Oh fuck I just clicked something very wrong, against my better judgment, and I am fucking angry now.

Why can't I get over it after all these years...

It's not a matter of love or emotion anymore, its more of the hatred of losing.

Was talking about how I'd join street challenge every year looking to win. I really can't help it. No matter how much I'll tell myself to take it easy every year, I still really want to win.

Born competitive, what can I do.

Fighting a losing battle in the area of life that I have the least control over. And the negative repercussions just spill over to the other zones. Fucking up my great big life. Haha. I just want to laugh all the time. After all, there's nothing else I can do.

You know, I used to feel sad and affected after every few minutes with you. I'm glad that recently I've become more numb to the pain. But the masks are still pretty harsh to my facial and atrial muscles. I wish I had the strength to walk away.

And very secretly, I am utterly dreading the floorball chalet. I'm terrified of having to interact and socialise and 'have fun'. But I have no idea how to reject it. I can't face having to pretend to be happy, having to play games, having to exchange ten dollar presents. Also the thought of receiving some crap. Broken photo frame anyone? Oh my goodness I'm swimming in muck. Please understand if I don't show up.

I'm sick of thinking! I'm sick of analyzing things, people, situations! Once upon a time, solving puzzles and thinking long and hard would have been a sort of excitement. Now I'm falling sick.

*sniffs*



i hate this day more than any other day in the year



It reminds me how you never got me anything for this day, but went around buying a book for her when I stupidly asked to see you. It's like rotten turkey caramelizing. How I only got to eat rotten meat while she enjoyed a generous feast. You told me some unfair crap that I never should have believed. Thank you, thank you very much for fucking me up. I'll never know why I only deserved rotten meat.



the broken photo frame, the melting chocolates, the rotten turkey?



I think the reason for bad luck is that I can't appreciate good luck when I have it. I feel bad, I feel guilty, I feel sorry for others' plight. No wonder selfish people have all the luck. It's because they feel right at home having it, that's why luck also feels better knocking on their doors. I was a sourpuss at training today, primarily cos I couldn't perform basic acts well. True enough the fluttering green bib really did hamper my hand movement and view of the ball. And it was extra irritating, because the velcro kept coming off cos it was tight. TIGHT. And I could also feel the heat, the resentment, the will to want to KILL me off to prove they weren't lousier, from the people who were made to defend throughout. Instead of appreciating my good luck, I felt really awkward and guilty about it. Instead of standing up to the challenge, I lost all focus and fight. Argh. Bad outbursts controlled, but more appreciation and focus is in order.

It was mahjong that led me to this point. I just CAN'T feel all happy and pleased when I keep winning, like almost everyone else I know can do. I'll feel the need to stop winning even when I can. I get affected by people's black faces, I don't want the game to be so lopsided etc. And then when bad luck strikes BIG time, and I lose, lose and lose... lots and lots of money. Who's there to take pity on you and do the same for you? NO ONE. It's irrevocable proof that in all situations, I should just grab my good luck by the balls and enjoy myself with it. Don't care too much about other people, cos they don't care the same way for you.

Got the luck, got the skill.
You deserve it.
Go get it.