10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... I shouted as I counted down the last ten seconds of 2008 and welcomed 2009. But they were merely words; there was absolutely no meaning in the begining of a new year, and I, just a zombie doing what everyone else was doing, with nothing running through my brain. My laughter merely a relief of pain. So relieved to be able to make some noise and let some.... stuff out of my body. Let loose a little.

Some could have been happy last night, but I guess some were not. I'm not the only person in the world who is feeling upset over the new year. But they sure hide it better than me. I wear my heart out on my sleeve, and aided by the lack of sleep and some alcohol (I guess I don't hold it well), I let it bleed for the whole world to see. Felt horrible to show a black face all night, felt bad. I wish I could just disappear and go somewhere alone, but that would make me feel even worse cos people would worry and ask. Though I didn't appreciate the good company and fun last night, I really do now. Thank you friends for just being you, and accepting me for who I am. Been feeling so dejected, and just your acceptance and understanding is appreciated.

2008, in all honesty, was fine, mainly because of friends coming into my life in more important ways than superficial acquiantance. The family front, as you all know, has improved on the whole. Studies, well, as usual, nothing to scream nor weep about. Floorball, inspired to improve my skills even more. Love? Well at least I got over him, by ALOT.

SHIT I'm already in such a bad mood and I have to listen to my mum ramble on about shit at home. Here I am in my room and she came in to ramble on about how hard it was to carry me for 9 months, how freaking painful it is to give birth, how much they have to pay for my education, how they are old and are gonna die soon. Yes I admit I answered some question of hers short-temperedly just now. But I'm in a freaking bad mood and I don't care. I do not want to hear all this stressful shit. 'Did your friends teach you to be bad, why did you teach your brother to be bad? (for the record its the other way round).' I tell her 'Can you just kill me now?'. Then I cool down and say I'm sorry I shouted cos I was in a bad mood. I'm really sorry.

I really wish I could hide my feelings better. Not only do I wish to hide it better, I wish I could just STOP CARING for things which are not worth it. STOP being so sad and emotional. I really wish I could.

I wish to just die now. Go to hell. At least in hell there is no hope for reprieve. There is only pain. I'd rather just get pain. It is way better than hoping and being let down. Again and again. Way better than hoping and getting hurt.

Or maybe I can go to heaven.

I do not trust in human nature anymore.

2009, I hope that you will be better than 2008. I do not have much ambition. There is nothing much I want. What I want most is to stop being such an idiot and stop bringing hurt upon myself.

Lock it up. Chain it. Freeze it. Keep it for myself.