I think I'm ill, been ill for a week and just didn't know it. Hot and cold spells, and sniffing. My parents tell me off for not taking care of myself, and feed me barley and chicken essence at home. What's wrong here, my unbalanced diet, my lack of sleep? Immune system's been down, but not down enough to warrant a trip to the clinic. Same thing goes for the urinary tract problem, its not serious enough but its been bothering me for almost 2 weeks now. Good thing my mum has some medication at home, I've been putting off going to the doctor cos I didn't want to waste money. Having a very edgy relationship with money now. Have a phobia of playing mahjong that's quite serious, cos I'm usually not the kind who'd want to reject or offend people. But that day at the table after just one game I felt like if I didn't get up soon I'd hyperventilate. I'm just so scared of losing any more money and I just don't want to play anymore. That's seriously serious cos I used to like to play it alot. And I felt irritated and uneasy when my parents paid for a not-very-nice dimsum dinner today. I didn't like the feeling of spending money that I did not earn. It's so near, yet so far, to earning my own keep and repaying my benefactors.

When you're sick but not that sick, you let the problem hide between the sheets and sail on with you unknowingly. And even if I wanted to do something about it, what? I don't think mild sniffing deserves medicine. Take vitamin C? It has never been proven to cure or help anything. But maybe placebo effect is the best I can do. Some situations and decisions in life are so confusing, that sometimes we don't know whats real anymore. Maybe a day out in the sun will add a glow to me that'll extend from my skin to my heart. When we have a problem, but have no idea how to go on about it anymore, maybe all we can do is just pretend and find some shallow cures.