I'd like to ask everyone if they are happy with their lives. Cos on a whole, it's very hard to say that I am. Is it cos I'm demanding, hard to please, and hanker after things I don't have? Or compared to people around me (don't compare me to fricking africa cos then there'll be no more argument), my life really ain't that good.

Make no mistake, I was really at ease a few hours ago. But it only took a few minutes to cast me into the shadows.

There are scenarios I encounter, things people tell me, that make me upset. I dare not voice out my unhappiness cos I'm afraid of what they will think of me. That I'm childish and mean.

How much of our own happiness is actually under our control really. How much of it can be manipulated, how much can we actually alter our feelings?

If I'm inherently unhappy about something, no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't be, I can't change it. And if you're unhappy and you just tell yourself to appreciate the good instead, to some extent isn't it ignoring the problem and forcing yourself?

I mean there's a very fine line isn't it, between being positive and being overly so. What if some things are actually worth being sad over. It could actually be a trigger for improvement sometimes.

I'm in a very confused mood.

Over whether I have the privilege to be unhappy over things that normal people wouldn't be unhappy about. And just ignore the people who do it to you. Tell them outright and scold them maybe, and generally spoil relations. Or that I'm being unreasonable and weird and I should just grow up.

It depends on the people in question too I guess. Reminder that the self comes first, who cares about relations and proper behavior and stuff, the most important thing is my own sanity and well-being right.

As I reflect, I know that there are things about me I should change. Low self esteem for example. If only I knew how.

I've been hooked on this song lately, by the talented elton john (melody) and bernie taupin (lyrics) way back in '73...

so goodbye yellow brick road
where the dogs of society howl
you can't plant me in your penthouse
i'm going back to my plough

back to the howling old owl in the woods
hunting the horny back toad
oh I've finally decided my future lies
beyond the yellow brick road

On the first few listenings I loved the lyrics for its straightforward meaning, and after more and more times I think that they can mean much more than that.