to unsweeten.

If I were actively around others, doing stuff, talking, it wouldn't come to this. But when you have to do schoolwork, most of the time you'll be alone in your room. I understand I can't disturb friends all the time, and most of the time there isn't anyone I'd like to talk to online (i don't know how it came to this). Hopefully when I start working and get tired out, I won't have time to think about all this anymore.

I have this habit of highlighting and unhighlighting words on the screen for fun and just as I was highlighting a word to change, my finger slipped and I deleted a whole chunk of words. It's irritating but I always try my best to remember what I wrote and start writing again. No matter how angry, pathetic I am, I'll always want to admit and document how I felt. And I really dislike giving up on things and not completing things I wanted to. Maybe this would explain my behavior a little. Maybe there is an abnormal kink, a neon colored portion of my DNA that imbues me with the extraordinary disability to give up on something I really want.