Recently, I've been thinking too much about interesting but unimportant things. Every night, I want to fill myself with all these thoughts instead of doing work.

After thinking so much about relationships and such, I got hit by a wave of 'so what'. So what if you like someone but don't get together, so what if you get hurt? It's just a person, so why is it so damn important? There are so many other people in this world, isn't it? So what if the person you fell for is so damn wrong and so damn mean, so what? It's just a small part of life actually. But when it happens, it tends to consume a person from head to toe, sadly. Now I get hit by this wave of helplessness, like we are all limited by evolution. We're made to go all weak and desperately smitten when we find a potential mate, all for the continuation of the species? Is that the basis of our entire lives?

Ok fine I believe that there is more to life than just plain procreation... hmm, what, stuff like enjoying yourself, brightening up others' lives, stimulating the self in ways beyond physicality. Sometimes these reasons seems as empty as a hollow cave, cos it still doesn't answer stuff... Perhaps this is what a lack of religion does to you. Now I'm hit by confusions over careers once again. How can I survive the feeling of having a job that doesn't add any real value to anyone's life? Sure it will challenge one intellectually and bring in good money, but I'm afraid I will die of guilt, doing it 9 to 5. The feeling of living on this earth to bring myself pleasure, enjoyment and luxury does not sit well with me. I don't know what gave rise to such thoughts. But I saw them in the intense dislike I have of selfish, mean people. I don't like the feeling of thinking 'what is life for' cos it's so damn emo and unanswerable and scary really. My take on it would be... life is a gift and a challenge, not just for us to aim to be the strongest or fastest, but also to be a good person and a joy to others around you. But of course, if you want to be an inspiration and a positive influence, then you've gotta strive to be the best you can be.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes, one can unwittingly hurt others, sometimes, it's so hard to keep quiet and be fair when you hear too much, sometimes, you can want something so much that you want to abandon your values and go for it. Sometimes, I know I have so many negative feelings rising out of my chest that are so hard to beat down. It's hard to maintain a happy heart when you feel that life isn't treating you well, when your luck is just so damn bad, when you're just not good at anything, when you're such a failure and you know it's all your fault. That's why life is a neverending challenge... It's a big fat challenge to see yourself in a positive light when all the others are putting you down.

I've written about this some time ago, and my thoughts on it have remain unchanged. I have the answers to questions, but still my mind goes all confused over them once in a while. Bear with self :)