Training today was horrible horrible horrible.

I sit outside my room dejected, angry with myself.

Bloody boring drills in training, until people who come down to crash training can't be bothered to join in after a while. Doesn't that prove something?

Getting millions of instructions throughout training from a ton of different persons. I want to be a good learner, I want to be humble, I want to listen, but I am pissed at myself because I cannot stand the instructions anymore. I am so angry with myself, because the coaches have good intentions, but towards the end, I was so pissed, that even though I tried not to show a black face, a sort of half stone half nonchalant face was presented to them. I am very much angry at myself for being so rude.

I am arrogant. A lot of the times, I felt I did something good, I tried my best, but they do not mention the good. They only mention the bad. I feel like a primary school kid, who needs to have encouragement and acknowledgment of doing the right things. I feel super pissed at people who turn a blind eye to the good I did and just point out the bad. I will feel under-appreciated and LOUSY all over again. Feel like I just entered floorball a few weeks ago, and I am this player who sucks, who did not do anything good, who just needs to be told her mistakes.

My confidence is a very vulnerable object. Just a prod in the wrong direction, and it all comes crumbling down again. At some points, I feel like a naked player, holding a good stick, but not even being able to control the ball, losing possession the moment someone comes on her.

And SOMETHING is VERY wrong with my mood and my temper. I just lose my focus when the person I am playing against trips me or hits me with the stick. I get pissed and very visibly roll my eyes and slacken off. Very very bad behavior, bad example. This is my fault. I must have better control over my emotions next time, and FOCUS ON THE GAME. Even if a foul goes undetected, it doesn't matter anymore. The focus is on carrying on the game.

Shooting was pretty horrible today too. Stupid palm has blisters. And I cannot make my stupid drag shot fly from a few metres outside the 3 point line. Horrible weak shots floating down to the goal, and sometimes not even on target. Stupid shit.

I notice I like structure, even in my blog entries, but today, I am over the top pissed already, that complaints are flying out fast and furious without any pattern.

(Decided to remove the portions which are too insulting to the people in question if they ever find this)

And I hate one-on-one attacking/defending. I have absolutely NO idea how to get past the defender. Whichever side I turn to, I'm not fast enough. What is the trick? Is it just to practise faking left and right till one is fast enough?

I was talking with YR about black faces just now. And she said she only see my blackest face when I am talking about floorball. If it brings me so much trouble, why still play?

Saw a quote (something along these lines): 'if you need to drag your feet to something, then maybe you should stop doing it'.

I did not drag my feet to training, I was enthusiastic about it. But I had to drag my feet back, it was what happened during training that let me down.

And if my black face is usually reserved for complaining about floorball, why continue in it and give myself so much trouble?

But lessons that I learnt about myself that need to be rectified? Bad control of emotions, condescending, bad attitude.

I'm sorry to those I was rude to.

I just hope things will improve for the better.