It's nice being back in school and having to use my brain again. But the true horrors of being a final year student has hit me hard and fast. I can no longer skip lessons, can no longer ignore readings, can no longer slack till exam time comes. I know that is reality and I've been 'living a dream' the past three years. The thing is FFFYYYPPP... I am shocked that we need to look for our own funding. And if we can't get it, change topic or something. The researching and tedious tasks are fine... it's the funding part I am rudely awakened by.

I know it's good and finally challenging... but the rude shock of it has really drained me totally today... turned me into a zombie that can't believe its fate. I just feel so... stupid. Like doing well all those earlier years was just a result of good memory... I don't even know what is my talent and my niche. I'm just struggling to keep up with my courses and trying to convince myself I can do well. I cannot proudly claim I'm smart and highly analytical and good with words. I really can't. I really have to rely on working hard and learning the ropes from my lecturers and hopefully hone my skills from there.

And somewhere, somehow, I really want to find my niche.

Only now, then do I finally feel like I'm receiving a university education... I've been living a wonderful university LIFE the past few years. But I never let myself be stimulated intellectually, I mostly slumped through my years... Now, it's time to wake up and try to make something out of myself.

This undiscovered, unpolished self... I know no one is stupid stupid... And though FYP is super challenging, if I work hard, I can achieve something...

Now I face a tough, steep slope ahead. I must climb it, cos there is no way down. I must climb it, cos finally, I am forced to make use of my intellect. Somewhere, in everyone, there is a potential for something. I must not give up on myself...

But right now, I am so tormented and scared of this whole big bad world that I feel like crying... add to that my other failures as a person... I feel like bawlinggg...